


The Therapist

by dharmadown



Category: AFI, Quinlove - Fandom, Tegan and Sara (Band), Tegan and Sara AU
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-12
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-03-30 06:00:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 72,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3925513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dharmadown/pseuds/dharmadown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tegan meets the woman of her dreams, an older woman named Sara; but there's something about her that's more complicated than just the age difference.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Another one of my old fics that I'm still currently working on new chapters with :)

Death is the great equalizer; it's the only thing that every human being have in common. It is the most natural thing in this world, and if you don't succumb to it, you're doomed to sell you soul to the devil. At least that's what sef proclaimed wise men would say.

I think it's the most painful thing anyone will have to go through; not their own death, but the loss of a loved one. I don't know how people carry on like nothing happened, as if the person they lost never lived. I once told myself that if someone close to me passes away, I would never cry and I would never feel bad. I have come to accept, that death comes to everyone, and I believe that dying would give satisfaction to a person's life-- not because they lost someone, but because their loved one's life has taken its course and lived the life they were destined to fulfill.

But I'm throwing that belief down the dump today.

I hardly slept for the past 4 days since Mom died, I've been searching inside my head, reasons why my Mom would leave us too soon. being 40 is not even old enough for death-- I'm not saying I would feel less of a remorse if she dies at an older age, but I kind of wish we were able to spend more time with her. I would love her to see me graduate, I want her to meet my future family, I want her to feel proud of me. I'm 16 and all I've done was win an art competition, and have my parents spend money enough to feed the homeless for a year in boarding school, just to keep me off trouble, if I can call that an achievement.

Of all the troubles I've been involved, my mom was the only one who understood me, and defended me from all who judged me, she was my savior, and my inspiration. I wanted to be better, not for myself, but for my Mom. It's kind of unthinkable to even wish that she and Dad would just finally separate, because for the record, we can live better off without him. He's cheated on Mom for years, spent more of his time at the casinos, than have dinner with her, he'd spend more money on his vices than he could ever gamble. Yes, he's got the money to waste, but along with that, my Mom fell ill to his cold shoulder.

As the chauffer parked my car behind my dad's, at the cemetery, I felt a lump on my throat that hurt like a knife stabbed into my neck. I want to throw up, cry and run away. I've grown used to seeing my Mom inside a coffin, but sending her 6 feet under is just too much for me.

I can't do it.

I closed my eyes and clenched my hands together, and to my surprise I spoke-- If you can call it a prayer, I called to a God unknown to me, to bring everything back.

"Tegan, let's go." I jerked in surprise as my Dad open my door. I looked up at him, our faces wet in tears and our eyes swollen from crying-- I never really looked at my Dad since Mom died-- it was a sight to see him feel this sad. It was almost satisfying to know that he too, is suffering.

I nodded and wiped my face dry with my bare hands; and left the car with a heavy heart. I let out a sigh before I close my door as my Dad grab my hands. I almost jerked to pull it away, but I felt his sincerity-- I felt how sorry he was for himself, and I just now, began to understand that he is feeling regret.

We walked towards Mom's grave, where everyone was waiting to start the funeral service; I irked to the sight of her coffin on top of the lever that will bring her towards the pit, I also felt Dad hold on tighter to my hand. We weren't talking-- we didn't talk since he told me what happened to mom. I'm not ready to blame him just yet-- we're both grieving, and I know lashing out will not help shed the pain.

We sat in front of the visitors, right in the middle of the service. Everyone looked sad, and everyone gave a crooked smile in greeting, and recognition that the widowed family is there. I have never felt this much apathy in my life-- I almost felt bad that people have to be sad around us like this. It's fucking sick though, to see how those people who used to gossip about my family was there, sending their condolences. Of all the scandals we've been through, I never thought people are still at least, paying respect to my Mom. Well, I would understand cause my Mom never really did anything, and these people have pitied her, for being a wife who just couldn't handle her husband's womanizing, and drug and alcohol consumption.

As I wait out for the pastor to speak, I can feel a weight of eyes staring me down; I looked behind me and only saw everyone wearing their sunglasses on; I scoffed and shook my head as I turn my head back front--- as if these people were even grieving. We the family, for one, aren't even covering our grief, but these people who barely know my Mom's real name are acting as if they've cried their eyes out for days-- it's pretentious, and I think it's just ridiculous.

\-------------------------------------------------

After we buried Mom, people almost lined up to give us their condolences; but I didn't know how to respond. I don't know if I should thank them, or if I should give them a smile in appreciation that they're asses are sorry for us, more than they already are. Dad noticed I wasn't feeling a little too good, from all the people bombarding us-- so he excused us. He grabbed me by the shoulder and walked me out of the small crowd.

"you don't have to talk to all these people, dear. You can run along if you want, unwind uh.. maybe go home first. I still need to arrange something with the funeral service" he said in a low tone.

I just nodded, and looked up at him; Dad smiled, but his eyes filled up with tears in seconds and he just covered his face. I didn't know what to say-- I didn't want to speak, so I just went ahead and embraced him for the first time.

"I want to stay, Dad." I said while I rest my head on his chest, as he wrap his arms around me too. Those were the first words that came out of my mouth, for the past 4 days. But those words were more than enough to break my Father down into tears.

"I'm sorry Tegan.." He said, sobbing real hard.

"it's okay Dad, I wanted to be here for Mom, for the last time." I said, embracing my Dad tighter.

"I'm so sorry for everything." he said. I felt Dad's weight getting heavy on me, and I'm starting to feel as if I'm going to fall down.

"hey Dad, come on.. we're falling down.." I said, but just as I was about to pull away from him, my Dad passed out.

I called on our chauffer, and People ran over to us upon seeing what happened and one of his friends who happen to be a physician was luckily, there with us.

"what happened?" James asked as he knelt with me to check my Dad's pulse.

he obviously passed out, moron

"he hasn't had any sleep for days, he's obviously exhausted." I said, trying to resist my sarcasm to take over.

"Jesus Christ.. Robert, what are you doing to yourself.. call an ambulance. I have an oxygen can on my car, I'll just go get it." he said before he ran towards his car.

Aunt Jenny quickly looked over Dad as I immediately called 911.

This is just too much for a day, and I feel like I'm about to pass out myself.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tegan meets the woman of her dreams, an older woman named Sara; but there's something about her that's more complicated than just the age difference.

A few days after Mom's funeral and the incident in the cemetery, I talked Dad into getting me out of boarding school, so I can spend time with him at home-- he resisted, but came around when I told him I was doing it for him. I couldn't stand seeing him like that-- he's taken a bereavement leave from the business and entrusted my uncles to take over while he's gone, he was devastated; we were both devastated.

We both struggled, being 16 and having to take care of my widowed father wasn't how I sought my life to be. But picking up his bottles after long hours of drinking, tucking him in on the couch every night, and having to comfort him in the middle of the night in his nightmares has become a habit for me too. I was doing better accepting my Mom's death than it is for him. He was the reason why Mom committed suicide, and he just couldn't forgive himself. We would fight during some nights if I ask him to stop drinking, but he just can't seem to get it together.

Aunt Jenny, one of my Mom's siblings, had to get into the picture upon realizing what was happening. I was a minor, and there are possibilities of my Dad losing custody, so she had to step in and help us out. She helped Dad get into rehab and counseling, and I didn't escape the therapy either. I may be doing a better job in coping with my mother's death, but I'm just as down as he is.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

2 years have passed, and I have never been better since, but It's been the longest 2 years of our lives, having to cope with our loss, and our hypercritical neighbors. 

Dad changed a lot since coming out of rehab, he was always there for me, he stopped with the drugs and the alcohol, and he's doing better with the business. I was surprised, and I too was very proud of him for sticking up to it.

We bonded more often, and we've never been closer-- I was really happy about how it all turned out, despite Mom not being around. I'm sure she's happy, wherever she is, to see me and Dad getting along like this. People consider it as good riddance, and yes, I must admit that I find my Mom to be my guardian angel. I guess that was her purpose, to be a wake up call for my Father, to stop his habits-- but somewhere in my heart I still feel anger towards him, for having to wait for Mom to die before he realizes that he is wasting his life away. Although we've come to accept her death, it still hurts when I get reminded that I will never get to see her again-- there are times that I would just pass by our kitchen in the afternoon to get some water and end up crying because I will never get to see that familiar scene of watching my Mom in the kitchen preparing dinner every night. The simplest thing is now unbearably impossible-- just smelling her favorite scent of air freshener while I walk by the hallway leading to their bedroom sends me on a crying spree too. 

And then, there's her things lying around her dresser in their bedroom-- which Dad didn't touch since. 

Apparently, he never slept in their bedroom since Mom's death. He made one of our guest rooms his own personal bedroom, and was too weak to even spend more than five minutes in there without breaking down; this made it even harder for us to have him finish therapy. He's still seeing his therapist to this day, while I've finished my sessions and were able to somehow control my grievances-- he's getting better, but I hope recovers from it fully. 

My therapist said that if I replace the idea of loss with good memories I had with my Mom, it would help me get over-- and by thinking about what my future would be like, and how proud my Mom would have been if she was still alive, was what motivated me to stay in school, and be better. So after graduating highschool, I decided to straight to college. 

Acceptance letters flew in on a tidal wave, and caught me and Dad by surprise, and he couldn't be any more proud that I'm attending UCLA, where both he and Mom went to--and where they first met. 

2 days to the start of the first semester, and for the 2nd time, I'd be spending hours at the cemetery for Mom and Dad's wedding anniversary. Dad and I would go here, and visit her instead of actually going out and celebrating. It just doesn't feel right not "celebrating" it. Today was also Dad's first day for an extended session with his therapist-- and he wanted me to come. He's been really acting weird all day, I guess maybe because I'll be leaving fr college tomorrow, and for the first time in 2 years, I'll be living far from him. It's only a 3 hour drive, but still, I bet he's gonna have a hard time letting me go. 

\------------------------------------------------------------

"Mr. Quin? we're ready for you." the receptionist called from her desk as soon as she hung up the phone with dad's therapist.

We got up in unison and walked in to the office; he seemed a little too nervous today-- I honestly have never seen him like this ever. For the past hour he didn't speak to me, he was too busy with his phone, and whenever we pass by a mirror, he just couldn't stop himself from looking at it, and he always made sure his suit is looking fine. 

I'm just utterly confused; until I saw his therapist. 

When we got in, she was sitting behind her desk, looking through her notepad, but quickly looked up at us once we entered her office. She gave us a smile as she stood up to reach her hands over to me; I didn't know what to do with it-- I was caught a bit off guard and at that second and all I could think of was how pretty this doctor was. 

"Hi, you must be Tegan?" she said in enthusiasm. Not only was I confused as to how someone who looks so young can be this successful of a psychotherapist, but I was a bit in awe that she knows me, and the way she said was how an old friend would have said it with such exhilaration. 

I jerked, and suddenly remembered that being a civil human being, I should take her hand shake it. I immediately wiped my sweaty palms to the seams of my shirt and reached out for her hand-- and right that very second our skin touched, I felt a twist of chills crawl up on my arm. Should I pull away first? am I shaking her hand too rapidly? am I holding on it too tight? I was like a mad dog smiling from ear to ear, and I feel like a fool for staring at her the whole time, all I could do was nod to her question.

"Tegan this is Dr. Sara Storey." Dad said from behind me. 

The Doctor just smiled back and as she slowly pull her hands back "you can take that chair beside your Dad, just make yourself comfortable."

I just turned around and walked over to my Dad, still with that crazy smile on; and at that moment I understood how he was feeling. 

I always knew I was different, in terms of attraction towards the opposite sex-- I was never fascinated by men-- in the aspect of relationship, and even having to think of kissing a guy always gives my stomach an unpleasant turn. I've always liked girls, and no one else knew but myself; as in I never told anyone about it, not even my bestfriend-- but not ever have I felt the same way of fascination towards someone I just met-- specifically an older woman. 

I sat back and exhaled as I try hard to calm myself down. I have no idea why I'm here with Dad, but whatever that reason is, I'm pretty sure Dad needed me there.

"Tegan, you can relax, I'm not gonna eat you alive" Dr. Storey said jokingly. I gave a short chuckle in response (but I'm giggling because of the scenes playing in my head right now)

calm down, you're Dad is here, and Sara is his therapist--be proper

"sorry.. I'm just.. a little nervous, I mean Dad never told me about coming here"

Dr. Storey just grinned at my awkwardness-- Jesus Christ she's adorable-- the way she talks, smiles and sweeps her bangs behind her ears, and thank God for her short hair, I can totally see her collar bone (which, in a weird way, turns me on) -- she was wearing a mustard sweatshirt that's really not exposing so much, but her neck is enough to bring me some place else-- and I want to see more. I swallowed as I clench onto the seams of my sleeves as I lean my palms on my knees; I just couldn't stop fidgetting.

"you want some tea, dear?" Dad asked as he hold my hand. I jerked and sighed in nervousness-- I just couldn't calm myself down. This is bad-- really bad-- I'm too obvious; but I totally needed that tea.

"yes" I looked up and saw Dr. Storey staring down at me with a rather devilish smile, or maybe that's just me. "please.." I said, shaking my dirty ideas off.

\------------------

Dad's therapy went well; he was definitely doing great with it, not giving Dr. Storey any hard time from getting the answers she needed, and it looked like Dad's responses were just the ones she was looking for. The whole hour I was just sitting in one corner, trying not to consume all my tea that has gone cold, just so I can keep myself busy and not doze of.

"Tegan, your Dad's therapy ends here, but I need you to stay for a while, okay?" The hair at the back of my neck raised; just how will I manage to hide my excitement for staying in a room alone with her, without giving it away? I darted a look over to my dad, and looked as if asking him if I really had to stay.

Dad smiled. He knew, I can feel it.

"do you want me to go get dinner while you guys talk? I'll be back in an hour or so.." I smiled back at dad and nodded. I had to keep my mouth shut, I don't wanna say anything to mess this up.

In the middle of Dad leaving the room, I was half hearted in staying, Dr. Storey is definitely going to eat me up alive, and by the moment Dad closed the door, I gave one last sip of my cold tea before I transferred seats, near the desk.

She stood up and walked towards me "Tegan, it's nice to finally meet you!" she said, again with that intoxicating grin. I flinched to the sight of her skin tight, black jeans; if I didn't know she was a psychotherapist, and saw her in the street, I would think she's a senior in my school. I may have been staring at her for the past hour now, but I"m still astonished of how youthful she looks-- the sweater, the jeans, the oxfords and the hair-- definitely not how I would dress up, cause I'm just too bad at fashion-- but I can tell she's obviously in the know of the trend.

I bit my lip as she said those words, I guess dad just couldn't shut himself up about her only child-- but it made me feel excited, almost flattered.

"well it's nice to finally meet you too, Doctor." That was the best I could come up with. Darn it.

"Please, call me Sara."

I got goosebumps again; it's too far fetched, but I'm thinking she wants to build up something personal between the 2 of us.

"okay then.. Sara." I said, stopping myself from smiling too hard from all this strange feeling.

Sara pulled the armchair closer to mine, and sat there, we were literally about 2 feet away from eachother; just what the heck are we here for anyway? I thought to myself; to be honest, even though I am getting all excited to be in this room with her, I'm still finding it odd for my Dad's therapist to be acting like this around me. Aren't doctors required to keep it professional? Not that she's being totally unprofessional and all, but I just never thought a Doctor can keep it this personal with a patient's relative.

"so.." she sat with her legs spread apart, and her arm resting on her thighs like a teenager would on a casual sit down with a friend-- I'm loving her already. And to top it off, in closer distance I could see her tattoos, a perfect circle on her inner wrist, and at the back of it is sort of a drawing of 6 short lines; she's by far the coolest person on earth.

"you might be wondering why we brought you here.." she started. I just sat there, staring back at her and waiting for her to spill her beans. "your Dad wanted me to talk to you about college."

Oh.

"what about?" I said. I was quite disappointed-- what was I expecting anyway?

"well.. he asked me to talk to you about a few things, just reminders, and explain them to you if in any case you feel like...Robert is giving you a hard time."

I know Dad isn't the vocal type, but he gets his message across through his actions, and I know he's been dead nervous about me leaving for college.

"he doesn't really have to worry about anything, I'll be good in school.. I promised Mom, and I promised him I'll finish college."

"Robert's pretty confident about that part-- he trusts your abilities so much.. but.. see I don't know how to put it without sounding like I'm interfering, but he wants you to not get into trouble, when you're without any close supervision, but what exactly do you think he's talking about?" Sara asked, rather confused-- I know "exactly" what Dad was talking about.

"See, they sent me to boarding school for troubled teens for almost 2 years-- I didn't kill anyone, but it felt like I was being treated like a criminal." I said, much against my will to tell her something that will tip her off; she's definitely not gonna like me after this. She didn't react though, it's like she already knew, she just laid her arm on the rest and nodded.

"He needs to know that I'm no longer that same kid who will get into petty brawls, or even drugs, or alcohol, I've seen him suffer because of those and I will not let myself succumb to addiction like he did." Sara smiled and relaxed herself, and sighed.

"your Dad really knows you huh. that's what he told me you'd say.." Sara sounds disappointed; she just rested her chin on her knuckles, and her smile faded. "he was scared that he'll get embarrassed when you tell him that, and use his addiction against him." what the fuck? is she playing games on me to let that out my mouth?

"I'm not, I just want to point it out.. that I've seen him suffer because of it, and I'm not going take the same path." I don't mean to make it look like I'm shaming my Dad for what he did. "If there's anyone in this world right now that I care for, more than myself, that's my Father and I'm not ashamed about him going to rehab; in fact I'm proud of him for that because it does take so much in a person to actually WANT to change for the better, and he did not just do it for himself, he did it for us." I must give myself a pat on the back for saying all that without crying.

This time she smiled at me; I guess she's starting to like what she's hearing. Surprisingly she leaned forward and slipped a hand on top of mine and grabbed onto it. I froze on the spot. I can't believe she just did that- is she even allowed to do this though I'm not her patient?

"I believe you Tegan. Now I want you to help me here, and tell your Father he's got nothing to worry about." I don't get it, wouldn't it look like she made me say it, even though I actually mean it? Is it not gonna sound insincere towards my Dad? "he wants you to stay in town..but really, I don't think it's gonna help his recovery if he stays dependent on you." Exactly my point for leaving-- she's got this all figured out. "at the same time, you're not getting any younger, and you need to build a future without him, somehow." I was still staring at her hands on top of mine-- I still couldn't believe it and she's making it hard for me to keep my attention to what she's saying.

"I love him so much." I said.

Sara slowly rubbed the back of my hand with her thumb. "I know.. and he knows that too"

"Sara, can you be.. honest with me?" I asked her-- I was a bit hesitant, and feeling shy to ask her anything, but I went for it anyway. "My Dad, how is he doing?" Sara slowly removed her hands off mine and sat up.

"he's improved.. a few days before he got into rehab.. he was terribly depressed and intoxicated that day, and when I saw him again after he got out, I was surprised. I must say that his progress was because of Rehab, and I feel like I haven't done a lot for him for the past 4 months, so that's also why I agreed to talk to you about him." I'm not sure if she's being humble, or she really thinks she's being an ineffective. I'm under the impression that she's having a hard time getting my Dad to come around; does that make her a bad therapist? or maybe this is one of her techniques?

"I don't usually do this, but for the past 4 months that I worked with your Dad after rehab, he's also become..." she paused "a dear friend.. and I want him to be better, and you're the only person who can help him. See, I'm doing this, not just because it's my job, if I feel like I'm not doing my clients justice, it upsets me, because somehow, these people have opened up to me and trusted me with all their secrets, and I use their own thoughts to make them feel better-- it's all on them. I'm just here to help them pull out that strength inside them and make things happen for them." I'd love to think that she saw something in him that she had this much hope for his improvement, but something definitely feels weird about what I just heard. 

I know she's a shrink, and if there's someone taking over the wheel in this conversation, it's her. Her words were too flowery, but I can definitely feel sincerity, it's just that, we are all in a vulnerable stage in our lives and anything we do can affect us in the long run; I just hope this therapy session will not lose its purpose at the end of the day. I just gave her a nod-- asking myself how the heck am I supposed to confront my Dad about his fear of sending me away without having to gamble my future.


	3. Chapter 3

Dad and I left the clinic as soon he arrived, Sara and I exchanged numbers secretly, so we can communicate with eachother when needed. I was keeping it cool the whole time, but I was screaming inside; though I couldn't stop myself from smiling the whole time and I left her clinic with a rather happy heart.

I don't know about this woman, but she's so attractive, I'm not gonna wonder why Dad is feeling a little too nervous around her either. I'd be sad to know if he's courting her.. I mean, she's a nice girl and she's definitely my Dad's type-- not to mention she looks a lot like Mom-- and me, for that matter. If I knew better, I would have thought we were related in a way or two.

I couldn't take her off my thoughts, there's just something about that woman that gets to me like a drug. We arrived at our house and my mind is still filled of memories of this afternoon, and I need to shake this off. I ran up to the staircase as soon as our maid opened the door for us;

"I'm just gonna go take a shower" I said as I climb up the stairs as quick as I can

"come back down for dinner in 30" Dad said, following a gaze over me.

As soon as I entered the hallway, and I'm no longer in sight from the staircase, I quickly unzipped my pants and unclasped my bra; I entered my bedroom and quickly locked the door behind me. This is definitely going to take me longer than the usual, it's been too long since I last fantasized about a woman like this, and even though I've been meaning to jerk off since the moment she touched my hand, I'm going to take my time.

A warm shower and a very loud background music is a perfect way to conceal my moans from inside the shower room. I quickly ran my hands down between my legs, the moment I warmed myself up with the water, and with in a few seconds I was in a place, that no one else knows but me. 

Oh Sara..

Just what sorcery does this woman posses? It's too impossible not to feel this way towards her-- I want her in my bed, I want her on top of me, I want her inside me, and I want to fuck her right this very second. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I quickly dried up, and lied down on my bed, panting, as I still feel the electricity underneath, crawling up my stomach. I curled up, and smiled like a mad dog, replaying the scenes I had in my head as I touch myself to Sara's orgasm face.

"Tegan, dinner's ready" A call from behind my door, with a loud knock.

It was Dad. I jerked, and cringed to the idea of Dad standing behind my door all this time, but I would have figured that if I didn't hear any footsteps while I was lying down on my bed. I got up and turned down the music and said; "I'll be right out" What's even strange is that he never did that-- he would not come up to my bedroom to knock on my door just to say dinner is ready-- so unless he's totally making up for the last 2 days we'll be together before I leave for UCLA, something is up.

I immediately went over to my closet, dressed up in my slackest pair of jammies and got out of my room. Dad was standing there in the hallway, leaning on the wall beside my door. I walked over to him and grabbed his arm, leading him along the hallway towards the stairs.

"what are you wearing?!" he asked as he observe me from head to foot.

I looked myself up from the mirror in the hallway and said "I'm wearing my usual, pyjamas, why?" I asked in complete confusion; I mean he rarely cares about what I wear inside the house, so this is, yet again, another first. Without another word, and from feeling a little too uncomfortable with Dad staring me down in disgust as if seeing a hermit, I just went back and changed into a pair of dinner-proper clothes

\------------------------------------------------------------

Dad and I went down and headed to the dining room-- upon opening the 2 doors to the room, Dad led me in, and a sudden roar of "CONGRATULATIONS!" threw me back and gave my heart a pleasant skip.

I should have known.

Our dining room is now filled with relatives and friends from around town, clapping and setting off party poppers and carrying a banner that says "Welcome to UCLA"

I looked over to Dad and gave him a sheepish smile as I shake my head, while he closed in on me and gave me a tight hug as he say "I'm proud of you Tee, I hope this party isn't too much to throw off before you leave"

I just chuckled, trying to stop myself from tearing up from this sweet surprise; "come on dad, you didn't have to" I pulled away, and dad gave me an embarrassing kiss on the forehead in front of everyone and they all just gave that unbearable "awwwww"

"come on guys it's a 3 hour drive I can come home anytime I want." I joked as I walk over to Aunt Jen and Aunt Brenda to give them a kiss.

"congratulations sweetie" Aunt Jen said, wiping her lipstick off my cheeks. I didn't really expect any of this, a small announcement on a status on facebook was all I did and everyone else didn't even bother to like or comment on it, and now almost everyone important in my life is in my dining room, gathering up to celebrate my acceptance. This is a very "mom" thing to do, so even though I may have expected this from her, but with only Dad around, I would not have imagined he can gather up these guys for a surprise dinner party-- so that's why he's been all jitty, and odd today.

It makes sense that he left me at the clinic and probably prepared all this; but then does that change anything about what Sara and I talked about earlier?

And speaking of Sara, as I was in the middle of talking to my cousins, my phone beeped for a message from her. I excused myself, as if I was taking a call; I don't really want them seeing me all excited from a text message, I might just blurt out that a girl I fantasize about just texted me.

"Congrats, smarty pants... Mind opening the door for me?"

OH. MY. FREAKIN. GOD.

I almost panicked, and ran over to the bathroom to check myself in the mirror; I wasn't expecting that. It made sense that Dad would invite her over, but of all people, why text me? well.. I don't want to give meaning to any of it, but I should also understand that Dad is busy talking to someone and might not have the chance to check his phone, and the doorbell is usually being disabled at this time of the night cause Dad hates it when people ring the whole house up if they visit too late. I checked the monitors from Dad's study and saw Sara on the front door, standing and fixing her hair, I smiled to the thought of her consciously checking herself up like I did before I open the door for her.

I ran over to the front door, and fixed my hair one last time and straightened my back and smiled. I opened the door, and there stood, clad in her oversized, military anorak, the woman of my dreams.

"hi!" she greeted me with a grin. The dim lights from our front door lighting up her face makes her look like an angel descending from heaven; cheesy I know, but fuck it, she's just a piece of heaven. My smile faded as I savor the sight of her face-- I couldn't believe she was here, in my porch, joining me for my send off party, with the rest of my family and friends.

She threw herself at me and gave me hug and a quick peck on my cheek; even though it was a usual thing for us (family and friends) to greet eachother like that, I just froze on the spot. Much as I've been wanting her to do that, I'm still surprised that she's acting this comfortable towards me-- it's confusing really, but I guess she's just this friendly. Even after she pulled away I was still standing there, stuck from all those thoughts that I just washed away about an hour ago, coming back and filling up my brains again, and sending signals to my inner thighs.

"are you gonna let me in? it's.. kinda cold out here." she said as she shudder from the cold wind.

"oh shit, sorry, come on in." darn it Tegan, you're such a stupid ass 

After I closed the door behind her, I then quickly grabbed the collar of her coat from her back.

"here let me take that" I said, as she she help herself out of it.

I stand a few inches taller than her, and I can see clearly from my point of view, the arch of her cleavage-- she changed into a rather casual shirt from this afternoon and is now wearing a grey v-neck and jeans. I don't mean this as an insult, I would not have guessed, yet again, that she's a therapist. I may have figured that out earlier, but it still amazes me how she looks so young at 33.

"thanks..I love how warm your house is! it's very nice.." I really didn't know how to respond-- I mean I don't find it fascinating cause I'm so used to the temperature inside.

"yeah we like to keep things... hot.. or warm. inside." stop looking at her boobs I shook my head from my dirty ideas. don't ruin this, fucker.

She chuckled; and did her signature hair flip. "uhm, can I use the bathroom for a while?" she asked, clutching her bag.

"sure, I'll lead you down." I said walking past her, but she grabbed on to my arms and smiled

"oh no, that's fine, I know where it is." woah, wait, what?

"how did... you..." before I could even finish, she already walked past me, on her way to the bathroom. Just how the fuck did she know where the bathroom is? She's obviously been here before-- Jesus Christ, I hope Dad never brought her here while I was away, Jesus, just... fucking no.

\----------------------------------------------

I was sitting down at the couch in living room with my cousins, while Sara chatted with Dad and my aunts and uncles by the fireplace, over a glass of wine. I haven't spoken to her since she excused herself for the bathroom, and I don't really know how to ask her without offending her. I've been dying to ask her, cause I don't want to assume that she and Dad has something too personal going on, and if they do, it's just too strange that I just met her today, I guess with all respect to his only child, if he's dating someone, as a courtesy, he will introduce her to me. Not that I;m saying I met all the women she messed up with, but she never brought any of those girls home, and if she did that with Sara, I'm guessing it's something serious.

I honestly wanna throw up, thinking that he might be sleeping with her and I just masturbated to my imagination of having sex with her. It's fucking sick, and I was literally sweating bullets.

"hey, are you okay?" Amy, one of my bestfriends in highschool, who was sitting right beside me, rubbed my back upon seeing how revolted I looked like. "you look really pale, didn't you like the food?" she asked, sweeping away my hair from the side as I lean my elbows to my knees. I nodded, and gave a thumbs up, but in reality, stuff from my stomach are beginning to crawl up to my throat.

"rodha, can you get a glass of water for Tegan please." Rose, one of my cousins, called on to one of our maids.

"I'm okay.." I said as I try hard to sit up. I took a deep breath and pulled my phone out for a beep.

It was yet another text message from Sara. I looked up at her and sighed, she was looking at her phone as she drink up the wine on her glass, then glanced over to me and smiled-- then looked away.

"you okay? you haven't been drinking, have you?" why does she care? seriously, it's like she's known me for years the way she act around me; I mean I want to know her better, but I'm starting to think she's being like this cause she wants to win my approval for Dad, and not because she might have felt the same way towards me; I just feel bad, let down and disgusted. 

Rhoda came back with a glass of cold water, I quickly took it from her and took a sip. I then gave Amy the glass and threw my head back on the couch.

"Hi guys.." Sara said as she approach us.

"hey there big shot. Done rubbing elbows with the oldies?" Courtney, another cousin of mine greeted as she sit down beside me. Now my cousins know her?! Just what the fuck is going on? How come I'm getting a grip of this only now?

"yeah, sometimes I don't really know who to join during this these kinds of gathering." Sara said, putting down her glass of wine on the coffee table.

"well safe to say that since you look like our age group, but have the brains of a doctor, you can always fool anyone to thinking you're a very intelligent 20 something." Rose added.

"and it's better that way at least you can juggle the circles around, if you get bored there, you can always join us" said Courtney.

I cannot believe I'm in the middle of this conversation, so I excused myself for the bathroom.

"do you want me to come with you?" Amy asked as I stand up.

"sure." I said bluntly.

\----------------------------------------------

Amy and I stayed inside the bathroom after I completely threw up everything I ate that night. We just sat on top of the vanity counter, smoking my e-cigarette for almost 10 minutes now. I don't really smoke "real" cigarettes, but I do Marijuana; I used to sneak up on my Mom's prescriptions and take a pinch from it to smoke with Amy, but since she died I stopped. 

"I miss smoking some ganjas." Amy said as she exhale.

I just chuckled; I honestly miss it too, but I couldn't get myself to go back because it reminds me of Mom.

"yeah, me too. but no, I'm not doing it again.." I said, taking my turn on the e-cigarette.

"what happened to you by the way? why did you just.. suddenly, got all sick?" Amy asked in confusion.

I then sighed and came down from the counter, I walked over to the door to check if there's anyone outside, when it's clear, I closed the door back and locked it.

"what's up?" Amy asked, still looking all confused.

"okay.. don't tell this to anyone.. but.. my dad's therapist, Sara, I think she's having an unfair with him" Amy was frowned, and looked all shock.

"WHAT? what the fuck?" she said

"I know right! and she's been all cozy with me, earlier today when we were at the clinic, she was all smiles, and giddy, she would hold my hand and caress it, and now she called on me when she arrived and gave me a hug, she even kissed me in the cheek!" I said, with an apparent sound of frustration.

"WAIT! I'm gonna stop you right there." Amy said, raising a hand over to my face, and almost to the point of laughing, "haven't they told you yet?" I frowned, and narrowed my eyes trying to recall if I missed anything Dad would'v said to me before the party.

"told me what?" I asked in an undertone, feeling a little embarrassed from the thought that I just freaked out to my bestfriend but just kind of laughed it off on me.

"Sara is your Aunt Brenda's daughter." 

It's too impossible, if so, my Dad would have told me, right? But holy fuck, I apparently have the hots for my own cousin.


	4. Chapter 4

I was thrown back by what Amy just told me; she too was surprised that I wasn't even aware that one of my older cousins who used to live in Calgary, is now in the US for the first time to meet the rest of her relatives and to practice her PhD, and one of her first clients is actually my Dad; not being directly related to him, she agreed to be his therapist . Aunt Brenda is my Mom's eldest sibling, who is also friends with Amy's Mom, and spends almost everyday in the country club, and for the past month during spring break, Amy, being the youngest of her siblings, is always under her Parents' wing, and has met Sara at the country club a few times, while I was busy preparing my college applications and spending time with Dad. We spent the next 30 minutes inside the bathroom, just connecting the dots.

"I thought you knew." Amy said, mumbling through her words as she chew on her nails-- a habit she's fond of doing when she's nervous.

I shook my head and just let out another sigh; I was sort of relieved that Dad is never going to be with her, but I was totally disappointed that she was actually my cousin. I would understand that Dad didn't get the chance to introduce her to me, I mean it's not necessary, but I wish I could've met my "cousin" so I didn't have to go through all this misunderstanding, though it made me feel a little less guilty for jerking off to her, but still, I feel bad, but yeah, she's really hot and this makes me wish we were never related. 

"yeah, and it was perfect for Dad to leave me there cause I never met her before... It just went all well for the surprise!" I was laughing and shaking my head like a mad man figuring out how big of a joke that was for me.

I'm embarrassed and I don't know how to get out of the bathroom to join the rest of my visitors.

"well, Sara told me she met you before when your family visited Canada when you were kids, but I guess you would not have recognized her now."

So that's why she looks so much like me and Mom, and that's why Dad was so nervous, that I might recognize her, but the role playing did work and everything just went well; but I'm still bothered about what Sara and I talked about-- she may be Dad's therapist, but those things she said about Dad, and his anxiety from the thought of me having to leave him for 10 months; are they even true?

"Guys, do you need any help in there?" Rose called us from outside.

"I guess we have to go back out." Amy said, walking towards the bathroom door.

\--------------------------------------------------------

The moment I sat down with Amy, and the rest of my cousins, I just wanted the couch to eat me up-- it may not be a public embarrassment, but I just feel silly from what happened today, and I can't even look straight at anyone in the living room.

"are you feeling better?" Sara asked as she sit up and face me.

And there I am, staring at her again... _God she's just beautiful_

I just pursed my lips, smiled and nodded. "never better" I said.

"good." She sat back, and finished up her glass of wine.

"Tegan? your aunt Jen and Brenda are leaving.." Dad said, approaching. Oh goody, people are starting to leave-- much as I wanted Sara to stay, she might also leave along with them now. I stood up and went over to them to give them a kiss, and went back to Sara to say goodbye.

"you're not leaving too are you?" Darn it. That didn't come out right.

Sara stared at me and smiled; "of course not, I'm staying!"

I felt a flash of excitement in me, but quickly shook it off to stay calm--

_oh God, she's staying.. keep calm, moron, keep calm_

I threw a quick glance at Amy and she smiled, but was busy drinking her juice to hide her smiling face. I pursed my lips as I look back at Sara and sit right beside her again, and drank my juice too in an attempt to hide my own smile.

"bye Darling, I'll see you tomorrow. happy sleep over! you ALL NEED TO BOND." Aunt Brenda said.

I almost spat out my juice.

"bye Mom.." Sara gave Aunt Brenda a kiss and then they left.

My heart is pounding--I could not believe what I just heard-- I should probably ask Amy to sleep over too, or maybe Rose. I honestly don't know how to act around her, especially now that she's staying not only for a few more hours, but for the night. I may have felt a little relieved that she's actually my cousin, but that doesn't really change the fact that I like her-- too much too soon, to be honest.

"so... I'm apparently sleeping over too, much to my disappointment" Courtney said before drinking up her wine.

"are you even allowed to drink yet?" Rose said, giving her sister a furious look as their Mom left.

"I'm 21 in 2 months, and yes, I can drink Wine under adult supervision I suppose. stop being a nosy bitch" Rose just rolled her eyes over to me and sighed.

\--------------------------------------------------------

All five of us took the "bonding" out to our balcony, and sat by the outdoor fireplace. This was the first time we did this after Courtney turned 16; so we were kinda not doing it right, Courtney was busy with facebook and talking on the phone with her boyfriend, and with the visitors leaving one by one, I'm pretty sure it's better to probably stay outside so the maids can clean up the mess.

"I'm sorry about today.." Sara said as we all sit down by the outdoor couch.

"That's fine, you guys did a good job!" I said, letting out a nervous chuckle.

"but did you honestly not recognize her?! I mean you guys can pass for twins, and it didn't even cross your mind?" Rose asked, looking at me still sort of dumbfounded.

"well I thought she does look a lot like Mom, but I never imagined my cousin as my Dad's therapist." I then turned to Sara and accidentally slipped my hand over her thighs-- but quickly took my hands back when I realized I was being too close for comfort-- and I almost forgot what I was about to ask her. "is.. is that even, legal?" I asked her, clenching my fists over at my lap-- almost to the point of hurting my own palms with my fingernails, as punishment for yet another stupidity.

"we're not directly related, so it's fine. it's not like we were close relatives either, so for me it was easy to listen to him without judgement, because I never really got the chance to spend my time growing up recognizing him as an uncle." Sara answered immediately. "also, whatever we talked about earlier today, that wasn't really part of my plan for his extended therapy, but I did ask him if I could speak to you, and he chose this date, so it's timely, and will ultimately help him with the surprise party." That's another weight off my shoulders, it's good to know everything else was part of helping my Dad get better, and not just another act of getting away with this surprise party.

"what's funnier is that Dad actually forgot to tell me who you were, even after the surprise party." I said as Sara refilled her wine, smiling pensively.

"Bob's a really bad liar, I can tell you that." she said chuckling. I was just watching her, and it still amazes me how graceful she looks, even in doing the simplest things. She returned the wine bottle back on the ice bucket and quickly took a sip off her glass. Pursing her lips, she let out a satisfied moan and swallowed; fuck it, I couldn't help but swallow my own saliva in nervousness of seeing her do that.

"He kept this mind set of not considering the "lying" part, so I would understand that it totally slipped his mind." Yeah, and that same lack of ability to hide things from us, was also the same reason why Mom eventually found out about all his womanizing, costing her her life.

"totally makes sense now.." I said.

Sara flinched, and narrowed her eyes as she look at me right in the eye; she's being mental, I can tell.

"is there something wrong?" she asked, sounding all concerned, and obviously figured out that there's something else running inside my head.

I really cannot hide away something too obvious from her by just saying "no", so I just gave her a smirk, and bowed my head as I play with my calluses.

I looked up at Sara and glanced over to Amy, who was just listening to us in the other side of the couch; Sara then, understanding that I don't really want to talk about it, asked me something else.

"Do you play the guitar?" she asked, I looked up at her in surprise and thought of how she could figure out my hobby when I have clearly never talked about it.

"Yeah.. how did you know?" I asked her.

Sara just smiled and extended her arms over-- "see my tattoos?" she asked, showing them off to me.

"ooh... okay! totally makes sense now, I thought it was just one of those, tattoos with deep meaning" I figured her tattoo resembles the anatomy of a guitar "so you play too?" I asked, but that doesn't really answer my question.

"yeah and I used to have that much callus on my finger tips when I was starting." she said, putting her arms back over to her lap..

That was one obvious observation, but I think it was a lucky guess-- I mean the calluses can come from something else-- but I like how she quickly thought of something else to talk about.

"so are you guys in a band?" she asked as she faced Amy.

"oh us? No, but we-- Rose, Tegan and I used to play in our basement, just jamming.. but we never really got together since Tegan left for boarding school." Amy said, sounding a bit sad when she mentioned boarding school.

"but when she decided to stay, we played again." Rose added.

Sara just nodded, and flickered her lids-- she looks kind of buzzed already.

"guys?" Courtney said walking towards us "will Uncle Bob let me leave? there's a party I need to go to." There goes Courtney and her highschool attitude.

"nope." Sara said standing up. "already tried asking him to let you off the sleepover, Aunt Jen said no."

"oh great.." she stood up and walked away. "Just fuck my life!" she shouted as she get inside.

"what is her problem?" I asked Rose, Courtney was being a little too exaggerated, I think one night with your cousins will be too much to ask-- and I'm a little concerned that I might end up being like that when I get to college-- I hope not.

Rose smiled as soon as she couldn't see Courtney around from the window. "she's been home for almost the whole summer vacation," she said, closing in for a whisper."and I accidentally read one of her facebook messages when she left it logged on in our computer at the house and she's been fighting with her boyfriend for days now cause of all the facebook photos he posted with different girls from the frat party, and there's another one tonight, so I guess she's freaking out." Rose is such a blabber mouth.

"don't tell her I told you guys." she said as she sat up.

"well, that's college. it's always the worst time to get yourself in a relationship, if you ask me." Sara said.

"oh yeah? how come?" I asked, I kind of felt a little bit concerned, not that I"m planning to engage myself in an exclusive relationship while in college, but what if I meet someone I like? I mean, there will be thousands of smart, good looking people in UCLA, and I;m pretty sure in a matter of days, I'm probably hooking up with someone-- I wanna hook up with someone right now and I'm not even in college-- problem is she's my cousin.

"well.. charge to experience. almost failed my psychology BS cause of a failed relationship, so when I attended med school, I just totally blocked everyone out."

"yeah, look at you now." One hot psychotherapist-- her smarts is really turning me on, makes me wanna fuck her brains out even more. Sara just glanced at me and smiled, and I swear she just blushed.

_Jeez Tegan, you're wet again._

It's happening again-- just the thought of how smart and beautiful she is, plus the way she shyly smiled at me from my little compliment is already making me wet.

After about another hour of chatting and 2 rounds of hot choco, we all decided to hit the sack. Tonight was fun, I really had no idea dad was planning everything out, and he actually had to go through all the trouble. I really wanted to talk to him tonight, but Sara said it'll be best if I speak to Dad tomorrow morning; something about a person having a better grip of the message you're sending across, after a good night's sleep. She said it will improve his mood for the rest of the day, unlike sleeping it through the night-- there's a tendency for him to forget or not take it seriously the morning after. 

\--------------------------------------------------------

"you never told me which university you're attending. are you trying to hide something from me?" I asked Amy, almost mocking her for not being the bestfriend she should be.

Amy just chuckled and scratched her head as she nudge the duvet over her chest. "I'm really embarrassed to tell you this but I'm gonna have to skip this term." she does sound a little embarrassed, but I don't really mind, as long as she's happy with it and her parents won't mind, I'm good with it; and at some point it is to my advantage that she's not gonna be busy enough to ignore me when the semester starts.

though it concerns me that she's getting lazy again, as a good friend, I don't want her to waste away her smarts. "why now? I thought you want to carry on to college while you're at it?" I asked.

Amy just shook her head and scoffed. "I just don't think I'm ready yet, I wanna give my brain some rest." she then turned her back on me and fixed her head on the pillow-- there's really something very odd about her not going to college like we planned. Much as I want to force her into it, I recalled Sara'a advice about talking it out first thing in the morning if you want to say something important to someone, so I just sighed and gave her a quick pat on the back. "whatever it is you're going through, just know we're not bestfriends for nothing. goodnight."

"night." Was all what Amy said. I let out another sigh and turned back on her too as I cozied up under the duvet; I'm just tired too, I guess I need to call it a night and stop with the intervention.

\--------------------------------------------------------

I woke up to a sudden movement in my bed in the middle of the night, and it felt like only minutes from the time I bid Amy goodnight. I didn't want to lose the momentum of my sleep, so without opening my eyes, I pulled in my duvet, but there's something heavy weighing it down.

"Jesus Amy, move.." I said moving my body towards Amy, but for some reason, it seems like someone is pinning me down my position; in fear of an intruder, I frantically moved and opened my eyes, but the person held down my arm and covered my mouth...

"hey.. It's me." the person said, closing in on me, saying those words right to my ear.

I'd like to keep everything dark when I go to sleep, and at this very minute, I regret not getting a night light. I opened my eyes wider trying to gather what little amount of light from my window to see whoever was there, weighing me down.

That voice though... it can't be, there's just no way. I'd like to think that I'm dreaming, but from my shock, I can definitely tell, more than anything else this minute, that I am wide awake. I am still being held down, so I calmed myself down and tried my hardest to relax to release the tension from the weight-- the more I panic, I'm sure I will have to struggle from moving away.

She raised her head and slowly slipped her hands off my mouth the moment she realized I was calmed down. I was still breathing heavily, and my heartbeat is still racing-- but not in fear this time. But there's just no way Sara is on top of me right this very second, and our faces only a few inches away from each other.

Upon realizing that it was her, I let out a sigh of relief-- but I could hear my own heart from my chest, beating faster than it ever had. Sara and I stared at eachother for a moment, not minding how awkward our position was that very minute. I could feel her breathing right to me, the smell of her perfume and wine filled the air I was breathing, and I can even feel how warm her face was from all the alcohol she had earlier. 

It didn't occur to me that she was actually closing in on me again, until I felt her nose touch mine, but the moment she felt me jerk in surprise, she quickly pulled her face away.

"I'm so sorry" Sara said as she kneel up, the moonlight from my window hitting the contours of her face-- reaffirming me that it is, indeed her. Again she's caught me speechless; I wasn't dreaming, I pinched my digits with my fingernails and felt the sting there like I should. I didn't know what to say-- this is very unlikely and just flat out weird.

"uhh.. it's okay.. everything alright?" I asked as I push myself up; she moved away a bit and we sat down on my bed, face to face. I was still feeling odd about what just happened, and all possible reasons are running inside my head, but I wanted to keep her form embarrassing herself, but just not making a big deal out of it.

Sara sighed, and bowed down, covering her face with her palms. 

"I'm really sorry." she said-- this time, she got off my bed and walked quickly towards my door.

_what the fuck is going on?_

Sara ran out my room without closing my door, I then got up to close it, but I'm just not letting her go without telling me what she was doing in my room so I followed her out. I was expecting her to get inside the room she was sharing with Rose and Courtney, but instead, she went down the stairs. I quickly followed her, and caught up with her at the landing.

"What were you doing in my room?" I asked, pulling her aside. That was harsh-- but I don't wanted to sound as if I will just let her get away with almost giving me heart attack.

Sara shook her head-- "nothing.. I'm.. I've had too much wine, my mind was going somewhere ele, and I just felt like..." she paused and looked up at me.

"felt like what?" I asked, pretentiously maintaining a calm disposition, despite my heart beating rapidly from excitement and worry.

"Tegan, just let it go.. it was a mistake and I promise it won't happen again." Sara's voice broke.

_I'm confused._

She then walked up the stairs again, I wanted to pull her back, but I just let out something else more forceful than my arms.

"what if I tell I didn't really want you to leave my room?"

Sara stopped halfway, but she didn't move, so walked up to her. I stopped as I reached her level-- she was just staring at her feet, and breathing heavily.

"you don't know what you're saying." she said.

Sara continued up the 2nd floor and walked towards their guestroom; but before she could even open their door, I pulled her as hard as I can and dragged her towards the empty guest room just in front of their door.

"Stop it Tegan, let me go!" she said in a rather mad tone, in a hushed voice.

I didn't know what I was doing, every second I move towards my next action, I begin to regret what I just did and wanted to go back to my room and cover myself in embarrassment. I almost wished that I was in a dream, but it seems like what's happening right now is my chance to reaffirm my suspicions from this morning.

I was locking the door when Sara struggled to get me out of the way of the door.

"you're not going anywhere until you tell me what went to your head tonight." I said, leaning against the door and blocking her way, as I flick my fingers tto secure the lock on the door.

"Tegan please, just let it go, let's just both go back to bed and forget this ever happened." she said.

The room was dark, and only the moonlight through the small window is giving us enough light see our silhouettes.

"I don't even know why I did what I did.. I just.. please, let me go back to bed."

I sighed-- I'm standing by my word and I'm not letting her out without spilling the beans-- I just hope all this trouble is worth it after tonight.

"maybe this will remind you." I just went for it-- I ran my hands through her cheeks and pushed myself towards her for a kiss.

_fuck, Tegan, you're fucking fucked up. what the fuck are you fucking doing?_

I was on a high-- I couldn't believe I'm kissing her right this second-- and the way her lips felt and her taste, was all how I imagined it to be. My stomach was curling up, and it's as if a thousand butterflies are flying around, I almost felt like passing out from the natural high.

I never wanted to kiss anyone this bad.

Just when I was about to pull away, and start regretting and curse to myself aloud, I felt Sara's lip move, and her body pushing further into mine.

She was kissing me back.


	5. Chapter 5

"good morning!" I greeted gleefully as Amy and I enter the dining room for breakfast. Dad, Rose and Courtney were already there, waiting for the food to be served-- no Sara in sight.

After what happened last night, I wasn't so sure myself how we'd act in front of eachother-- there wasn't any talking, just a lot of kissing, and she left me in the guestroom last night, dumbfounded, and my questions, still not answered.

I don't want to seem conceited, but one thing is clear to me since then-- she wanted me too. I know it's sick, and by the moment I threw my lips on hers, I knew I'd be burning in hell for all of it. I don't know what to come up of it, I don't really want it to mean anything, I just want to feel happy about kissing her, and possibly more in the future-- but judging from the scene in this dining room, I don't think I'd be able pull out again, that part of her that went for it on me last night.

"where's Sara?" I asked, turning to Dad as I dump my teabag on the cup.

"she left really early today, some work emergency." Dad said, as our food arrive.

"I wish I can tell Mom I want to drop my pre med." Courtney added, obviously listening though her fingers are busy typing on her phone as usual,

"But she's not THAT kind of doctor, right? are shrinks also on call like that?" Rose asked.

"actually they are. They need to be awake and in full function once one of their patients call on them cause they feel like they want to kill themselves." Dad said.

Seems like this day isn't going to be as great as I expected. I hope Sara won't avoid me, nor would she pretend that nothing ever happened-- I miss her already. While she never reassured me of anything, I just know that I wanted to spend more time with her.

\------------------------------------------

After breakfast, Courtney and Rose drove home, while Amy stayed to help me pack.

It was almost noon time and we finished all my luggage, but I still haven't gotten any response from Sara; I sent her one text message, and didn't really wanna bombard her and seem clingy. I'd like to keep an open communication with her, even after how awkward that would be for us, she's my cousin after all, but if she was out of the picture for almost my whole life, I don't think it's going to be any of a loss for her if she avoids me this time, after meeting me once.

"are you ready?" Dad asked as he come into my room.

Amy then gave me the look and stood up to leave "I'll just wait for you downstairs."

I never had the perfect timing to talk to him since this morning, from so many things I need to accomplish before leaving home, I'm glad Amy was very understanding and attentive. I'm finally going to college, and I don't want to go, for so many reason and one of them is having to leave Dad again.

"I'll be done in a few, I'm just checking my requirements." I said as I sit down on my bed.

Dad just nodded, and sat beside me as he take one of my transcripts.

"I can't believe you're finally going to college, and I still can't believe I'm this old already." he said, obviously trying to keep it from getting dramatic.

"yeah, I didn't actually expect to get in. I was kinda planning on resorting to being a struggling band member... but I guess Mom wouldn't want that."

"that's not true, Sonia would definitely support you with anything as long as it makes you happy."

There was a moment of silence.. Again we were caught in a time where we wished Mom was still around, and I miss her terribly. I'm sure Dad does too, but he's keeping it together well.

"Hey Tegan, listen.. I want you to tell me if you really want to do this.. or not."

Okay, now I know this is tempting, and that Dad wanted me to stay, and I'mglad he's considering my choices on this one;

"Of course I wanted to, I would have told you even before I applied I didn't want to go to college." I hope he doesn't use my love of music and being in a band against my college attendance.

Dad nodded and smiled, "alright, I want you to know that whatever you choose, I'll support you. just be good there. I know there will be a lot of distractions, I've been there, but don't lose your focus, and don't forget your priorities.. understood?"

"yes Dad.."

He gave me a pat on the shoulder; "good.. remember everything we talked about, okay? no boys in the dorm room" Oh Dad, if you only know.

"yes.. dad, don't worry, hooking up with boys isn't on my list." but girls, hell yes. He smiled at me and walked up towards my door;

"and.. uhh.. Dad..?" I called on him. "I just want to tell you that there's nothing to worry about." at that moment I could feel my eyes warming up to tears.

Dad paused and bowed down from the door; he slowly turned around to as he said; "Just don't get in trouble."

"i know, that you know, I've learned my lesson from every wrong thing I did as a kid. They were stupid mistakes, but it's part of growing up, like you said. I know what can happen to me, and seeing you change for the better has given me inspiration that I can be better too."

"I trust you Tegan.. and I am proud of you."

"I'm proud of you too, Dad."

There were no hugs, no tears falling, but there's a lot of emotions flying across my room. Dad smiled back at me and left my room; I felt my heart lighten, the moment I said all those things to him. I'm glad he didn't take it the wrong way, and think that I would never be as fucked up as him when I grow older. I used to see him as a really bad person, but people change, and I was never wrong in giving my Dad a chance in proving himself to me, and I'm sure Mom is also proud of him for standing up against his old self.

\------------------------------------------------

packing my bags was hard enough for both of us, but having to drive me down to UCLA leave me there was a different story.

I had to beg him to leave, a couple of times I assured him I'll be fine and I'll take care of myself. I was worried for him too, we have helpers to look after him and he surely has the company of his friends, so he won't be alone. However, this will be the first time that I'll be away from him for a long time.

It took us about an hour to say our goodbyes at the parking lot, and if that wasn't painful enough, he even offered me to buy us a house near the university-- I just had to stop him there.

"Dad, I'll be fine. I'm going to miss you but I'll be fine, I promise" I told him for the millionth time.

Dad just sighed and scratched his head in complete worry.

"come here" he said as he grab me and embrace me real tight.

"I love you kiddo.. promise you'll be good.." he said from behind my head.

"yes Dad.. I swear I'll get back home at the end of the semester with complete limbs." I joked as he finally let go of me.

I took one last look at him, one good look before he left.

"I love you Dad." I said, giving him a smile and at the back of my head, asking him to already leave cause every passer-by is looking at us already.

"please take care..you know you;re all I have." he said, as the expression on his face change into something more serious. I gave him one last embrace before I send him off. All we have is eachother now-- and I'm almost on the verge of agreeing with him to buy a house in the city so we can stay together-- but I just need to be independent.

Dad drove away, as I gather my suitcases from the gutter. I let out one deep sigh as I push my trolley around while I pull out the map so I can locate my dorm.

"good morning freshman!" a guy in a blue polo-shirt and khaki shorts came up to me, but my attention was on his knee high socks and his neon colored nikes.

"good morning." I said bluntly, I was trying hard to smile, so as to not seem a little too snobbish; I kept walking though, looking around for any street sign.

"need any help finding your dorm?" he asked. he was rather eager, and I guess it won't hurt to be nice to a helpful stranger on my first day in college.

"uhh.. yeah.. it's building 3c, west 3rd street" I said, as I stop from walking and give him the card with my dorm address on it.

He then looked up and pointed over to a street on my right.

"just go down that street, on your left you should see street numbers, just walk along til you see 3rd, oh and, building 32 should be a black brick apartment type, with a gold knob on the front door." he said without a pause.

"wow, you sure know your way around the campus, thanks." I said as I push my trolley, sounding as if I was in a hurry to leave him alone.

"you're welcome! I'm Daniel, by the way" he said, walking past and stopping right in front of me as he reach put his hand for a shake.

I paused and forced another smile; "Tegan" I said shaking his hands.

"wow, cool name, is that russian? I mean, the strong features, the.. dark look in your eyes.. "

"I'm gonna stop y9ou right there.." I said cutting him off, it may not sound like it, but he's definitely being racist. "first off, I'm not russian, and I don't have a dark look in my eyes, I'm not a war freak"

"I know, I mean, I'm just saying you look, fairly different.. you look.. tough, you know, I mean I'm sure you're from here cause you speak like a valley girl so---"

that does it "Excuse me?!" I exclaimed, fixing my back pack as it slipped off my shoulder. Daniel jerked, and looked kinda surprised by my reaction. "I really appreciate the help, but what is your problem? do you do this to every freshman you meet?!" Daniel looked around, avoiding all the eyes looking at us from this small stand off. " jeez.. fuck off jerk." I said as I walk away pushing my trolley.

I left him there in daze, I guess he thought I'm one of those wide eyed, naive, fresh highschool grads that he can tease on, but no.. I'm not taking any bullshit from any of these entitled seniors. What a way to start my first day, just a few minutes after my Dad is away, I get this crap from a guy; Just why are men such a bunch of shit heads? 

I walked along 3rd street, and saw the black brick apartment Daniel was talking about. It's got a flight of about 5 stair steps to the front door, and yes, the door knob is gold plated. The apartment looks really neat, and compared to the other dorms, this one looks very fancy. I grabbed my suitcases and climbed the steps to the front door, and just as I was about to put down my stuff to open the door, it swung open.

"OH! Hi! can I help you?" A tall girl in gym clothes and a blonde bob said, as she get out of the building.

"uhm, is this dorm 3c?" I asked nervously, and my voice obviously trembling _get it together, bitch_

The girl smiled at me and offered a hand "I'm Jen.. I'm the house master, you're probably one of the freshmen we have for this year, are you Tegan?"

_wow, she knows my name_

"that's me!" I said putting down my suitcases. I then shook her hands as I gather up my awkwardness, trying hard not to let it show.

Her handshake was firm, but she quickly pulled her hand away, I guess she noticed that I was being uncomfortable.

"we were expecting you, come on in." she said leading me inside. She grabbed one of my suitcases too, and held the door for me. Jen looks like an athlete, her legs and arms are slender yet toned, and her biceps are very much defined from carrying my suitcase.

"this one's heavy, what do you got in here?" she asked as she put it down on the marble tiles in the foyer.

"just.. clothes.. lots of it." I said; I pursed my lips in embarrassment, I really didn't know how to act around her, she seems too prim.

"I'm sure.." she said, crossing her arms as she survey me from head to foot; rude much?

"oh I'm sorry.. I don't mean to act rude, I just... think you... dress comfortably... anyway, I'm not making any sense.." she then walked over the stair case and went up a couple steps. Just what does she have against what I'm wearing? pft, this girl is already rubbing me the wrong way.,

"GIRLS!" she screamed. followed by slamming of doors and footsteps from the second floor.

I felt the cold air trace the back of my neck as my dorm mates slowly appear from all places, one by one. Most of them were still in their jammies, and underwear, good lord, am I sure I'm not in a sorority? However surprising the amount of attractive women there are present in the house, what left me wondering was a group of 5 men from the living room also went out to the foyer to Jen's call.

"welcome to 3c" said someone behind me, I looked over and was even more surprised to see Amy.

Dad.. Jesus Christ, I'm sure he pulled strings to get me in here with Amy.

I went over to Amy and embraced her in excitment, "I hate you." I said from behind her ears.

"we'll talk about it later" she answered quickly before she pull away.

"wow, you know eachother?" Jen asked. 

"yeah, we're bestfriends" I said calmly this time. I could thank the heavens for Amy, if it weren't for her I would have passed out by now.

Jen just smiled; "good, you have a room mate then. we're missing 2 seniors, but I'll go ahead anyway..okay, first of all, let's welcome our freshmen, Amy, Sally, Bree and Tegan, and we also have 3 new transferring housemates, Teresa, Carrie and Rebecca." everyone else greeted us back;

I gave Amy a glance and smiled as I felt a hint of excitement finally getting on me, everyone else seem friendly and welcoming, I just hope I don't have to see a lot of Jen.

"be nice to them, okay?" she said to everyone. "come on up, I'll show you your rooms" Jen said as soon as everyone else gave a nod. Amy helped me up with my suitcase this time.

"where's your luggage?" I asked amy as we come up the stairs.

"It's upstairs on the common room" she answered as she struggle with my suitcase. I'm starting to feel sorry for her, she's fairly slim though taller, but it looks like I'm much stronger than her. She was never the sporty type,and not to mention she got a c for gym class.

"hey why don't you take my backpack instead?" I asked her as I grab her hand. Amy looked back at me and smiled;

"thanks.. I honestly don't know how to say it's too heavy.." Amy said, being her awkward self.

I then removed my backpack and gave it to her; I then literally dragged my suitcases up as she put my bag over her shoulders.

We reached the second floor and walked over to the common room where the rest of the tenants's suitcases were, I guess I was the last one to arrive.

"house rules" Jen began, as she pasue in the middle of the common room; she didn't even wait til I put down my bags.

"first, and I know everyone wants to know this-- we don't have a curfew, so don't restrict your room-mates from staying out too late even if you're scared to be alone in your rooms" everyone gave a chuckle-- are there any ghosts in here?

"for the freshmen, fyi all your rooms are furnished, equiped with cable TVs, and a personal fridge, so if you leave your food at the common fridge in the kitchen and someone eats it, it's your fault, and we would love to not fight with anyone of you just because you missed an episode of pretty little liars" Yeah, not a fan.

"we don't party in this house, cause we all get invited in parties anyway, so there's no need to host one-- if deem necessary, we will have to rent a place for that, it costs a fortune to maintain the dorm, so cut your parents some slack and save them from paying your penalites for damaging private property, and we don't want any of our non party goers to be disturbed" Thank God.

"respect eachother. we have gay and lesbians, and people of color and different religions in the house, so if you're a bigot and can't respect diversity, feel free to leave NOW." with emphasis on now, Jen looked around, giving almost everyone a piercing look. This is honestly getting better, and my stay here will be as good as I imagined it would. I'm sure to myself that I'm bisexual since I've had one boyfriend, went on a few dates and I'm still, well, a virgin, but I'm always fascinated by other girls, though I'm not sure if I want to be them, or be with them, I'm open to it. Seems like my first semester would teach me more than just the lessons on my syllabus.

"and uh.. just a reminder, we may be a fun loving bunch, but we take our studies seriously, so to the 4 of you, goodluck, we hope to still see you all next semester.."

Oh I take my shit seriously.. I just hope I'd graduate so I can make my Dad proud, and Mom too, I'm sure shes watching over me from up there.

"so, here are your keys to the house and the rooms, you can find your room number on your admission kit. again welcome, and I'll go ahead, I'm late for gym. see you all later!" 

Jen left, running down the stairs, and once she was out of sight I exhaled in comfort; her presence kinda makes me feel tensed.

\---------------------------------------------------

As expected, Amy and I shared the room. I'm so glad I didn't have to be uncomfortable around these people on my first day, and somehow a part of my comfort zone stayed with me through my first time in college

"I bet you're wondering.." Amy called out as we were unpacking. 

"what, that you're here and I didn't even know? you were really good at keeping it, huh." 

"yeah, well.." Amy paused; there was an apparent hesitation from her, so I just carried on in folding out my shirts to the closet so as to not strain her. 

"it was kind of a funny story though.." I turned back to her side of the bed with a wide grin. "Your Dad and mine scheduled for golf at the country club one time, around about a month ago, I think?" yeah that country club is a magical place. "that was when he said you got accepted, and I wasn't really planning to tell you anything till you get your letter.. so when it was brought up, I was surprised and Robert practically begged my Dad to let me stay at a dorm so I can be with you.. so.. our parents set us up, and I was told to keep it shut, to surprise you.."

I shook my head as I walk over to my suitcase on top of the bed. "wow" were all I could say; I felt funny having my Dad to even want me to watched over; it felt like that, more than Amy keeping me company through this awkward stage. 

"I bet you are surprised.. hope you're not feeling a little disappointed though."

"oh no,not at all.. in fact I feel better now that you're staying here with me, we both definitely need a friend to make this easy for us somehow." 

"I know right. and I don't think your dad was actually that worried." Amy then threw herself on the bed and lied down facing my side of the bed. 

"he was pretty confident, its just that he'll miss you."

"really? that what he said?" I was half hearted in believing that-- I mean just about an hour ago, he could not let go of me. 

"yeah he did.. just please get yourself out of trouble, or he'll surely lash out on me." 

I sighed; here we go again-- I would really appreciate it if Dad worried less about me being a misbehaved elitist-- cause no matter how much I engage on things he can't quite understand why a girl my age and type would do, I have never made it out with a bad name. Let's just say I'm the type who would not tag my family's name along with my misdemeanor. 

"please tell me you'll stay out of trouble?" Amy said. She mentioned it twice-- I guess she's dead serious about this-- I wonder what my Dad made her sniff. 

"I will. and if I would, I will surely tag you along." my phone rang just in time as I finish my suitcase. "...right on cue"

\---------------------------------------------------------------

"where are we going exactly?" Amy asked for the nth time as we walk around campus to meet someone.

"do you know how to ride a bicycle?" I asked her, turning around and taking a stop.

"uhm.. yeah.. what does that have to do with walking for 30 mins now?" she asked sarcastically. Can she blame me if she insisted in coming, when I told her she doesn't have to?

"I'm meeting a student who's selling bikes around this street." I said looking around for a familiar face; though I've only seen this guy on facebook yesterday when I looked up a bike seller who offers them on a cheap price. 

Amy and I walked along til we arrived at a coffee shop just around the corner of a crossing, and got in. So far, this place is giving me the good vibes (except for Jen), everyone seemed like they're in a good mood-- then again maybe it's just because of the beginning of the semester and everyone was feeling enthusiastic; freshman virus.

We got in the coffee shop, and the scent of the coffee covered every corner of the store; I'm not a big coffee fan, but I think I might get used to it-- my Dad said that I will learn to appreciate coffee and energy drinks during this phase. I believe he meant staying up for more than 24 hours for projects, but I'm looking forward to not having to do any of that.

"is the seller here yet?" Amy asked as I pull out a chair from a vacant table.

I straightened up and began looking around "he's a bald, bearded guy on a black Metallica shirt."

Amy looked around too, and pointed over to a guy on a bar stool right in front of the glass window. He was wearing a pair of headphones and was browsing through his tablet. I was feeling a bit hesitant cause I've never seen him in person so I'm not sure if it was him, I just went by what he described himself from his text and his facebook doesn't really have his face on it, just a bunch of links for the items he's selling.

"is that him?" Amy asked.

"I'm not sure."

"well, give him a call."

I pulled out my phone and gave him a ring, and with that, the guy Amy pointed out then moved and answered his phone.

"hi! I'm at the shop, are you the guy on the stool? right across me?"

he smiled as soon as he saw me, and waved at us. I waved back and hung up the phone as he move out from his table. He seem rather cool than I expected-- I was kind of thinking he was one of those geeky looking guys with no social life, but his buff physique and his rockstar looks are screaming "party animal".

"are you in a band?" Amy asked as soon as he approached us.

"hi I'm Hunter.. and yes I'm in a band." he said giving Amy a hand.

"I knew it! I'm Amy.. sorry if that didn't come out right.. I'm just kind of.. nevermind." Amy said, being all uneasy again; though she does seem nervous I can tell she's excited to meet new people.

"and you must be tegan?" he said, turning to me.

"yeah.." I said as we shake hands.

"nice to meet you." He said, flashing me his pearly whites.

"so, where's the bike?" I said, feeling rather bad about coming off rude and not telling him it was nice to meet him too.

"it's in my truck.. do you want to see it?"

I just nodded in excitement to his question, I really really wanted to get the bike so I can finally ride it around the campus. I choose te get around in a bike so I can save up gas money and exercise at the same time-- keeping it low profile. I've spent my whole life going around being chauffered, and I'm making the most out of this new found freedom.

We went to the parking lot and approached Hunter's black chevy pick up, and there I saw my custom made bike at the back of his truck. Hunter opened the back and climbed up the pick up to remove my bike from the secure stands. I was rubbing my hands together as I smile the whole time he was pulling it out.

"here's your baby.." Hunter said as he kick down the stand on my bike. "I used a white 612 track cranck and chain ring and guard, white hubs, stainless cogs, white pedals, red saddle, red grips just like what you requested."

"it's perfect." I said as I kneel down to observe the details on my new bike; it's so beautiful that I'm thinking of paying him more than what he charged me for; I just never expected it would turn out better. 

"that's 400" Hunter said.

I know it's kind of expensive, but for this kind of custom made bike with all those parts chosen individually, I'm getting it on a bargain.

"can I ride it around for a bit? I just want to make sure the gears and the breaks are in good condition" But still, I wanted to make sure I"m getting money's worth, so I rode the bicycle away, leaving Amy and Hunter together at the parking lot.


	6. Chapter 6

"Tegan wake the fuck up! we'll be late for orientation!" Amy shouted as she put on a shirt, while I forcefully wake myself up. It's 6 in the morning and orientation is in an hour-- good thing Amy is the kind of person who takes bath seriously. I checked my phone, and for the 2nd day in a row, Sara hasn't returned my messages. I must say that I'm proud of myself for not giving in to the temptation of embarrassing myself by calling her, but I'm really worried; I hope she's not mad at me for kissing her first.

"no luck?" Amy asked as she towel dry her hair.

"nah." I threw my phone back on my bed and headed over to the shower. I hate to start off my first day with a bad mood, so I'm going to keep myself busy today.

\------------------------------------------------

There aren't a lot of people from my highschool who got accepted to this university, luckily, Amy and I got in.. We did meet a few people from Highschool, not really the closest pals, but those really good kids we would recognize down the halls.

We entered the auditorium and got into our seats per degree, so Amy had to sit down with the rest of of the architecture department, while I sat in with a lot of casually dressed kids clutching their DSLRs and their tablets. I looked around and noticed that all these media students are equipped, and I'm not. I left my camera at our dorm and I don't really have anything with me but my smart phone-- classes don't start until tomorrow anyway so I'm not really banking on photos and videos yet.

"where's your camera?" This guy sitting beside me, wearing a denim polo, buttoned up to the neck, his sleeves folded up to his biceps, accentuated with a floral bowtie-- I don't really want to be judgemental, but I think he's gay-- and a really gorgeous one if you ask me; nudged his clear wayfarers and leaned closer.

"hey, you didn't get the memo did you?" he asked. I just shook my head.

"what memo?" I asked, feeling a little too stupid as I look around.

He smiled at me and removed the strap of his DSLR off his neck and handed them over to me.

"what is this for?"

"darling, it's for our homework in Intro to Mass Comm."

"what homework?"

he rolled his eyes, and leaned even closer for a whisper

"next time, make sure you read your university email, k?"

he then smiled and sat back. "oh and I'm Jeremy" he said, pulling out a high end compact digital camera out his bag.

"Tegan" I said handing my hands over to him; he took it without hesitation.

"I don't really know how to access my university email, I'm sorry" I said chuckling

"that's fine dear, I didn't know about it either until 3 hours ago."

"can you teach me?" I asked, sounding a little too dumb.

"you have an iphone?" I nodded. "good, download the app, launch it and click on retrieve id and password-- you'll get your log in info to your personal email"

that was pretty easy.. "thanks Jer.... can I call you that?" Jeremy grinned.

"that's what they call me at home! of course you call me that" he's so gay, and he's really cute; I like him already-- I'm pretty sure we will get along.

While I was in the middle of downloading the app, someone approached our seats. "uhh, excuse me, I was gone for 15 minutes and you already gave my seat away?" I looked up and saw this girl, hands over her hips and staring furiously at Jeremy.

"I'm sorry darling, this is Tegan.. Tegan this is Lindsey, my bestest best friend in the world."

"Not anymore." Lindsey said as she sit down beside me; I was about to offer a hand but she seem upset so I decided against it.

"do you want to switch places so you can sit next to Jer?" I asked nicely, feeling a little uneasy from this girl's attitude.

"that's fine, I don't want to sit down next to him now anyway" she sounded rather serious but she was smiling.

Lindsey took off her jacket, exposing her bare arms, filled with tattoos, and to top it off, she even pulled her brunette hair up in a bun. I was busy studying her that she was actually already staring back at me without me noticing.

"you have tattoos too?" she asked. I jerked, and shook my head to get back to consciousness after getting lost in space, staring at her-- I must say she's really my type.

"yeah.. I only have a few that you can see though, the rest are in parts I'd rather hide." I lied. I really don't have any other tattoos, apart from the one I had for Amy-- she wanted to get that tattoo, but she can't, so I had it done on me instead.

"I had a lot of hidden ones too, those my parents can't see.. but it's addicting, you know? I couldn't stop, so I had arm pieces done one by one, and they couldn't do anything about it." she said setting up her DSLr.

"I really wanted to get a full sleeve, but I"m gonna have to take it slow, or my Dad's gonna kill me."

Lindsey glanced at me and gave a short laugh and then peeked back on her viewfinder, doing some test shots.

"so, who's the professor who gave the assignment?" I asked her as soon as I finished downloading the app.

Lindsey looked back at me and hung her camera on around her neck.

"I did."

Oh shit.

Lindsey then stood up; "kids! gather round." she said, lifting her arm, signalling media freshmen to come over. I swear to God, I wanted to get eaten up by the ground, just what is it about surprises these days? I may have to get used to it, really. 

About an average of 40 people gathered on the seats below our row, looking up at us. "I'm sure you've all met my friend, and your Broadcast Writing professor, Jeremy Childs, he's going to be taking you around the campus after the orientation. For those who don't know me yet,"she glanced down at me and then threw her eyes back on the small crowd, "I'm your adviser, and your IMC professor, Lindsey Byrnes, We are an Almumni of UCLA and we graduated 4 years ago so that doesn't make me a lot older than anyone of you. call me lindsey, buscuit, Linds, LB, whatever you fancy, just don't call me Ma'am, or Miss" my hands are up on my face the whole time.

"that's fine, we always get mistaken for students-- we're that fresh" Jeremy whispered, I looked over to him and gave him a "WTF" face and smiled. He gave me a pat on the shoulder and pointed over to Lindsey, signalling me to listen to her.

"I hope you all read the assignment, for those who didn't, download the university email app on your mobile devices, and retrieve your IDs, it's pretty easy even my 5 years old sister can do it. for those who live under a rock, it's time to visit civilization and ask around. Carry on."

Lindsey then sat down as soon as the students dispersed.

"welcome to UCLA!" she greeted.

We shared a good laugh out of that-- I couldn't believe my first day, so far.

\------------------------------------------------

After the orientation and the University tour, and the photo walk, We all gathered up in a cafe just outside the university. I'm glad I bought a bike, cause apparently a lot of my batchmates are environment advocates, so if they're not using hybrids, their pedaling bikes.

I'm so glad it wasn't just me who was completely surprised about Lindsey and Jeremy being professors, and they are actually known for that reputation for 3 years now since they started teaching.

"so is professor Byrnes not joining us today?" I asked Jeremy as we fall in line to the register to pay order our coffee.

"Don't call her that when she's around, she's gonna flip. and no, she's a really busy person, she's always on her feet, juggling teaching and photography projects"

"I see.. you guys been friends since college?"

"well.." he hesitated. "yes, and No.." They both have very strong personalities, so they probably clash. "I used to hate her guts, and spunky spirit, and she finds me annoying cause I'm too gay to function, but we got along surprisingly on our junior years."

"I'll have an iced americano, grande" I called on the cashier, and handed over my starbucks card.

"make that two. and 2 cinammon swirls." jeremy added and gave his credit card to the cashier, "drink's on me, you can treat me next time" he said.

I smiled up at him and said "thanks!" he's surprisingly nice, I kinda wish he wasn't a professor because he's too cool and I wanna hangout with him and Lindsey more.

People started to leave one by one, but Jeremy and I were still there at the coffee shop, chatting it up. He's a really lively person, no dull moment, and he's very sensible-- I hope I'm not coming off like an ass kisser to him, but I really like his company so far.

"Oh! Lindsey's coming! she just got back from a sesh" he exclaimed as he check his phone.

"so.. Tegan.. what's your story?" he asked me as he put down his phone. I looked around for a bit, and at that moment, there weren't any other media students in the shop but me.

"well.. I'm.. an only child, it's just me and my dad now, we live in San Francisco, and I fancy older women."

Jeremy's eyes widened. "wow, It never crossed my mind! I thought you were straight. so that's why you stare like THAT on Lindsey."

I had my finger up on my lips asking him to tone his voice down. "do you like her?" he asked quietly.

I just let out a short silent laugh "she's my professor, I'm not supposed to look at her like that.. but yeah, she's my type. wait I'm not supposed to tell you that, am I?"

Jeremy just laughed at me, "you're fine, she won't mind!"

I was about to respond in the conversation, when my phone rang-- there goes my good day down the dump. "I have to take this.." I excused myself from Jeremy.

"hello?" I answered the call as I get out of the coffee shop. I don't really want Jeremy to hear any of my conversation if I had to say something that might tip him off.

_look out across the street_

I looked over the other side of the street, and saw Sara standing behind her car. My heart dropped; I honestly wanted to cry-- all this time when I saw her name on my phone I thought I was about to get an "I don't wanna see you again" from her, but here she is, about 20 feet away from me.

\---------------------------------------------------

"so you're off work today?" I asked as Sara took a sip off her cup. We were only a few tables away from Jeremy, and the coffee shop is almost empty, so I'm trying to keep my volume low.

"yeah.." she nodded as she put down her coffee on the table.

"how did you know I was here?" I asked her, kind of teasing.

Sara smiled and swept her bangs shyly; "well I asked Bob your dorm address, when I came there, Amy said you were out here, so.. here I am" Sara looked rather sad even if she was smiling. I'm starting to feel kinda guilty for probably causing her this, and I wish she's not upset.

"you didn't return my message." I asked her with all confidence-- I honestly still am nervous, but I'd rather sound stiff than needy.

"well.. I'm making up for it, can't you see?" Sara said, with her hands up, as if presenting herself to me.

There was a moment of silence-- I didn't know what to say.. I just smiled at her and then proceeded with playing with my mug handle.

"did you tell Amy about what happened that night?" she asked, out of the blue. God, I hope Amy didn't act weird when she saw her today.

"she saw you.. actually." I mean who wouldn't? How can she get away with straddling me in the middle of the night when there's someone else in the bed without waking them up? "she just didn't say anything, so when I got back to my room, she was already up, she asked me where I went. so I told her. she's my bestfriend, she's not gonna tell anyone."

"what did she say?" Sara asked, sounding like she was on a therapy.

"nothing.. she.. thought it was weird, she was surprised.. but she's fine with it."

Sara sighed, and was starting to get all fidgety as she look around.

"I'm sorry for what happened. I don't know what I was thinking, I just felt the need to... come up to you that night. It's a really strange feeling. I know you felt that too."

"yeah." I said, in a "matter of fact" tone.

Sara just bowed down, and just won't look right at me.

"I promise I won't do it again." she said.

"well next time you can just ask me. I'm not that hard to talk to." I was being cocky I know, I'm starting too think that was a little too much.

Sara shook her head. "you don't understand. we're doing any of it, anymore. that's the last of it." My smile faded, but I;m keeping my head up, no matter how disappointing that sounded. "we're cousins, we can't be attracted to eachother like that. it's... it's wrong." Sara's face curled up in disgust. I'm starting to feel embarrassed, but I don't want her t stay away from me like that, I want her to enjoy this feeling with me while it's there.

"I'm not asking you to be in a relationship with me" I said confidently. "I just.. I want to know you better, probably do things with you, maybe spend my days off laying with you in bed, cuddling and all that shit. you're my cousin I know. and I can only hope for that day to come. But I agree with you, it's wrong, and it cannot happen again." No I don't agree. I want more of her, I know it may be too quick for me to feel this way towards her since I just met her, but the kiss we shared was indeed something else-- there was something there, and I can't just stop myself from feeling like this towards her.

Reverse Psychology-- the wrong way to do it is to use it on a psychologist.

"come on Tegan.. really? do you agree?" she asked, making a face.

I can't let her get in my head.

"yeah I agree, and I don't want to. But it's what's right.. right?" I said. Sara smiled-- but I can definitely see the disappointment in her eyes.

"Right." Sara said.

"this doesn't mean we can't.. hang out, no?" I asked her, following up, just making sure she's not blocking me out.

"of course we can hang out.. we're family." she said, crossing her arms. "so how's college so far?" she asked, picking up her coffee.

"well.. it's orientation day, and I"m actually hanging out with my professor." I looked over to Jeremy on the other side of the shop, he has his earphones on, and reading a book. I then stood up "come on, I'll introduce you."

Sara and I went over the couch to join Jeremy; he then looked up at us and removed his earphones. "Jeremy this is my cousin Sara, Sara this is my Broadcast Writing prof, Jeremy."

"wow, beauty really runs in the family,huh? you look like sisters!" Jeremy said as Sara and I sat down.

"nah, you're too kind." Sara said, chuckling-- she's really not good in hiding feeling embarrassed over flattery-- she was blushing again-- and that sight just made me swoon over her again.

"so you go here to?" Jeremy asked.

"oh no, I'm a shrink. I'm visiting Tegan." Sara said as she clutch on her coffee to take a sip

"aww, that's so sweet.. but seriously you're a psychologist? how old are you? you could pass for a freshman!" well apparently, him and Lindsey too. I don't know what's with their generation that they all look like they were born yesterday.

"yeah, the let down here is that people don't really take me seriously until I open my mouth. I;m sure you get that too! I mean you don't look too old yourself!" Sara said, almost gagging on her coffee.

"thank you sweetie, yes, I get that all the time. Tegan here thought I was a freshman too, can you imagine?!" Jeremy teased, grabbing onto my shoulder and leaning on me.

They're obviously getting along, this is good-- at least Sara will have another friend to visit in here-- then I have more reason to invite her over for any event.

"oh Lindsey's here!" Jeremy exclaimed.

 _Holy Fuck_ Lindsey just got off a ducati; how bad ass and sexy is that?! I couldn't help but follow her with a stare as she get in the coffee shop. She was already sitting in front of me beside Sara, and I'm still staring.

"Is there something wrong, Quin?" I shook my head and swallowed.

"Sorry.. uhm, Sara this is Lindsey Byrnes, my intro to Mass Comm professor, this is my cousin Sara."

 _fuck it Tegan, you need to stop staring at her_ I'm kind of embarrassed, seeing Sara stare back at me, as I look at Lindsey like that.

"sorry I stared.. I... I love big bikes." I mumbled through my chuckle.

Lindsey just gave me an awkward smile, and shook her head, turning over to Sara to shake her hand.

"please don't call me ma'am, I'm sure I'm not that older than you."

"well I'm 33, I think I may be older than you." Sara chuckled as Lindsey's eyes widened, with a really interesting smile on her face.

"I'm only 26! oh my God, I thought you were a student here too! I am so sorry! you look so youg, I-----"

"I TOLD YOU!" Jeremy interrupted

Sara instantly hit it off with Linds and Jer, in fact, I think I'm already out of place after 5 mins since Lindsey sat in with us. After a few more hours of chatting and getting to know Sara, and a teeny tiny bit about me, we all decided to call it a day. I know no matter how interesting I may eb as a person, I'm pretty sure Lindsey and Jeremy still want to keep that boundary between a prof and a student. I don't really want to seem as if I'm kissing their ass, cause I'm pretty sure other students probably noticed that Jeremy and I have been oddly close since the orientation.

Jeremy left with Lindsey, while Sara drove me and my bike down to my dorm. 

"I like your professors, they're really fun and smart." Sara said, as she take a turn to our street.

"yeah they are.. though I really feel embarrassed about not knowing who they were."

"you know what I think that's why they like you too, cause you fell for their trap, I mean who doesn't want to be mistaken for someone years younger than their decade, right?"

she's right, I may have to end up as a teacher's pet.

"and by the way, I don't want you to get all cocky, but I can sense Lindsey's got a bit of a crush on you." there she goes again-- I never actually thought about that, and I'm sure SAra's playing on me, maybe to throw me off board? I don't know; she's being a mentalist again.

"you've got to be kidding." I said, in slight embarrassment and flattery.

"I'm not! I've been observing her gestures, and all the signals are just pointing towards an un-explainable awkwardness when she meets your eye, or when you talk. She's all tensed, you know?"

"oh that's my dorm, the black bricked building." I said as I point out where she can park.

Sara slowed down and turned on her hazzard; she then took a full stop and killed her engine.

I wanted to spend more time with her, and honestly I don't think I wanna ever leave her here. My mood obviously turned around upon realizing that it's time for me to get off the car. Sara was not moving, I can definitely tell she was feeling a little awkward too.

"so, you need help with your bike?" she asked,turning to me.

"uh no, I can manage" that was just wrong-- I mean, obviously she couldn't think of anything else to say, so she just asked if I needed help-- I don't; cause I'm pretty sure I'm a little more buff than she is-- she seems to fragile if you ask me.

"alright, just make sure you close out the grip properly so it won't go flapping around while I drive."

I chuckled; a little too forceful actually. This is not going well for both of us.

"drive safely.." I said

Sara just nodded, and we stared-- as if waiting for someone to make the first move to either open the car door and leave or lean in for a kiss. Should I go for it? should I just set aside everything we just talked about earlier and kiss her, even for the last time? no I don't want it to be the last time, I wanna kiss her over and over and over until we get sick of it. Am I not sick of this yet though? I mean she's my cousin, this practically abnormal.

_just kiss her now, if you do it quickly she won't have the time to say no._

I was about to throw myself over to Sara, but with all this world's luck on my shoulders, Sara made the first move; noticing her seatbelt still buckled I closed in on her too as I softly held her face closer to mine.

Her kiss wasn't as tender from the last time, she was a bit rough on me now;

_Jesus Christ, there goes my dry pants again_

I can tell Sara's been resisting me all this time, I can just feel it in the way she kiss me; her mouth not with a single hesitation and taking in every bit of my own-- as much of it as she could. Our tongues playing it around and wetting the sides of our lips; biting and sucking, every untouched inch.

I couldn't help it, and all I could think of was to feel her body. I slowly slipped my hands down to her neck, and onto her chest, caressing my way down to her breast.

"there's a better time and place for that babe, this is a really bad time" Sara said as she quickly pull away from my kiss while she grab on to my wandering hand.

"we can get inside if you want." I said, not moving an inch from her.

Sara shook her head and smiled. "not now.. I have somewhere else I need to be"

a little disappointed, I just nodded; "okay" I gave her one last peck, and wiped her lips dry. "does this mean you'll come visit me again?" I asked as I sit back.

"yes.. now get out my car." she commanded.

She may have sounded like a real snob, and a little too harsh in sending me away, but I find it sexy when women take control. There's something about the idea of an independent woman who knows exactly what she wants, knows how to take command and control, and will stop at nothing to get what she wants when she wants it. Sara comes off sweet, but there's definitely an animal inside her waiting to emerge-- I can tell simply by the way she kiss me, and that longing look in her eyes-- hungry for more of me.

"drive safely" I said as I open the door;

"will do.. goodnight" she said with a smile.

I closed the door and and ran over to the back to get my bike, and as soon as she heard the clasp click, she drove away, waving her hands from the window to bid me goodbye.


	7. Chapter 7

I got up to our room, right after I locked my bike outside, and with a wide smile on my face, I threw myself on the bed as I recall on my head what just happened. I could not believe Sara and I finally had an understanding-- I still may be confused and a little guilty, but I'm happy nevertheless.

This is nothing serious I told myself-- there's just no way in this world we can be together like real lovers, but while we're at it, I know ill definitely have a good time. I want to enjoy it as much as I can and don't want to complicate anything with Sara and I know she thinks the same.

"what happened to you? did Sara find you?" Amy asked.

I laid my arm behind my head as I lie down and look at Amy with an uncontrollable smile.

"oh my God, what happened?!" Amy ran over to me and sat at the corner of my bed as she frantically shake my legs.

"well.." I sat up "she arrived at the coffee shop while I was still there with Jeremy, but we got a separate table so we can talk for a bit."

"what did you talk about?"

"sort of about us, we agreed whatever happened in our house cannot happen again, and that it's wrong, but we can still hangout as famiy."

"WHAT?! then? what happened?" Amy looks like she's not buying my story.

"then LIndsey came, we all spent time talking and just drinking coffee, and eating cakes slices."

"oh my God, that's it?! then why are you so happy? you look like you just scored another kiss form Sara."

I cleared my throat; "actually I did"

Amy's eyes widened. "NO SHIT! how?! what kind of kiss?" she asked enthusiastically-- almost jumping off the bed.

I pursed my lips and just smiled to myself again as I remember how Sara's lips felt on mine;

"she drove me down here, and we were just saying our goodbyes, when all of a sudden, we.. just went for the kiss. she initiated." Amy's hands were covering her open mouth-- and I can totally see the excitement in her face. I'm so glad my bestfirned understands my situation, if it were someone else, they would have already been disgusted.

"are you guys gonna see eachother again?" she asked, putting her hands down.

"yeah, she said she'll visit."

"oh my God, what happens now? are you guys... a thing?" she asked, sounding a little worried this time.

"I guess.. I mean.. we surely have an understanding, I don't really wanna freak her out by talking about it again, when she clearly is on board the ship this time. It's not like I love her, I just.. I want her."

Amy just nodded and smiled; "I'm happy for you, just make sure you guys don't get caught." she then stood and went for her bed; "oh, and don't fall in love." she added, as she lie down

"I won't... she's my cousin. I just wanna bang her." I said, jokingly as I stand up to get my towel.

"you're a fucking animal, Tegan."

Seriously though, I don't know if I can stop myself from falling-- she's an amazing woman, and not to have her for myself is going to be a big let down. I'm keeping my guard, and this mask up-- I'll just be that animal who wants to fuck her own hot cousin for the sake of it; Sara can't hurt me, and I won't let her.

\--------------------------------------------------------

I was all cozied up in bed and ready to sleep when I received a text message from Sara.

"I miss you already, kid."

I miss you too, but no, I'm not a kid, babe.

"sure, you may need to prove that first, too bad." hmm, is she challenging me now?

oh you just wait, we'll get there.

"challenge accepted."

are you home yet?

"no, still on this dinner meeting. sleeping over a hotel tonight, too tired to drive back to SF"

you can sleep over here if you like. (please say yes please say yes)

"I can't, client's paying for it, I can't decline"

k then. be safe. xx

"I will. u too.. u have class tom?"

yeah, first class with Lindsey @ 7

"aren't you going to bed yet"

I'm already in bed.. been thinking of you.

"alright.. keep your hands to yourself, now." Ha! she read my mind.

No I'm not, I'd rather have the real thing. Can't wait to feel it til your next visit. (God, all these teasing is making me horny)

"wait on it sport, you don't know what you're getting yourself into."

is that a threat?

"no it's not.. just giving you a head's up. do cardio and resistance." it is definitely a threat.

lol thanks for the reminder, need to sign up for gym tom. before I forget.

"me on the other hand need to beef up, lost a lot of weight recently." 

that's fine, you're sexy as you are.

"that's sweet, you've been checking me out since day one?"

yeah.

"perv"

maybe I am.

"you need to sleep, kiddo."

I'm not a kid..goodnight.. ill see you soon. xo

"see you soon dear.. goodnight"

I still couldn't believe I'm having this conversation with Sara.. I'm this close to getting to know her more, and I still wanted to talk, but I still have a class and Lindsey's not gonna appreciate if I come late, so for tonight, I'm sleeping early, thankfully, with a smile on my face.

\--------------------------------------------------------

"you're late, Quin." thanks for the Welcome. "we saved you a seat right by the Isle on the 3rd row."

I just gave her a shy smile as I take my seat beside a guy with a name tent that say "jake"

"hi, here's your handout" 'Jake' handed me over a thick pile of photocopied sheets.

"thanks!" I said as I get the handouts. I read through it and noticed that it was actually from one of the books that I recently downloaded to my iPad before the start of term. "oh you know what, I already have it on pdf." I told jake.

he then leaned closer to me and whispered "Lindsey actually discourages the use of gadgets inside her class, so she photocopied them in her expense. so.. there."

oh great. "oh.. okay.. thanks for telling me that."

"no worries.. I'm jake" _You don't say._ I shook his hands and almost laughed.

"yeah, saw your name tent.. I'm Tegan.. nice meeting you."

Jake's smile faded. "oh.. you're.. right." he then just slowly took his hands back and turned back to his hand outs on top of the desk.

What the fuck was that?

Seeing that this guy might have been tipped off by my name for some reason, I just pulled out my glasses and started listening to Lindsey's lecture.

\--------------------------------------------------------

"I don't get it, when I told him my name, his mood just shifted, it's as if I'm like a disease of some sort."

Jeremy rolled his eyes as we leave his office. "look, sweetie, I guess word got out that you hung out with me and Linds even after everyone left, so you're now a teacher's pet. you're a threat to them. I hate to admit it, but Lindsey and I, we like you! not only because you fell for our little prank, but compared to all the other kids on your batch, you're the only one who didn't mention anything about getting employed to a big shot PR or AD agency on their application." Jeremy said in a rather hushed voice, and his eyes roaming around.

I kind of understand what he's talking about-- I think it's clear that despite everyone else in my class being achievers, it is still important that you're here for the experience, and the knowledge, not just so you can put something impressive in your CV when you apply for a coffee making position in Leo Burnett.

"and considering your family's connection? Jesus Christ, you don't need to go to UCLA, your dad can just simply write a letter and you're in for the kill, darling. But you're here!" We then reached the parking lot, and started to unlock our bikes.

"but do you think it's a good idea to maybe.. not hang out with you guys while inside university premises?"

Jeremy rolled his eyes again; "look, do whatever you want, don't let jealous people get in your way of making memories with your friends. but it's all up to you!"

"will you guys be mad at me if I do that?" I said as I tightened the straps of my back pack.

"of course not.. I understand, but I'd prefer an open friendship" I think that's his way of saying 'no it's not okay'

I just chuckled-- I mean I couldn't care less what these people have to say, I'm friends with people I get along with and share a common interest and common attraction-- not because others think they're the right group of friends for me.

\--------------------------------------------------------

After having lunch with Jeremy, Lindsey (who scolded me over lunch for being late) and Amy, I went over to the university gym to sign up for a program. Upon entering the premises, I noticed Jen behind the counter of the reception, talking to the receptionist. She was wearing a sport's bra ans a really tight pair of spanky pants-- same thing she was wearing the first time I met her except she was wearing gym shorts then-- I honestly think I'd never see her in normal clothes without showing that much skin.

"hi, I'm here to sign up for a fitness program?" I told the other receptionist.

"ID please?"

I handed over my ID, watching Jen through my peripherals waiting for her to finish talking so I can at least greet her for courtesy, though I wish I didn't have to, but I have to or she might evict me.

"hey there!" She finally noticed me.

"hi!" I said, awkwardly raising a hand to wave at her.

"what's up? you here for the fitness program?" no, I'm here to bake some pie.

"Yeah" I said as the receptionist hand me over a clipboard and an application form.

"just fill everything out and give it back when you're done." the receptionist said.

"come on let's take a seat here" Jen led me to the couch. "alright so, let me explain to you the program first before you sign anything." what the fuck is she doing?

"are you a trainer here or something?" I asked her as we take a seat.

"yup! it's part of my practicals for my 4th year in Physical Therapy" oh great. "so, anyway, uhm, the service is free for all students, but you have to religiously follow the plan. your BMI will be taken regularly, so we'll also do that today after your application." WHY IS SHE DOING THIS ORIENTATION?! is she going to be my trainer?! I hope not.

"after the BMI results, that's when we will determine the program suited for you, depending on your fitness goal."

"well I'm not really trying to get that buff, I just want to tone my muscles and lose some baby fat."

"yeah I think you're actually fit for your age and height but the love handles and your humongous boobs are killing me. Puberty did you justice with that, but they lack perkiness-- don't worry we'll work on that." Wow, so all this time she's been observing me.

"we will also be plotting a training schedule for you depending on the open slots and your schedule of the registration form. do you have it?"

I just nodded as I fill out the application form.

"good, I'll wait for you in the PT room" Jen then left, and entered the glass door leading to the gym.

Do I really have to do this now? I honestly wanted to back out, and I don't know if she'd take me seriously, or if she'll give me a hard time.

I finished filling out the form, and was asked by the reception to enter the gym and lok for the PT room door on my right. I found the room easily and got in-- there was Jen waiting at the weighing scale.

"ready?" she asked as I close the door back and lock it. 

"yeah"

"alright, remove your clothes and shoes, but keep your underwear on" What?

"excuse me?" I asked, crossing my arms in slight embarrassment.

"your measurements need to be accurate, Tegan. strip down, or I'll do it for you." I swallowed-- I don't really feel comfortable showing a lot of skin-- especially my thin, pale legs, but what more the rest of my friggin body?!

much against my will, but being left with no other choice, I removed my bag and started stripping down.

"hurry up, we don't have all day" Jen said, this time, crossing her arms and staring me down.

"do you.. mind turning around?" I asked nicely as I start to unbutton my pants.

Jen shook her head, then turned around anyway.

I rolled my eyes and quickly removed my clothes one by one. I swear I wanted to cry from disbelief-- I was cursing her from head to toe inside my head, and I've been meaning to just run out of that room.

"done." I said as I put my clothes neatly on top of the chair.

Jen turned around and smiled at me-- still staring me down. Like what you're seeing?

"alright, get on the scale." I then walked up on the scale, and waited til she asked me to get off. Upon finishing up with my weight she measured my height, then after she measured the body fat, she measured my breast, my waist line, my hips, my thighs, calves biceps and triceps. The whole time, I was having goosebumps as the tape measure touch different parts of my body, and Jen would just chuckle and tell me off. It was really embarrassing; I honestly don' know how I'd interact with her after this--she's practically seen almost every inch of my body.

"alright we're done. go get dressed." Jen said as she dim out the lights and leave the room.

I feel harassed.

After I dressed up, I went back out to the reception to get my results.

"I haven't plotted your schedule yet, it might take time, so if you want, I can just give it to you when we get back to the dorm since you have a class in 20 minutes." Jen said as she approach me from the room behind the reception; this time she's already wearing a pair of sweatpants.

"sure." I said bluntly, fixing the straps of my back pack.

I then, without a word, turned around and walked for the exit.

"See you later tegan!" Jen said. I just waved a hand without looking back.


	8. Chapter 8

SARA

"I don't know if I can still manage to get through this alone. I'm really really scared. I know it's only been a month and I should get used to it by now, but I terribly miss my girl."

Bob was crying again during his session, for 3 weeks in a row; it's quite 'okay' per se, that the grief of losing Sonia has subsided and he has obviously accepted his wife's fate-- but now that Tegan is off to college, it's as if he's back to square one.

"uh hmm.. when was the last time you talked to Tegan?"

"well.." Bob wiped his tears dry, and started fidgetting; I'm guessing he hasn't called her yet. "it's been 3 weeks?"

I Knew it. As I was scribbling down this detail, Bob Sat up and faced me.

"I don't want to call her and seem like one of those "loser dads" who couldn't get a grip" well, he's being one, but I can see he really takes into consideration the way Tegan sees him as a Father.

"but not speaking to your daughter for 3 weeks now, seems a little too long. keep in mind that it's her first year in college; she needs guidance from you too."

Not only does it feel awkward that I'm telling off a parent on how to give supervision to their 18 year old daughter, but it also feels a little too uneasy for me to talk about Tegan without ever thinking of how I find her extremely attractive-- it's really distracting.

"Honestly I think she doesn't need me." Self pity? really now?

"she's probably busy, it's college.. we've all been there."

Bob nodded and pursed his lips. "do you wanna call her now?" I asked him "do you have a copy of her class schedule?" I had to ask him, though I know beforehand that Tegan is on a restday today.

Bob looked up at me and gave me a nervous stare. "I do.."

"does she have a class now?"

Bob then put his smart phone out; he tapped and scrolled for a few times and said "oh, look at that it's actually ehr rest day."

"well.. what are you waiting for? call her."

"now?"

"yes."

Bob sighed and scratched his head lightly. "mind if we put her on speaker?" I asked him without hesitation.

"sure.. maybe you can help me out." I nodded and smiled as he rang Tegan up; and she picked up immediately.

 _"DAD!"_ Bob and I looked at eachother, and he gave out an awkward smile before he spoke

"Hi tee" Bob sounded rather nervous

_"Oh my God I missed you!, how are things back home?" ___

__"everything's good, but everyone misses you. how are you?"_ _

___"Im super busy with projects, you won't believe it."_ _ _

__"tell me about it, my first term in college was a nightmare." Nope, not a right way to encourage your daughter to stay in college. I shook my head and started writing down pointers for Bob._ _

___"yeah? I'm sure it was harder in your days dad, duh, you don't have computers."_ Bob and I just laughed quietly at it, Tegan was definitely right._ _

__"I know. geez. are your professors giving you a hard time?"_ _

___"well, not really, but my batchmates are a bunch of overachievers, they're really hard tog et along with, but I've got good company"_ _ _

__Bob chuckled-- pretty sure he's thinking of Amy's surprise to Tegan._ _

__"So you're having a great time with Amy there, so far?"_ _

___"yeah! I don't know what I'd do without her. thanks for helping her get a spot on the dorm, really that was a big weight lifted off my shoulders."_ _ _

__I then slipped my notebook over the arm rest, telling him to ask Tegan if she's seeing someone. Much to my benefit, actually._ _

__"so, uhm.. are you dating anyone? or you fancy someone?"_ _

___"what the heck Dad."_ _ _

__"tegan? answer my question.." bob asked, teasing._ _

__Tegan chuckled on the line, and I can't help but give off a hushed laugh, myself._ _

___"see Dad, I need to talk to you about that, but I'd rather talk to you in person."_ _ _

__Both our smiles faded; I'm pretty sure Bob's got a lot going on in his mind right now-- I on the other hand is concerned if Tegan is finally coming out to her Dad; we had an agreement that no one in the family must know about our little "affair", so I don't see any other thing Tegan would want to say to her Dad personally, other than admitting she's gay._ _

__"sure, you're not... pregnant are you?" I almost fell off my seat._ _

___"DAD! com on. ____ _

___"I'm sorry.. I .." Bob sighed "you're making me nervous, are you okay? did you break up with your boyrfriend or what?"_ _ _

____Dad.. I'm not pregnant and I don't have a boyfriend, okay? there's just something really important that I need to say.._ _ _ _

___"okay.. so.. when's the best time? I'm afraid I can't come today, I have a bunch of errands for the business."_ _ _

____"uhm.. that's totally fine, I also have a few stuff to take care of, next week maybe? sameday?"_ _ _ _

___"sure, that's a date, I'll pick you up lunch time."_ _ _

____"alright.. and Dad, please text me back? I've been sending you messages through what'sapp, but you're not responding._ _ _ _

___"what's what?" Oh geez, Bob._ _ _

____"what's app. remember I helped you set it up so we can send messages and save on credits? Dad, come on."_ I almopst laughed-- but I just shook my head and smiled; while Bob palmed his face in embarrassment._ _ _

___"I totally forgot dear, I am so sorry.. Don't worry, I'll.. I'll get to it."_ _ _

___Tegan just laughed at her Dad's little booboo moment_ _ _

____I love oyu Dad, text me.. I'll see you next week._ _ _ _

___"see you sport.. I love you too..bye"_ _ _

___Bob ended the call and we both just let loose and sigh in relief. "that wasn't so hard was it?"_ _ _

___Bob shook his head again; "geez, I feel so embarrassed, all this time I thought she's completely ignored me."_ _ _

___Tegan never mentioned anything about this though -- so it's also a good thing to know she didn't forget about him after all._ _ _

___\---------------------------------------------------------------------------_ _ _

___Bob's therapy session today was the most productive so far, I hope this will carry on til we finish all his sessions; however he left my clinic with a smile today, I on the other hand kind of wished I didn't have to leave my clinic._ _ _

___I checked my phone and as I rode my car, I received a text from Tegan, telling me she misses me and that she wants to see me today. I wish I could drive all the way down there, and I miss her too and I havent seen her since she introduced Lindsey and Jeremy to me, but I have a lot of mending and fixing to to do myself. With a heavy heart I had to tell her AGAIN that I can't._ _ _

___I could just imagine the disappointment on her face this minute, but I had no choice anyway. Much as I want to see her and hold her, but there are things I have to take care first, before I become comfortable with this set up._ _ _

___I took my time, and drove as slowly as possible towards a coffee shop at downtown San Francisco._ _ _

___\---------------------------------------------------------------------------_ _ _

___"you're late" Emy greeted as I sit down with her at a table in the innermost corner of the coffeeshop._ _ _

___"did you bring the papers?" I asked her bluntly, ignoring her arms that attempted to give me an ambrace._ _ _

___Emy sighed and just went for her bag. She quickly put out her file case and opened it--then gave me the folder with the paperworks I needed._ _ _

___"Sara, look.." Emy leaned in closer-- I'm keeping disposition and I'm not moving an inch closer to her-- I just wanted to get this over with. "We don't need to go through this." She said, in an obviously sad voice. I cleared my throat and started surveying the papers one by one, ignoring what she just said._ _ _

___Non disclosure agreement; signed. Lease termination; signed. Property papers; signed, and lastly, the divorce papers-- also signed._ _ _

___"My attourney will call you in a few days." I said as I fix the papers back on the file case. Emy just sat there, looking at me, looking all nervous-- she's definitely here to make ammends, and I'm sure she won't let me leave without getting what she wants; but I'm totally going to ignore it-- I can't have any of this anymore._ _ _

___"Sara.. I signed them because you wanted me to. Not because I want you out of my life." Emy reached out for my hands, but I quickly pulled them away and hid them under the coffee table._ _ _

___"Sara.. please? let's not do this." she said, almost in tears, while I'm trying my hardest to avoid looking at her. I don't like seeing her like this-- I just couldn't resist her when I see how much she's hurting from all of this because of me._ _ _

___"Emily, either way, if you sign the papers or not, the divorce will push through; besides, you signing the papers makes it officially over."_ _ _

___"what now, is that a test?" Emy sat back and brushed her hair up with her hands. "is this one of your mind games?! Sara, you need to stop playing with people's heads, I'm not one of your crazy, pathetic patients." She said in an angry, but hushed voice._ _ _

___"it's not a test. I wanted you to sign the papers, I'm just pointing out that even though you do as I say and you make things up to me, that will not change the fact that you strayed from our relationship and you cheated on me, not just once mind you-- so no matter how many times you redeem yourself, I will not take you back. NEVER.. and don't call my clients crazy and pathetic-- at least they are brave enough to admit there's something wrong about them and are willing to get better." that was harsh, I know, but that's what she deserves._ _ _

___For the last 8 years of being in a relationship with her, Emy was all I could ever hope for. She was a good wife, she provides me well, she's very successful, and independent. But all that has taken its toll on me-- I was under her control all the time, my self esteem was on an all time low, and she's cheated a few times, but in fear of being in a failed relationship, I had to save my ass from the humiliation. It wasn't until this year that I finally came to my senses and leave Montreal and file for divorce; I put up my own facility from what little money I have left, and start anew--somewhere closer to the other side of my Family. I just had to stay away from that part of my Family that loved Emy, and wanted me to take her back-- the last thing I want to do is to have to tell them what Emy did to me-- I had to take a risk and take the blame of being an unsatisfied partner, who just wanted more career growth, away from her loving wife who just won't support her._ _ _

___Emy tried to win me back-- she really did-- but it's just not enough to convince me that she's going to be a better person. Once you've had enough of all the bullshit, there's just no way you can indulge over the same feeling of love that used to be so good; but being that ours was never good in the first place, I can't even tell if I was even in my happiest when we married. I was happy that I have her, because she was all that I ever wanted and I was obsessed with the idea of her perfection; even knowing that she's got a monster under that beautiful facade, I was too confident adn I had so much faith in our love-- that it could change her._ _ _

___Looking at Emy right now, I can't even tell if she's really sincere. She's got her freedom, she can do whatever she wants without having to feel guilty about it, I don't know what else she needs from me._ _ _

___"Let's star over please.. I need you Sara."_ _ _

___"really, you need me? for what? to boost your ego? God, you have a lot of girls lining up at your door just to be your trophy wife, why don't you go back to Canada, dress those bitches up and marry the fuck out of them?"_ _ _

___Emy scoffed and shook her head. "I don't need those girls, Sara. I want to be with my wife. I love you."_ _ _

___That's it; I just couldn't take anymore of this crap. I stood up and gathered the file case, I approached her and closed in for a whisper; "news flash" I said as I quickly remove my wedding ring. "you don't have a wife anymore." I straightened up; showing her as I drop the ring on the floor._ _ _


	9. Chapter 9

TEGAN

It's 5 o'clock and Sara hasn't returned my messages yet-- she did say she's going to be terribly busy today, but I kinda wish she'd check up on me. We've been constantly communicating on a regular basis, a bit of smut on a few days, but most of the time, serious conversations about school and her work-- none about Dad though-- I'm pretty sure she's not allowed to disclose any of that to me. Dad did call me today, which was really surprising cause it's as if he totally forgot about me-- though he did admit he's forgotten about how we agreed to used 'what's app' for messaging to save on credits. Parents

I was on the floor on our dorm room, lying down on my mat after a quick home session of yoga; Jen advised me to still do some even if I was at the dorm so my body won't go stagnant on the work out. She's been really rough on me on my first 2 weeks, just a lot of extensive work outs but even though my body's been aching, I'm growing familiar with the feeling.

I was just about to get up and take a shower when someone knocked on my door

"Who is it?" I called out as I take my towel from the rack.

The person behind the door didn't answer, but just knocked even louder; what the fuck, so I just went and opened it.

"what do you nee---"

Sara was on my door step-- her eyes red and swollen; as if she just finished crying.

"Oh my God, what happened?" I asked her as I throw myself at her and embrace her; I missed her so bad but this isn't how I wanted to feel when I see her again.

"we need to talk." Sara said, slipping her arms around my waist and embracing me back.

I was surprised that Sara drove all the way down to my dorm just to talk-- she said she was busy and I didn't actually expect her to get out of her way, unless there's something going on. Judging by the way she came up to me, there's obviously something wrong about her. I immediately closed the door back as Sara and I moved a little closer inside my room while she was still holding on to me, while I was still in slight shock.

I'm kind of uneasy cause I just finished working out and I'm all wet from the sweat, and Sara's arms are wrapped around me and her face dumped on the arch of my neck. I wanted to pull away, but she didn't mind, so I just held her tighter-- I still feel awkward to her touch to this day; she still has that same effect on me even after getting used to the idea of having her around, may not be physically at all times, but her presence in our constant messages really made a lot of difference.

Sara kept crying, and I didn't bother to ask her why; I just allowed her to let it all out, and cry until she feels tired of it.

"Tegan" she called, choking.

"yeah?"

"I'm sorry for coming up to you like this"

"that's fine.. you're.. always welcome to come to me whenever you feel like it"

Sara held on tighter and sobbed even harder.

"I am just so mad, and so hurt right now, I don't know where else to go."

I just sighed as I rub circles on her back-- I don't know what the problem was, and I'm dying to know what's going on, cause it's scaring me.

"do you want some water?" I asked her. Sara then pulled away, her face red and wet from all her tears, and red from crying; she wiped her cheeks dry and just smiled at me as she nod to my question, so I quickly, I went over to our personal fridge and got her my tumbler.

Sara slowly drank up the water and started calming down, though she was still slightly trembling from all the crying.

"feeling better?" I asked awkwardly-- I really hope I won't screw up and make her regret that she ran to me for comfort.

"thank you.." sara said as she hand the tumbelr over. She didn't answer my question, so I'm guessing the answer's no, and she's just too careful not to offend me because of my effort.

"alright, I'll just take a quick shower, and then we'll talk, if that's okay?" I asked her carefully, not wanting to seem like I didn't care. "do you need anything though? would you like to change into something more comfortable? or a cup of coffee? did you eat already?"

Sara smiled at me again, her eyes still glistening; "A big shirt and a pair of boxers will be fine... and yeah, I'd love that coffee." she said as she sit on my bed.

My mind is running wild, and I couldn't think straight. I'm just so excited about Sara being here, that I don't which to do first. I opened my closet and got her one of my lose shirts and a pair of short boxers-- intentionally picking the skimpiest one of the bunch-- It's about time I see those sexy legs in its real skin.

"I'll just start up the coffee maker." I said as I hand them over to Sara.

"alright, make it fast, I don't really wanna be alone." she said as she unfold the shirt without looking up.

"ok, ill be back in a minute" I said, as I head on for the door.

\---------------------------------------------------------

I was panting the whole time I was walking down to the kitchen, I was literally shaking, and all I wanna do is just take a warm shower to lose this tension. I decided to wait for the coffee to finish brewing before I get back up to my room; I couldn't wait to finally be alone with Sara and having to go back down again to get the coffee will be a little bit of a hassle for me.

I carefully walked up the stairs and headed to my dorm room; I had to call Sara from outside so she can open the door for me, but when I reached the door, it was already open. I slowly pushed the door with my feet, and saw Amy sitting on my bed with Sara. The fuck? I thought she had a date? I felt a bit disappointed that Amy was there--leaving me and Sara no privacy, but I was quickly struck by how Sara looked like in my clothes. 

"Hi Tee!" Amy greeted as I enter our dorm room.

I just sent her a smile as I put down the cups on my desk, right beside my laptop. I couldn't help myself from looking at Sara, that I almost tripped and spilled the coffee. 

"I thought you had a date?" I asked Amy as I pull out a paperfoam from my drawer-- and still avoiding glances on Sara-- I don't want her to feel uncomfortable.

"I was just telling Sara that. I just got back to get my wallet-- I kind of forgot that I left it on my other bag when I was already at the plaza." Amy said as she stood up, and get her jacket from the top of her bed. 

"who are you meeting anyway?" I asked as I sit on my office chair-- I'm also starting to feel a little too sticky from the humid air and had to turn up the conditioner.

"uhm.. Hunter." I almost fell from my seat; but why am I not surprised.

"well.. goodluck with that." After securing the mugs on the paperfoam, I grabbed my towel again and excused myself for the bathroom. "you know the guy's a player, just make sure you ditch him before he ditches you." he apparently has a reputation for dating too many women at once-- it really pays to have really popular students and gossip catchers for a dorm mate. 

"sara, tell her the guy needs a chance, come on." Amy said, trying to get support from Sara who was just sitting on my bed, legs crossed, and forcing herself not to laugh as she obviously enjoys observing us. 

"yeah, she's right. and besides, Amy's not gonna take this seriously right away, am I right?" Sara asked as she cross her arms and smile at Amy.

"damn right, he's not gonna get under my pants till he writes a song about me."

"we're song writers too Amy, and I'm pretty sure he's got a lot of stock lyrics, a hundred more than what we have, unreleased and sealed on our basement safe. He apparently might have chosen which one he'll show you, just to get you under his sheets." Amy just stared at me in disbelief from my disregard for Hunter.

"come on Tegan. Really? you're telling me this now, minutes before my date?" Amy doesn;t look too pleased. "unbelivable" 

Before I can even defend myself, Amy already walked away from us.

"Amy! hey, I didn't mean it like that I'm sor----" she slammed the door shut, leaving me and Sara worried by her rage. "she'll come around when this guy dumps her." I said as I turn to Sara. 

"don't say that, you guys barely know this Hunter, and Amy said that all you've heard were rumors, so give him a chance.. Amy might be who he just needed."

that's completely ridiculous; I know Sara was just being positive and supportive of it, but Hunter's a senior. Seniors will only be interested in freshmen for 2 reasons-- if they're a good catch for an org, or if they need a fresh face to cling onto their arms--in which Amy is overqualified for both. My bestfriend may be awkward and a bit prude at times, but she's a hot mess, and I can't let any guy take advantage of her.

"Amy's a smart girl, I'm pretty sure she knows what to do." Sara added. I don't really wanna argue so I just said "yeah.. you're right."

She's not even my girlfriend but I'm already being submissive-- and I like it. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I finished my shower in a breeze, but I was stuck inside the bathroom, wrapped in my towel. I didn't know if I'm supposed to get out there with only a piece of towel to cover me up-- I found it too awkward since this will only be the third time we're spending time together, but at the same time I felt that I should be comfortable with her if I really didn't find any of our attraction, malicious-- although it is, in a way-- but I want to keep it casual. After spending 10 more minutes inside the bathroom, replaying in my head the scenes I've planned out when I open the door, I then went out.

I was welcomed by the sight of Sara, lying on my bed and reading a book, one that she might have brought with her. 

"Can I use your bathroom while you dress up?" she asked, smiling at me, her eyes roaming around the bare parts of my body, making me feel a little more uneasy than I already am. But I couldn't be anymore relieved than to hear what Sara just said. 

I dressed up as quickly as I can once Sara got in the bathroom, and I was caught in a little dilemma of what I was going to wear. Of all things I'd reveal to her today, I hope she doesn't figure out that i dress like a complete hobo when I'm at my dorm.

I was so nervous, that I had to put my hair up in a bun just so it doesn't bother me while I fix myself til Sara comes out. I don't usually tie my hair up, and I honestly hate my long hair though I usually just keep it down; I may have to cut it all off one day-- maybe when I come out to Dad, I can finally shave this head-- well, that is if he doesn't mind me being gay.

I ransacked my closet and chose the safest ensemble I can get into; a pair of boxers and a tank top that I had to admit was a bit loose on me already, with this I can definitely tell that my work out is paying off-- I guess Jen's strict policies and extensive workout is really effective.

okay, that looks fine.. I guess I thought to myself as I look at myself in the mirror.

I exhaled, trying to calm myself down, while the bathroom door clicked. "you're fully clothed now are you?" Sara asked from inside.

"Yes, I am. Unless you want them off, I can totally get naked again." What the fuck are you saying? that's just wrong.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SARA

Tegan's answer sent chills down my spine; she's obviously teasing, and I'm totally falling for it-- But I can't. I'm here today to set the record straight and make sure she knows where she stands. I can't let us get into something, not only fairly risky for our family, but also a great risk on my own emotions, and the last thing I wanted to happen was to hurt her, or for me to get hurt yet again.

I twisted the knob, and slowly opened the bathroom door as I immediately find tegan around the room. She was just there on her desk, going through her emails, luckily she wasn't waiting on her bed naked like I imagined. I hope she doesn't find me uninterested, oh the things I'd love to do to her, they're very far from my passive facade, and Tegan is looking past that, which I didn't expect for a girl her age. She may be young, but she's got a heart and the smarts of an adult, and I find that no less than attractive.

"hey.." I greeted her as I sat down on her bed. I was a bit at loss for words, seeing her in her comfortable clothes. She was wearing a rather loose, black tanktop that exposes more than it should, and with her hair up in a bun, I'm seeing for the first time how awfully beautiful she really is, with her face free from all the hair on her head.

"you love d the coffee, I must say." she said as she survey my empty mug beside her laptop.

"yeah, I love coffee in general, but yeah this one you made was made with just the right strength I love." I said as I cross my legs.

"so.." Tegan turned her office chair on me and dragged it near the bed. "what is it you want to talk about?" she asked as she stop the chair right in front of me.

"Oh that.." I sighed-- I didn't know how to start, and how to say it without offending her. "first of all, I want you to know that whatever this is that we have.. I wanted it." Tegan just nodded as she put her feet up her chair and wrap her arms around her knees.

"Earlier today after your Dad's therapy, I met up with wife." Now that sent Tegan down to a different mood, her posture became tensed, and I noticed how her she gave a little shudder from what she heard.

"but I left here there, bringing with me our divorce papers that she just signed." I added up, right away before she can even say anything.

"that's.. a good thing I suppose?" Tegan said, rather relaxed this time.

I nodded. "but when I left, surprisingly, while I was happy about getting away, I still feel angry, and.. sad."

I couldn't believe that I"m coming to her for this-- normally I'd talk to my other psychologist friends, but I feel like Tegan, not knowing who Emy was, will not judge her like they did.

"well.. I hope you don't mind me asking, but.. what happened?" Tegan asked me, as I expected.

I sighed before I started speaking-- I know ths is going to be a long story to tell, but I'm gonna try to keep it short.

"Her name is Emily, she's a surgeon. I met her in college, and she was basically the only girl I loved since then, and was the only person I allowed to hurt me over and over."

Tegan's face was blank, she was listening to me all ears, but her head is obviously overflowing in questions right now, I can tell.

"so she was THAT girl you were talking about? the one you broke up with while you were taking your BS degree?" good recall.

"yeah, that's her. we were friends, until we decided to start dating again after I finished medschool. We got married after 4 years and, 2 years later here we are.. finally going our separate ways. for good I hope."

Tegan frowned, I know she's getting all confused on this.

"why did you leave?" she asked, still sitting still on her office chair.

"she wasn't good for me anymore. I was practically a slave in that relationship. I almost threw my career down the trash, just so I can be a housewife; but I didn't expect, that I would literally be staying in the house the whole time, waiting for her to come home late every night only to find out that she was out with different women. When I found out, I didn't actually confronted her about it, instead, I let it pass and.. just... sort of accepted my fate. When I got back to practicing, we fought almost everyday about the smallest things, we weren't even having sex anymore. We became, more like borders on our own house instead of being a happily married gay couple. I wasn't happy with her at all, not even from the beginning, but I loved her.. more than anything else and I thought love can change her.. but it didn't."

Tegan was just taking it all, she didn't interrupt and she just listened carefully to my sentiment; she's a better therapist than I am.

"wow.. I'm sorry to hear all this. I didn't.. I never, expected that your past relationship was that complicated." she said.

"actually it's not complicated at all.. Everything was simply just not in the right place, I knew, but.. I was stubborn, but being hopeless was not in my vocabulary, I had faith in her, you know?" I said.

Tegan smiled; "yeah.. I know how that feels." she just bowed down, I'm sure she is again reminded of Aunt Sonia. It is really, very unfortunate for anyone to lose a mother who couldn't find any other solution from hopelessness, but to end their own life. The regret haunted Bob for years, and upto this day, he could not forgive himself for causing it. Tegan never talked about her mom outside therapy, and I know that this isn't exactly a good idea to bring it up as well.

"so I got myself out of it instead, I mean I can't spend the rest of my life being like that so I had to cut the bond. It wasn't easy I must say, but I'm getting somewhere."

Tegan relaxed a bit, and let her feet down the floor as she join me in bed. Tegan held my hand as she sit beside me, while I rested my head on her shoulder. I can't believe the amount of comfort she brings me-- it's like, her mere presence alone, is enough to keep me from going crazy-- she's my safe zone, and I'd love to keep it this way until God knows when.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

TEGAN

Sara's caught me by surprise once again-- I didn't know that she was going through anything like this, let alone did I know she was even married. I don't know how else to comfort her without looking like I'm taking advantage, but maybe as a cousin, I can stand by her.

"I left Canada so I can stay away from everyone and everything that reminded me of her, but she ran after me here, and that's what I'm just mad about. She's trying to win me back, after she almost completely forgot she even had a wife" Sara said pushing herself closer beside me, our hands pressed tight on eachother, and with Sara's grip being surprisingly firm and unchanging, I can feel how scared and mad she is-- I could fully understand why she ran over here for this, but I'm still confused why she came all the way here.

"tegan?" she called.

"yeah?" I said turning to her.

"I don't want us to be like that." now THAT, I didn't expect to come from her.>

"what do you mean?" I asked, feeling more confused than I already am.

Sara sat up, and raised her legs up on the bed and sat with legs crossed; seeing her slender legs move through my sheets was bringing my head back to places it's not supposed to be travelling through. I was distracted by her flawless skin and how perfectly those legs compliment the rest of her body-- I wanted to touch them, I wanna know if they're as tender and smooth as I imagined them-- but I had to set that thought aside for now. Sara moved closer, and I did too, bringing our legs to touch--when I thought that was enough to electrify me, Sara raised a hand towards my face and caressed my cheeks as she smile at me-- her eyes still glistening from tears. 

"you're special." Those words just make me want to cry too-- I've never heard anyone say that to me, and actually sound so sincere, it hurts.

"from the day I met you at my clinic, you were everything I imagined from Bob's stories; you're a ball of wonder and very beautiful, inside and out." Jesus Christ. I'm screaming inside; I just could not believe I'm hearing this from her, and all I could do is smile. 

"When I first saw you, all that I could think of was.. 'damn, how unfortunate can I be to have you as a cousin?'" We laughed at that little misfortune-- that's just too true, and I know she knows I feel the same way when I found out. "That night at your house, I just went for it. from the way you looked and move around me, in a few hours, I figured.. 'she's probably have the hots for me' and there's just no way I'd leave that place without assuring myself that I was right."

"and I'm glad you did." I said, giving he back a smile as I shake my head-- up to this day, I still can't believe we're having this affair. 

"Tegan I.. I don't want to hurt you." uh oh.

"I know. That's why I don't want to fall in love with you Sara." I said. 

She didn't flinch. Instead, Sara gave a chuckle. 

"But I love the idea of you in my arms, or maybe kissing you under the stars, or spending another lovely night with you on my balcony over hot choco." God she's just too perfect for me; I thought to myself as she put her hand up her face and let out a shy smile from flattery.

"we'll have more of that trust me." Sara said as she try to keep her composure, though her blushing face is giving her away. "for now, I just wanna make it clear, that it will not be easy, especially for you. I'm a very busy person, and I might throw you aside every now and then" Now that sounded rather scary, but I'm not jumping to any conclusion just yet. 

"But just know that I love spending time with you, and I want to enjoy every bit of it.. This will be the last time I'll be talking about Emily, and I hope you won't bring her up ever. I know it may sound ironic that I don't want her name brought up, but I don't want to have to keep things from you. I just couldn't find any better timing, so I'm telling you about it now before I actually decide to totally forget about it, and have you find out for yourself"

"you're right, don't worry, I completely understand."


	10. Chapter 10

Of all the possible chances of me and Sara having "the" talk, I actually didn't think of it to be "this" day. It was really unexpected, though I could not have wished for a better time to get this surprise. I couldn't care less about Sara's past-- theres a reason why it belongs there-- and all that matters now is what we have. Although this is just a start of what may seem to be a life long battle with her ex-wife, cause from her stories, the bitch just won't back down even after causing Sara a lot of pain. I honestly didn't think I was worthy for Sara, I don't know if I'm enough to make her forget Emily, I don't know if I can make her love me the way she loved her ex-wife, and I don't know if she will ever be proud of me like she was with her.

"Hey tee, Amy's calling." Sara called from inside the room.

"you can answer it.." I said excitedly as I sit in the throne, letting out all this piss off me; I blame the coffee. I'm more anxious to find out that Amy wasn't too mad to completely ignore me this time, so I guess, her calling is a sign I don't have to worry about anything. 

"she said Hunter is inviting us over for a house party. Do you wanna go?" Sara said.

Well.. I don't know if that's such a good idea, but then again I don't think it's something bad either--so I guess I'm up for it. I quickly cleaned up and put my boxers back on, and got out of the bathroom, gesturing Sara to give the phone to me.

"we're coming, what's the address?" I told Amy on the other line.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sara drove us down to a house in a village just outside the university; this is my first time to attend an actual college party and I'm no more than nervous. I'm already playing scenes in my head about a bunch of college kids getting all wasted, doing really silly stuff and just getting all trashed; but from seeing how quiet the house was from the porch, I think I'm in for a surprise.

I called Amy on the phone as Sara rang the doorbell; we could see from outside that the house is not that crowded inside, despite the many cars parked outside. I saw Amy come to the door, bringing a wine glass with her;

"You made it! oh my God I can't wait to have them meet you guys."Amy said as she led us in. I just smiled at Amy, I know she's already drunk but I am quite glad for it, since her mood is now lighter from when she left us at the dorm.

"wow, is this how a college party looks like now?" Sara told Amy in an undertone as we enter the house.

Amy smiled-- "that's just up here, wait til we get to the basement." she said back.

"so if the party's at the basement, who are these people?" I asked

"oh those are the neophytes, that's part of their initiation." Amy said, almost whispering.

"oh wow, so is this a frat party of some sort?" Sara asked.

"yeah, it is." Amy stopped at a door just before we reached the kitchen, she opened it and the loud music just caught us 2 by surprise.

"so, is Hunter, like.. a part of the frat?" I asked as I cover my ears while we go down.

"he's not just a "part" he's the chapter master." Oh wow. Now I didn't expect that-- though it does fit his personality cause he's a complete douche bag if you ask me. I hate to see it this way, but I think Amy is just overwhelmed by the fact that he's a 'somebody' in this university, and that actually nullifies the fact that he's not good for my bestfriend.

By the second we reached the landing, we were welcomed by a bunch of guys pushing eachother and just wrestling around laughing; Sara almost fell down and I had to hold her up, which was in my favor cause I get to hold her close. I like the feeling of being protective of her, she makes me want to be he "man" in this --if I can call it a relationship-- despite Sara being older and me being totally willing to be submissive at times.

"you okay?" I asked her, getting as close to he ears as I can. Sara just nodded as she take my hand that's holding onto her shoulder and slipped it down to her waist-- sending me to another place inside my head and giving me the chills once again. "grab on" Sara said as we walk across the room against the crowd; I smiled back and closed in on Sara from behind as we struggle to get off the swarm of frat boys.

We reached the "bar" at the other side of the room, where Hunter is standing by with the rest of his clique, drinking beer and looking around and obviously making fun of how wasted everyone was-- now that's my type of crowd. Far from being wallflowers, they can freely express how embarrassing these people looked like and I like it.

"HEY THERE'S MY GIRL!" geez. I'm not your girl.

Hunter pulled me in for a hug, causing me to let go of Sara. "yeah, hi Hunter. nice to see you too" I said, as I struggle to even breathe from his embrace.

"wow! I can't believe you actually came!" yeah me too "how's it going?" he asked as he let go of me.

"oh everything's.. been great actually!" I answered, as my hands find their way back to Sara's waist.

"oh this is Sara by the way.. she's my uh..."

"tegan's cousin!" Amy completed my sentence for me, thank God. I've been dreading this day to come, to have to introduce Sara as a cousin and not as.. a person I date or whatever-- we never really talked about it anyway.

Hunter then took Sara's hand; I was thinking he would shake it, but to our surprise, he actually held it close to his face and kissed it. I darted a look over to Amy who just raised an eyebrow as she drink up her beer-- now THAT was uncalled for-- and I kinda feel bad about her even mentioning that Sara's my cousin.

"wow you're such a gentleman." Sara said bluntly, but in a rather sarcastic tone making Hunter feel a little uncomfortable himself as he slowly let go of Sara's hand.

"we're just gonna go get drinks." Sara said as she grab onto me.

"we need to get out of here early." Sara said, as we walk toward the coolers.

"I agree. let's leave before everyone else gets trashed." I said.

"OH MY GOD" Some familiar voice echoed from behind us, I immediately turned to see who it was, cause there's just no way Jeremy was there, or maybe I'm already hallucinating from the smell of weed in the basement.

And yes, Jeremy was there, right behind us, holding a red cup and saying 'Oh my God' on repeat.

"what the fuck are you doing here?!" he asked all smiles-- he's obviously buzzed. He went and hugged me and Sara and kissed us both on our cheeks.

"uhm.. Hunter invited us. what are YOU doing here?" I asked him nicely, I mean, come on.. it's not everyday do you see a gay professor partying with college frat boys without being beaten down to the floor, unless that's not a thing here now then I'm totally happy about it.

"WHAT?! you don't know?! I'm the house mother!" I just could not believe the energy of this person, and by the minute I'm getting more and more glad about being his acquaintance.

"REALLY?!" Sara said, just as surprised as I was. "that is so cool!" it is cool, I just could not believe how diversified this university is.

"I know right?! I used to be part of this frat when I was still attending, and it's just the coolest and safest place for gay frat boys, you wouldn't believe it.. anyway, I would not suggest you get beer from that cooler cause people have been dipping their filthy hands on them all afternoon"

Jeremy then led us back to the bar where Hunter and Amy was.

"we don't have anything else but Corona, is that okay?" He asked as he get behind the bar.

"that's fine, it's better than home brewed trash." Sara said. as we sit on the bar stool.

"so you've met our house 'mom'?" Hunter asked as he throw an arm on us, standing in between me and Sara.

"yeah, we've known him for a month now." I said as Jeremy open our beers.

"oh yeaaaah.. he's a media professor, how can I forget that." Hunter said removing his hands from my shoulder and hitting his head. Hit harder, douche, hit harder.

"So Sara, what brings you here?" Hunter asked as he turn his back on me to get close to Sara. He is honestly starting to get on my nerves. I really couldn't hear what Sara was saying to him, and the noise on the basement is really just not bearable to me, so I grabbed my beer and left the stool to approach Amy.

"tell your boyfriend to keep his hands to himself and stay away from Sara or he's gonna get it." I told Amy.

Amy sighed "Do you think I didn't tell him that? come on."

I just watched them from that distance as I drink my beer, Sara was obviously not feeling comfortable and was trying to get Hunter's hands off her shoulders.

"Jesus Christ, Amy this guy is dating you and he's obviously hitting on Sara, are you not gonna do anything about it?"

Amy just pursed her lips, and I could tell that she wants to tell him off but just wouldn't do shit to get him to stop. This guy is apparently more than the asshole I perceived him to be, and I haven't even finished half my bottle but my face is heating up in anger and I just wanted to go there and punch him.

Sara now started to get off the stool, and was about to walk my way, but Hunter grabbed on her arm and tried to pull her back; And just as I thought it couldn't get worse, Hunter was now holding sara on both arms and is trying to kiss her.

"Fuck it Amy, that's it."

"TEGAN GET BACK HERE!" Amy called, but my rage is getting in my head now and I couldn't get myself to stop rushing towards him, and before I know it, my beer bottled has crashed on the floor and my fist flew effortlessly on Hunter's chin.

"what the fuck?" Hunter said as he lean down in pain.

Sara just froze, looking down on him. "Tegan you didn't have to." she said as she hold my hand in fear.

"Sara this guy has been harassing you what do you want me to do?" I said.

We looked down on Hunter for the last time, and decided to walk away, but he got up quickly and called me.

"you fucking bitch! get back here, I'm not done with you!" I'm not so sure if he was calling on me or Sara but that was still uncalled for. I turned back to walk towards him to give what he was asking for, but he was quick, and I took in a harder punch in the face.

I instantly felt dizzy and fell down on the floor, I could not hear any of the music, and everything was just a blur. I could hear Jeremy screaming at Hunter and a few more people asking him to stop.

"Tegan, oh my God, please don't pass out, come on." Sara said as she pull me up and touch my face.

"I'm okay, I'm okay.." I said, getting myself together.

I have to be honest, that was one of the hardest punches I ever took. 

I looked around and saw Jeremy down on the floor too, his nose bleeding and his eyeglass broken. "holy shit." I ran towards Jeremy and tried to see if he was okay, while Amy walked over to Hunter.

"jesus christ you didn't have to get into the fight" I said as I help him up.

"I'm fine Quin.." Jeremy got up and removed his glasses. "Hunter I know you're drunk, but I'm not gonna let this pass, believe me, now leave before I call the police." he said as Hunter's friends hold him down.

"sorry Mr. Childs, we'll get him out now." One of the boys said as he struggle to hold Hunter.

"I'm not done with you Tegan! I treated you like friend, and you pay me with this?!" Hunter said, pulling his hands from their grip.

"That's enough! now get out!" Jeremy said, pointing Hunter the way out of the basement.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"next time, make sure you do the talks first before throwing a punch. See how mad he was? OW~!" Jeremy said as the nurse clean his cuts. "I'm gonna make that kid pay, do you know how much my glasses were? and my precious face.. oh my God." he added, almost crying. Well, I'd feel the same if I was as meticulous as him, I mean his face was flawless and his Cartier c decor specs are just to bawl for.

"I'm sorry you guys, I should have avoided him." Sara said.

I looked over at Sara and saw that she was about to cry; "it's not your fault, he's an asshole no matter what." I said as I hold Sara's hand.

"I'm worried for you." Sara said as she hold my hand tighter.

I'm scared too-- but I don't really have any other choice but to live up to Hunter's anger cause I started the fight anyway.

"Oh don't be, sweetie. I'll make sure Hunter won't get anywhere near her." Jeremy said.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After we got our wounds cleaned up at a nearby hospital, we all decided to call it a night. Sara and I got back into the dorm, but was surprised to come home to an empty room-- Amy hasn't arrived yet. Before Sara and I slept, I tried calling Amy, but there was no luck.

"Maybe she slept over Hunter's?" Sara asked as she get comfortable on my bed, leaning her head close to my pillow. I was so worried about Amy that I forgot how close Sara was to me.

"oh well.. she knows what she's doing." I said as I put my phone away.

"come here." Sara said; I then lied back in bed, closing in on Sara and putting her head on my arm.

Despite all the danger I had to put myself into just to keep her away from that asshole, I'm still glad that I get to bring her home for myself, and no matter how worried I am for Amy, I'm quite thankful that she left the room for the 2 of us.

"I'm sorry about what happened." Sara said. That deep sincere voice, echoing through my chest where she was leaning against.

"you don't have to be." All I care about this very minute is how to make this moment last-- I wouldn't want to be anywhere else anyway, and I'm happy I did what I did, cause it was all for her-- not to mention I don't know how to hide my goosebumps from her to keep myself from embarrassment.

I told myself I better get used to this, but... I don't think I ever will-- cause Sara's just too much for me, she's way out of my league and I couldn't be any thankful to have been able to hold her like this even though the guilt of messing around with my own cousin is killing me.

I closed my eyes and gave Sara a kiss on the forehead as she put her arm around my waist. I may feel a little uncomfortable from my disbelief of having her for myself, but Sara makes me want to be brave-- I must say I'm doing well on that, cause for the most part, having to stay in a room for more than a minute in her presence is actually more nerve wracking than it is to punch a frat leader standing 6 feet tall.

"Tegan, can I ask you something?" Sara mumbled with her eyes closed.

"yes?"

"If you you actually didn't like me back, that night that I went to your room, would you be mad at me for what I did?" she asked.

"no. I'd just think, maybe she's sleep walking' or whatever." Sara and I just chuckled to my answer.

I opened my eyes and looked down on Sara; "but you're just too lucky aren't you?" I swear to God I feel like Sara thinks I'm conceited as hell, but I hope she can see right through me, and know that I'm only being one so I won't come off like a loser.

"well, you are too, scoring someone like me?" oh yeah, scoring someone like you, I feel really lucky despite that little unfortunate fact that you're my blood. I smiled at Sara and just couldn't help myself, so I went and kissed her.

\-----------------------------------------------------

SARA

That's what I was waiting for from the moment I last saw her-- just that kiss was all I needed to make me feel better. A couple of times I'd cringe to the idea of being punished for feeling this way towards my own cousin, I know it's wrong, but it's what I wanted and I'd feel much worse to leave myself not knowing what might have been.

Tegan was shaking as our tongues met, and I could also feel my core trembling to the feeling of her flesh; we may have kissed a few times, but it still amazes me how each kiss feels like the first time. Actually, everything feels like the first time-- the way she looks at me, the way she hold my hands, the way she act when I'm around-- it all feels like we've never done it. I just love how she looks at me like a kid opening a present-- her wide eyes, and her slightly open mouth and the way her voice shakes.

I know Tegan is trying to be all cool, but the way she surrenders herself to me when we kiss is just the most honest gesture I've witnessed in my entire life, and it's been too long since I felt this way towards someone; Why the fuck do you have to be my cousin?

I brushed my hands over her thighs as she wrap them around mine; I pushed myself between her legs and I could just feel the warmth as she clutch it tighter.

The goosebumps on her legs are very contagious, and I just feel so nervous right this very minute. There's just a big desire to make love to her, but it's hard for me to initiate-- the guilt is creeping up on me and I'm getting a little scared-- I don't want to do something I will regret, but have I not yet done so much that I should regret? I had to stop now, or I won't be able to contain my hunger for her body.

I slowed myself down, but my heartbeat is still racing, and my body is getting hotter by the minute as I feel Tegan get her hands inside my shirt, and up towards my breasts-- I need to stop.

"Tegan.." I said as I pull our lips apart.

"what's wrong? did I hurt you?" she asked, letting loose of my breast and caressing my nipple softly.

"no.." I smiled at her as the light of the night flashing from her dorm window, fall on her face. "I'm just tired.."

I lied. In fact, my body's ready for anything with her tonight, but my gut is telling me otherwise-- I don't think our hearts are ready for this-- just not now.

"alright.." Tegan said without hesitation. Just the respect I get from her is something else, and I can't help but want her more.

Tegan slowly pushed my shirt down and pulled the blanket up to my chest. "goodnight" she said, taking me into her arms.

"goodnight, love" I answered back as she kiss me in the cheek for the last time before she slips into a slumber.


	11. Chapter 11

Sara

"What the fuck Amy, I was so worried about you last night, where have you been?!" Tegan said in an undertone-- I could still hear her from the bed, and I just pretended that I was still asleep so as to not embarrass Amy. She just came in and Tegan was already up a few hours ago to get breakfast and I could hear her curse as she dial Amy's phone then.

"I was at Hunter's, duh, where else can I be?"

"what were you doing there? I'm your friend, you're supposed to take my side." I could just feel the tension on Tegan's voice.

"look, I'm not taking any sides, If I didn't, I won't even be here right now, and I'm dating him, normally I have to be with him-- and for the record, you threw the first punch."

"oh wow, now it's my fault that he's harassing Sara? you saw what he did, and he was asking for it.. and you need to stop seeing him, he's obviously a bad catch, Amy, come on."

"you don't tell me who not to date Tegan, did I ever judge you and told you off when you started messing around with your cousin?! NO I didn't, cause as a good friend, and even when we started hanging out in 5th grade, I supported you with your choices cause that's what makes you happy. why can you not do the same for me?"

"I'm just protecting you."

"Well I don't need your protection, you're not my Mom."

"where are you going? get back here!" I heard the door slam; I'm pretty sure Amy left again. I wanted to get up from the bed,I think Tegan knew I was awake.

"you heard that? you see how stubborn she is?" Tegan said as she sit on the bed.

"well just let her be.." I sat up with her. "she needs time to see through Hunter, and soon enough she'll leave him, trust me."

Tegan was obviously upset, I don't know what else to say to make her feel better, but we couldn't do anything if Amy just won't get shit from Tegan, and I have a feeling there's somthing more to this than just her affection for Hunter.

"yeah well.. she can do whatever she wants from now on. I don't care what she does here on out."

"don't feel too bad, come on.. she's just mad, I'm sure she didn't mean that." I said rubbing her back.

"I'm starving, you want to get breakfast?" she asked me as she get off bed. It's already 10 and I have a session in 3, so I quickly responded with a yes, and headed straight to my bag to get my clothes.

\------------------------------------------------------

TEGAN

My hands are shaking, and I want to throw up-- the moment Jeremy forwarded me that email from the student affairs office calling us all in for a meeting, I've felt as if my college life is going to end here.

"I'm so dead." I mumbled as Jeremy and I walked along the hallways leading to the SA office. Our faces still messed up from last night's brawl; Sara told me to just calm down and just try to recall everything that happened last night, but I couldn't help but be worried.

"don't worry, I'l make sure we'll get out of this without a scratch-- and I don't mean literally cause that mother fucker ruined my face." Jeremy said as we reach the office's door.

"here goes nothing."

Jeremy opened the door and led me inside. The prefect of conduct is there, as well as Amy, Hunter and the rest of the frat boys that were involved in the fight. Hunter and Amy did not move an inch and were just looking straight ahead; they're obviously pissed off.

"please take a seat, Jeremy, Tegan." The prefect said, offering the chairs in front of his desk across the rest of the people in the room.

I have no idea what's gonna happen after today, but whatever the decision will be, I hope my dad won't kill me.

"Miss Quin, I was able to take the time to hear the story from their point of view, now I want to know why you did what you did."

"I uh.. we were invited by Amy to the frat party. My cousin was visiting so I can't really leave her alone, so I brought her with me. Amy and I introduced her to Hunter, and uhh.. we weren't even down to our first bottle, Hunter here started harassing my cousin, and I had to get in the picture cause he just won't stop even though Sara was telling her to stop."

"and by harassing, you mean..?"

"he was holding her hand, trying to kiss her, grabbing her by the hip.. Sara was obviously struggling, but he was just.. forcing her in."

The prefect just nodded, while Amy and Hunter weren't looking my way at all, I've shooting them stares but they just won't even glance at me.

"and Jeremy, what did you do, that made Hunter punch you?"

"I was trying to stop him from hurting Tegan again, he punched me when I was trying to block his way, and I asked him to leave."

"so you didn't hit him back?"

"No." Jeremy answered him straight. I'm not sure if the prefect is trying to catch him at fault for something he didn't do, or he's just testing Jeremy's honesty.

"great." he then pulled out a folder off his drawer, opened it and put out a couple of sheets from it.

"Hunter, I'm putting you on a preventive suspension for 2 weeks."

"But Prefect Jones, this didn't happen in school premises."

"I understand, however, it was a school event by tradition and you purposefully hurt a faculty member, facilitation the said "party".. may have happened outside school, technically speaking, but it was still a university activity."

Hunter just sighed and didn't talk.

"you're lucky you're not getting expelled, you need to thank Mr. Childs here for deferring the punishment."

Hunter was getting red-- he obviously was mad and disappointed of the outcome.

"Tegan, you're under our radar, you should understand that this might be a personal issue for you, but you were the first one who threw the punch, and you brought an outsider to the party, I hate to say this but you are still at fault."

I just nodded, and didn't want to say anything else that will worsen the situation.

"with that you're under probation for behavioral issues, so stay out of trouble for about 6 weeks." well that wasn't so hard was it? I don't think I'll ever be in any trouble cause people in my college actually avoids me.

"Now the rest of you, are free of any punishment, but please, stay out of trouble. understood?"

"yes prefect Jones." we answered in unison.

"you all may leave." We all stood, as I fold the paper and slip it in my ipad case. This is definitely going to be an interesting 2 months for me; being in probation I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to do my thing without being question-- but that's better than being suspended.

Hunter and his frat boys surprisingly walked the other way from Amy as we leave the hallway to the quadrangle. Amy didn't even look back at me, she just walked away without a word or anything-- Jeremy and I bid our goodbyes and I headed to class, with a weight on my chest. I just couldn't take how bad it feels to have your bestfriend be mad at you for something you did just to protect her from an ass hole like Hunter.

After today's subjects, I received a text message from Lindsey, asking me to meet her at her office. She didn't really tell me the reason but I think I know why she wanted to talk to me. I made sure that no one was around the hallways when I entered-- so as to avoid any lingering eyes of my batchmates who's got a hot eye for me-- it's just unbelievable how my first semester is going, I'm supposed to be having fun, not worrying about other people's issues with me.

"hey.." I greeted as I entered her office. Surprisingly there were 3 other people inside her office, one of which is a classmate, and 2 other students I've never met.

"come in Tegan. you can sit at the back first, I'll just finish giving them pointers here." LIndsey said as she nudge her eyeglasses and point over the couch near the bookshelves. I took a seat and waited there til she finished in a few minutes; as the other 3 students leave, she stood to lead them out, and lock the door.

"so.." she began, as she walk over to the couch.

"so... what?" I asked her-- I was still a bit in question of why I was there

Lindsey chuckled as she sit down with me. "Jesus Christ Tegan, do you know how happy I am with what you did to HUnter?"

Now that was surprising.

"Finally, someone stood up to that mother fucker." lindsey shook her head.

"really? does he really have that unbeatable persona?" I asked; honestly HUnter looks much like a loser for me.

"well, he might seem a bit of a geek sometimes, that's usually how computer engineering majors come off, but he's like the hottest of the smart bunch, you know? people are scared of his connections, and his brains, he can virtually expel you by just hacking to the system and delteing you off the student population."

Now that sounded scary.

"so despite my celebration, I must warn you that he's a tough bug to kill. he may be suspended for now, but he's got eyes and ears everywhere. so just be careful."

I just nodded;

"anyway.. uhm.. you wanna go grab some dinner?" she asked as she stand up and fix her blazer.

"yeah, sure, Jer coming?" I asked as I gather my bag.

"yup, he's already at the place." LIndsey said walking over to her desk, She then turned off her computer and gathered her stuff before we left her office.

We arrived at the parking lot to get to my bike and her motorcycle; but my bike wasn't where I last left it.

"where the fuck is my bike?" I asked as I nudge the strap of my backpack.

"I'm pretty sure students won't steal a personalized buke with your initials on it, won't they?" Lindsey asked; I just jerked my shoulder from the thought-- it is a stupid idea to steal a bike that is perfectly designed for someone's body-- it just won't feel right on them.

Lindsey and I started looking around, a few feet away from the bike rails, and there we saw Hunter's truck driving past us, and by the sound of scrap metals being dragged down the road, I saw my bike, dragged through chains to the road from the back of his truck.

"your burden has started." Lindsey said whuile we stare at HUnter's truck as it passed by us and at my bike's misfortune.

I almost laughed; "he's just not that smart after all, eh?" I said as I shake my head. I turned around and headed back to the parking lot to go to Lindsey's Ducati.

"what the fuck, Tegan, you're just gonna let him do that?" Lindsey asked as she follow me.

"yeah. he made that bike for me, he's like, literally trashing his own effort to the ground, it's actually more of a damage to him than me." I said, almost laughing to Hunter's stupidity.

"well how much did you pay him for it?" Lindsey asked, catching up on me.

"400. I don't mean to brag, but, ha, that's like a penny to me." I said as Lindsey and I get to her bike.

"do you think it's him behind the wheel?" I asked as Lindsey hand over her spare helmet.

"I guess, I can't see through his tints." Lindsey then rode her bike; I just stood there, not knowing how to mount her bike without having to look stupid; I've never ridden of these.

"well what are you waiting for? hop in." Lindsey said through her helmet.

okay, here goes nothing. I carefully lifted a leg and hopped over the seat, settling my crotch comfortably on the mount as I grab o tho Lindsey's shoulders.

"sorry" I said as I accidentally hit my thigh on her butt.

"hold on, I don't wanna kill you." Lindsey then grabbed my hands from her shoulders and led them down to her waist, sending chills to my back. 

this is as awkward as it could get.


	12. Chapter 12

A WEEK LATER

I stood at my dorm's doorstep as I waited for dad to come, this week has been a complete drag for me, and I'm glad I'm finally with better company. I missed Dad so badly, he had no idea, but I wish I won't just break down in tears later when I see him for the first time in 5 weeks.

I badly miss Sara too, we were both really busy this past week, but we talked regularly, however we haven't planned out to meet anytime soon, so I'm still quite feeling down cause I wanna spend more time with her. In the irony of the situation,I've also been dreading this day to come whenever I recall that I was actually preparing to come out to my dad; Sara told me not to be nervous and be firm and proud about it, cause the more I show my dad that I am hesitant in telling him, it may give him the impression that I'm not so sure about myself either; and the last thing I wanted my dad to do was to "correct" me.

I was staring pensively on the road that I almost didn't notice our car was already slowing down in front of the dorm; I quickly stood up and walked down, as our chauffeur open the passenger seat for me.

"DAD!" I threw myself inside the car and landed in his arms-- "Oh my God I missed you so much!" I exclaimed-- almost crying.

"Oh Jesus Tegan you're getting thin! I missed you too sweetheart!" he said as he hug me back and the chauffeur closed back the door.

I pulled away and Dad's smile faded as he saw my face and saw a little bit of what was left of my wounds.

"what happened to you there?" he asked as he survey my chin.

"oh that.." I sat back as the car drove away. "I got into a fight."

"What the hell, Tegan? we talked about this!" He shook his head

"but Dad, it's not one of those street brawls that we do to trip on people, I was defending a friend from being sexually harassed." I answered in defense-- I don't intend to tell him about Sara, cause it will just aggravate him more than he already is. I just hope he'll let it pass this time.

"look, Tegan, I don't care about all these other people you're defending or protecting, I just want to make sure that you don't get yourself hurt, that's all I"m concerned about. I don't know what to do if anything more than getting a bruise happens to you, do you understand?" he sighed as he shake his head for the nth time in disbelief.

"who did this to you?" he asked.

"Dad, no.." He's got this habit of getting back at people, and I'm afraid of what he can do just to give Hunter a lesson.

"Tegan, I need a name." He insisted.

"Dad, please? getting back at him will not resolve anything, he's already received enough punishment from the university.. believe me it;s not necessary." I said, quickly holding him by the arms in plea.

"Tegan, people will never learn their lesson until something devastating happens to them that will change their life, I'm only giving this kid a lesson I'm not gonna kill him. And for Christ's sake, he's a guy?! how can he hurt a girl like you? Jesus."

I shook my head, "No Dad, I'm not gonna give a name."

"alright, then maybe Amy will. by the way did you tell her you're meeting me today?" Dad then put his phone out

"he's actually Amy's boyfriend so she's definitely not gonna tell you.. and no I didn't tell her, we've been fighting since that day.." I said.

"what?! and Amy didn't stop him from hurting you?" I know right, I was asking that question too. "come on Tegan, it's only been what, almost 2 months, and you're starting to act like your old troublesome self. what's going on?"

"Dad, nothing's up,okay? we're all just at the wrong place at the wrong time. and he's already crashed my bike, I don't know what else he'll do to me if he finds out this was all your idea. "

Who the fuck am I kidding? my Dad's capable of a lot more danger than just crashing a college girl's bicycle. That actually didn't stop him from calling Amy though, I honestly wanted to snatch the phone away from him, and drop the call.

"hello Amy? how are you dear? oh nothing I"m just calling to check on you guys.."

good luck Hunter, your dreams of graduating UCLA with flying colors is now down the dump.

\-----------------------------------------

"Thank you." The waiter fixed my seat for me as we settle down. "this place is amazing, how did you find out about this?" I asked dad as he get in his seat. I was honestly still feeling a little upset about how he talked Amy into telling him Hunter's full name.

"well.. I've had a few meetings here, and I loved the food, so.. thought you might like it here." The place is too fancy for my taste, and the food is quite expensive-- thank God dad's paying-- but what else is great is that we were actually a couple of feet away from other tables, leaving us with the privacy we needed.

"so what do you want to eat?" Dad asked as he survey the menu.

"honestly Dad I'm not hungry, but I'll get a... garden salad" just whatever I first saw on the menu. 

Dad called out the waiter and gave our orders, another one arrived and served us some wine; dad declined, but he allowed me to get some, which in my opinion is something I shouldn't give in to, cause I need to be sober for this.

We were quiet at the table, and didn't really speak a lot about anything until we finished off our food; 

should I tell him now? or should I wait for dessert? 

"so what is it you wanted so bad to tell me in person?" Dad started-- I guess he noticed how uneasy I've been for the past hour.

I cleared my throat and fixed my seat before I went for it.

"first off, I want you to know that no matter what you may say after this, I still respect you, and I love you so much." Dad raised and eyebrow and almost laughed;

"well.. I love you too, but you're starting to worry me here.. what's going on?"

with a dry throat and my hands curled u in a fist above my lap, I took a breath before I blurted out, "Dad, I'm gay."

"wait.. what?" Dad leaned closer from across the table. "what do you mean you're gay?"

"I'm attracted to women." I said, feeling much more confident this time, but still stunned by m own fear of rejection.

"wow." He sat back, let out a sigh and shook his head.

"Dad, calm down." I said noticing that he's starting to breathe rapidly.

"what happened? did you... had any... bad experiences with guys? were you like, abused?" He was almost crying

"Dad NO! come on, it's nothing like that, I'm just.. more attracted to women, that's all."

"are you sure? do you want to talk to someone maybe they can help you figure it out?" he said, reaching out.

"No, I don't need a shrink or a counselor, I couldn't be more sure of what I want.. I've got it all figured out." I said as I take dad's hand.

"is it my fault? have your perception of men been ruined by how awful I've been as a father and a husband?"

"NO, of course not, Dad. don't blame this on you. And it's not something to be sorry about, it's not a bad thing. this has nothing to do with how I see you, or other men."

"Tegan.. how are you gonna have kids? I still want grandchildren, and are you like one of those... girls who wanted to look like men? what if no one takes you seriously and they bully you or they hurt you because you're a lesbian.. Or.. Jesus Christ, I'm so worried about you, have you told anyone else?"

I could not believe this is how he's gonna take it. To be honest, I thought he'd be open minded enough-- I know he's worried, and I'm still glad he's being honest, but he worries way too much.

"Amy knows.. but look, dad.. with today's modern technology and the number of good looking guys with sky rocketing GPA's i can get sperms from, I can give you as many grandchildren as you want, and yes that means I'm gonna keep my uterus, and what's wrong with looking like a man? I eat and walk like a man after all, in fact I think I've lost all gracefulness in me if there were any.." I said confidently, in defense to some of the typical events on his head.

Dad just sighed and held his forehead as he lean his elbows on the armrest of his chair; He definitely looks disappointed.

"Tegan.. I love you.. no matter who you choose to be.." NOw that's what I needed to hear. "But I'm worried for you. people are gonna hurt you, look down on you, and I will not be around forever to protect you from that." The way he's saying it, is also making me scared. I am very much aware of all the danger, and I"m not gonna let people hurt just like that, cause compared to everything I went through at a young age, I think I can handle homophobia.

"I know, dad. that's why I"m telling you this.. I want you to know that I'm strong enough to handle the gay in me." dad chuckled and shook his head. "I promise you I will not let anyone hurt me." Dad smiled, but in a split second, his face curled and he started to tear up. I really don't want to feel about coming out, but he's obviously hurt by this news and I feel a little guilty for even thinking he's gonna take it lightly.

"dad, don't cry.. please.." 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

Apart from dealing with dad this afternoon, I had to actually bargain with him for not trying to come out to the world just yet. I told him that it's not my plan to tell everyone but I'm not keeping it a secret; and that actually ended our day in a sour note. Though I agreed to go on therapy again, but this time I'm seeing Sara instead-- which was so much in my favor, I just couldn't express how much I wanted that from him, but of course I had to come up with a front for that.

"hey" I greeted Amy as I enter our dorm room after Dad drove me down.

"hey" she answered back bluntly as she read through her books on her bed. That's still a good sign despite the cold shoulder-- at least she's actually talking to me.

I removed my jacket and my flannel and jumped on the bed as I unzip my pants. I have so much I want to talk to Amy about, so I don't care, I'm saying it anyway.

"I came out to dad today" I blurted out as I threw my pants on the hamper. I lied back and pulled my blanket over me, as I snuggle in, on my underwear.

"what?" Amy closed out her book and removed her glasses. "oh my God, what did he say? did he get mad?" she said approaching my bed. I then sat up as she sit in bed with me. 

"well.. he didn't get mad but.. he cried.."

"wow." Amy looked shocked and obviously worried.

"he was scared for me, and all that shit.. but.. he's cool with it.. he asked a bunch of questions, probably trying to see if maybe I was just confused, or whatever."

"oh dear.. but.. everything's cool with him, right?"

"yes of course. he's probably just... flustered. he asked me to go to therapy though."

Amy flinched. "what for? is he trying to correct you or something?"

"I don't know to be honest, but the good news is, I'm doing therapy with sara."

"oh that's.. nice. but what is the therapy for?" She asked, sounding a little too uninterested.

"to help me get a clear state of mind-- I preferred yoga, but he insisted that I give therapy a shot, though it's unfair cause he has no idea it's going to change nothing." I said, hugging my knees.

"don't you feel bad about it though? I mean he's trying to convert you or whatever." Amy said, raising her feet up my bed.

"I don't think that's what he wants to happen. I believe him when he said he's doing it so I can clear my head, and tell him I'm still gay even after therapy."

"does your dad not know sara's gay?"

"I don't think so.."

"what if he finds out?"

"I don't know. I hope he won;t ask me to stop seeing her."

"yeah.." There was a short moment of silence til Amy let out a heavy sigh.

"look, Tegan, I'm sorry about what happened this past week. I've been.. " She said, bowing her head down. I'm quite surprised that she's apologizing for it, when just a few days ago she just completely ignored me and stood up for her boyfriend.

"that's okay... I don't blame you for any of it.." I let loose,facing Amy as I lean my elbows on the bed and rest my head on my hand.

"I know.. but.. about Hunter, I.. I want you to know that I stopped seeing him." Finally, she's come to her senses.

"wow. really? that's.. good news. It's about time you actually find someone better."

"see.. I don't really like-like him. he's an option, and.. not a really good one if you ask me." okay, really now? I think she's just being completely defensive. 

"you can say that again. so considering these other "options", I'm pretty sure you fancy someone else, yeah?" I said, almost teasing her.

"yeah I do..but.. it's complicated. Hunter was... the distraction, if you can call him that."

"how complicated?" I asked.

Amy looked up at me, her mood suddenly shifts and she lets out a blank expression on her face. She slowly looked down to her hands as she start to get a little jitty-- she was getting uneasy again, and I'm afraid I get the idea.

I honestly wanna shake it off, and convince myself that I wasn't right with my assumption, but even before I can speak and tease Amy to lighten up the mood, she quickly leans over on top of me, sending me back down to the bed, and kisses me.

"that complicated." she said after pulling away from the quick, uncalled for kiss.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SARA POV

"so how was your lunch date yesterday?" I asked Bob as he settle in his seat in start of his therapy.

He sighed, and clasped his hands together as he rest them on his lap. "it was.." Bob shakes his head. "pretty surprising." now I hope Tegan didn't tell anything too drastic for Bob to handle. 

"describe surprising.." I asked him in my most at ease. I couldn't help but be a bit worried that Bob might not have taken it the way Tegan wanted. I'd love to ask Tegan how it went, but I don't really want to involve myself in their personal "issues" unless Tegan or Bob tells me about it. 

"sara.. I don't want to tell you specifically what's going on with Tegan-- you might not look at her the same, I don't know if.. if.. oh God." Bob starts getting a little to fidgety this time. "can you promise not to tell this to anyone? I know we're family, but can you please not mention any of it even to Brenda."

I nodded; "I promise.. "

"Tegan came out to me yesterday." I knew it. "I meant she... she said she was..."

"she's a lesbian. I get it." Bob was obviously having a hard time saying th L-word; but he just gotta get used to it. 

"I wanted to tell you cause.. I want her to see you too, for therapy if you don't mind." now that's a revelation-- I would love to be able to see Tegan on a regular, but to actually try and "correct" her isn't exactly a good idea.

"wait.. Bob.. are you saying that you find, Tegan's attraction to the same sex, a mental.. disorder of some sort?" I asked him-- trying to keep a straight face.

"no, no it's not like that.. I..." Bob sat up. "I don't mind that she's gay..all I'm saying is, I think she's too young to finally decide that she wanted to be a lesbian her whole life." Bob sounded so much like dad-- he has that same confused and worried look in his eyes when I came out.

"Bob.. I understand that this might be hard for you, but I'm pretty sure it's harder for tegan. just look at it this way; if she isn't fully decided of her preferences as of the moment, she won't come out to you, trust me-- besides, you're right, she is young and she's got her whole life ahead of her. She can explore further into the fluidity of her sexuality, she can engage with people and activities that will help her grow as a person. in this day and age, being homosexual isn't that much of a taboo-- there are a lot of big companies and organizations that support the movement, and there are many influential people who are gay and are allies. I know this for a fact.. because I am gay too." 

The look on Bob's face was priceless-- he looked surprised, but he was smiling-- I'm sure he found a little relief off of what I just told him. 

"I know you may have questions but we can talk about that later on.. outside therapy maybe.. for now, I wanna know what you think and feel about Tegan" I told him as he began to sit up.

"I'm proud of her.. but at the same time.. I'm scared. and.. there's a part of me that I'm blaming, for causing her to be like that." It's quite normal for parents to question their ways of raising their children, that at what part in parenthood does someone actually begin to cause their kids to be gay.

"I have to be honest, a lot of things you did in the past may have affected Tegan, like.. maybe fear of being with a man cause she might experience the same fate as Sonia's, or maybe she's mad at men in general." I don't want to blame Bob, I'm pretty sure he did everything he could to change, but it's still possible that Tegan might have been gay because of that-- or it could just be natural, it does run in the family anyway. "Or maybe it's.. passed on, I don't know."

"see that's what I want to know. it bothers me that I am affecting her in ways that might.. give her a hard time."

"Bob, again I'm gonna be brutally honest, you did some terrible things that may have caused her to be worse-- but where is she now? top of her game, in college and working her ass off to reach her dreams and make you proud. so don't be scared-- just support her with her ventures, she'll greatly appreciate that."

Bob nodded-- "I understand.." he let out a sigh, and a look of reassurance on his face.


	13. Chapter 13

Tegan

I know I may have told Lindsey that I'm fine with my bike being crushed down to the ground by HUnter, but I"m just starting to feel really bad about it when I had to walk all the way down to class the whole day-- it's just really exhausting, especially now that I just finished working out with Jen. I should've just asked her to jog with me back to the dorm.

I literally dragged myself down to the dorm, taking in every heavy step, trying to bear my sore body. I was so preoccupied by the thought of finally lying down on my bed that I didn't notice that my Dad was waiting for me at the doorstep.

"Dad! what are you doing here?" I suddenly felt a hint of energy on me again-- this is indeed a pleasant surprise.

I dropped my bag on the street and gave him a hug, I swear I could almost cry.

"well I just came over to drop my gift for you."

"what gift? it's not my birthday yet." I said as we go down the steps while I grab my bag, and as we walk over to the other side of the street, he handed over a car key to me.

"woah, wait." I said as I take it from him. There's no way he got me my own car, there's just no fucking way-- he hated the idea of me driving on my own cause he always had that fear of me getiing in a road accident of some sort-- again, there's just no way.

"what the hell?!" I exclaimed as he open the door of the driver seat.

"it's yours." He said, pulling the door open for me.

"dad! you didn't have to!" I swear I was almost in tears. It's a red C-class sedan-- one of the cheapest Benz, but it's sick. I turned to him again and have him another hug.

"well I figured after that kid killed your bike, you may need something ti get you around.. so.. anyway, kiddo, I have to go." Dad said as he slowly pull away.

"what? seriouly dad you just came here to bring this? can't you stay for a bit?" I wish he would stay longer so we can give this baby a spin.

"yeah. sorry.. I have a meeting downtown in an hour..your driver's liscense is still okay, right?" he asked as he signal the driver to come over.

"yeah.. I have it."

"good, you can go take your baby out.." Dad patted my head and messed it up as the driver took a stop in front of us.

"and Sara agreed with the therapy, you start friday next week at 2."

"alright dad.. take care.. and thank you.."

Dad got in and smiled at me before he closed the door. The car drove away as I savor this new freedom, and squeeze the keys in my hand. I almost forgot how much my body was aching and just couldn't be any happier for this gift-- Dad's too generous. Not to mention getting me into therapy with Sara was another pleasant gift I could not say no to. I don't mind driving three hours just to spend an hour with a shrink, I'm thinking of it more as a routine opf being with my girlfrined--well, if I can call her my girlfriend.

I immediately got in the car and installed the handsfree, andf as I finish, I called sara right away and drove around the campus.

"What's up gorgeous?" I said as Sara picked up the phone.

_"hey there sweetie, what's going on?"_

_"guess who's got a new ride"_

__"oh my God, Bob seriously did buy you a car?"_ _

__"yeah.. well.. dad's too generous of a man, what can I say._ _

___"he's so spontaneous and weird, I'm telling you.. one minute he's all worried about your safety, the next he's out buying you a car"_ _ _

___"I know right.. I just.. can't believe it still.."_ _ _

____"and I guess he also told you about your sessions next week?"_ _ _ _

____"yes... he did.." I sighed as I smile from ear to ear. "can't wait to finally see you.."_ _ _ _

_____"I missed you.."_ hearing her say that on the other end of the line was more than enough to make me relax-- not only was her sweet voice so soothing to my ears, but it was exactly what I needed to hear this very minute._ _ _ _

____"I miss you too, you have no idea."_ _ _ _

_____"wait, are you on hands free?"_ _ _ _ _

_____"yes baby, I can hear you from every inch of the car, you're talking to me like my conscience, and I love it!" Sara just laughed out, and it was music to my ears, _Jesus Christ, how can I not fall in love with this person?__ _ _ _ _

______"well your conscience is telling you to drive back down to san francisco and take her out on a date."_ _ _ _ _ _

______Oh I will definitely drive down right now if she's seriously asking me to._ _ _ _ _ _

______"don't dare me." I said in a rather teasing tone._ _ _ _ _ _

_______"Nah, I'm just kidding, you're probably tired from working out too." oh yeah, I almost forgot about that-- but I'm not so tired anymore._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"you sure about that, dear?" I asked her in reassurance-- I know most girls just don't really say what they want, and I know Sara's not the type, but I really wanted to go._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"yes I'm sure.. you take a rest okay? and besides I have a... oh, there she is.. Send her in" she said as she answered her intercom. I know she's been really busy, and I couldn't be anymore thankful that we will now have a chance to see eachother regularly like real partners-- just the idea of it makes my inside turn upside down in excitement, but under all this happiness is a heap of fear and worry that someday this has to end._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"I'll talk to you soon, take care now.." I said as I take a turn towards the quadrangle._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"you too.. I really miss you.. text me." she said._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"will do, ma'am.. bye"_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"bye! kisses." she dropped the call as I park my car just right outside the media arts building, I got out of the car and I was about to get to the cat walk to get to Lindsey and Jeremy's office to pay them a visit, but Amy walked right out of the cat walk. I leaned on my car door with my arms crossed as I waited for Amy to walk past me--_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"no shit!" she greeted as she walked faster towards me the moment she realized it was my car. "where did you get that ride?!"_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"Dad.. hop in!" I said as I unlock the car door._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"I never thought there's an open beach this near." I said as I threw a rock towards the sea._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"me neither. let's surf here sometime." Amy said as she battle the winds from messing her hair up._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"yeah, this is a really good spot. you wanna go get some gear? there's a shop nearby." I said, sitting down beside her._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"nah, maybe next time." she said, digging her feet into the sand. I've been meaning to talk to her about what happened a few days ago; I mean, right after the kiss she just ran out of the room and didn't come back til I was probably asleep, and when I woke up the next morning, she might have already left. I never brought it up to her, as I don't really have the chance to-- she's always avoiding me, and just wouldn't last more than 10 mins awake with me in a room. I never told anyone about it, cause I don't really want Sara to feel uneasy when she's around, but it's frustrating that I can't let out my confusion._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"Amy, why did you kiss me?" I said, out loud and just bluntly. I immediately regret it, cause for the record, I know exactly why she kissed me. dammit Tegan, stupid question, stupio question._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"really Tegan? you're asking me that question?" Amy shook her head and stood up, I immediately followed her lead and grabbed her arm as she turned around to leave._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"I'm sorry, okay?!" Amy faced me, almost to the point of attacking. "I'm sorry that I had to kiss you and embarrass myself, knowing that I never had the chance to keep you for myself!"_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"woah, calm down, I'm just asking you a question." I said, holding both her arms._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"yeah, a dumb question at that."_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"I guess what I needed to know is.. why didn't you tell me? after all these years?" I asked, rather seriously confused this time._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"I don't know, maybe because you'll run away from me, and not want to be my bestfriend anymore." Amy asked sarcastically. "I've had this.. thing for you since junior year, and I.. I don't know what to come up of it, I know I was straight-- but you fucking confused me and you made me question myself.. "Amy sighed. "I didn't want to scare you away."_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______I slowly removed my hands from Amy and let out a sigh, myself. "look, you're my bestfriend no matter what. you know I can never hate you, whatever you do."_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"But you will never want me the same, whatever I do." I looked up at Amy and saw her eyes glisten from tears. "I have to go." her voice breaking, she turned around and walked away._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______But she was only a few feet away when she turned and walked back towards me; raising her hands, she held my face as she got near and pulled me in for a kiss-- again._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______I could feel the pain in her, my eyes were open while she was into deep with her feelings-- I watched her as we kiss, and I couldn't feel any worse about myself. I wanted to push her away from me, I want to stop her from hurting herself, but my fear of losing her is taking over. I wasn't kissing her back, I can't even get my hands to touch her, I just stood there, hard as a rock and just seeing her cry herself to the pain. Amy quickly pulled away when she realized I wasn't responding like she wanted; I looked her right in the eye, wanting to tell her how sorry I was and how I want her to not feel this way towards me._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"nothing?" she said as she pull her hands away._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"I'm sorry, Amy.." I choked._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"fuck." Amy said, crossing her arms. She bit her lip, still crying and turned away slowly; this time walking away from me without hesitation._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______After Amy left the open beach, I called Lindsey and drove down to a nearby restaurant to meet her and Jeremy up for dinner. I was still on my sweatpants and I have nothing else on my gym bag but a pair of denim shorts, so I'm probably not dressed up for the establishment--I just hope I wopn't be rejected at the door._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"Wow, hey there sexy thing." Jeremy greeted me as I awkwardly walk down their table, while LIndsey welcomed me with a sheepish grin_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"Don't ask." I said as I sit down with them._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"we already ordered you some food, so just sit there and relax. Now Talk." Jeremy said as I settle my keys and wallet atop the table._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______They both turned to me, as if waiting for me to blow up their minds with a gossip. I did tell Lindsey that I needed someone to talk to, so I guess they thought it was something really important._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"it's about Amy." I said._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"why what happened to her?" Lindsey asked, sounding a bit worried._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"well, nothing too drastic or whatever, but.. well I guess it's a big deal for her.."_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"and...?" Jeremy asked, shaking his head and obviously irritated cause I just won't get to it._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"she fancies me and I... just don't feel the same." the look on their faces turned from enthusiastic to uninterested._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"well unrequited love exists everywhere, believe me. so it's not a big deal. she'll get over it." Lindsey said turning to her wine._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"and besides you guys are young and got your life ahead of you, it's not the end of the world." Jeremy added._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"well.. she's my bestfriend, and it's just not right that she feels this way towards me. she's obviously mad, and I don't want to lose her, but I don't love her like that. I don't know what to do."_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"look, sweetheart, you've got nothing to lose, why don't you try your luck?" Jeremy said-- but this sent Lindsey off._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"what? seriously Jer, it's gonna ruin their bond even more than it already is, Tegan don't listen to him.. if you don't love her, and if she's nothing more than a friend to you, don't lead her on." Lindsey said._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"I don't really wanna go there too Jer, I mean.. she's like a sister.. it feels... weird" If I heard myself on another person's point of view, I'd probably be hitting myself with a brick in the face-- talk about shitting on the issue of incest when knowing that you're actually guilty of it. "and besides, I... I'm seeing this girl, and I'm really happy with her."_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"and does Amy know about this girl?" Jeremy asked._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______I just nodded and sighed in frustration._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"well then what is she upset about? Is she trying to tear you guys apart?" Lindsey gave this "wtf" expression on her face, and it perfectly mirrors my feelings about the issue._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"I don't really wanna think of it like that to be honest, but I'm feeling that that's what she wants to happen.. I mean after that incident in the frat house, I was thinking that maybe Amy purposefully didn't stop Hunter from hitting on Sara to upset me and maybe start a fight with her and eventually----"_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"wait, WHAT?!" Jeremy exclaimed._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______holy shit. I did not just out myself and Sara to Jeremy and Lindsey._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______"I though Sara was your cousin?" Lindsey said._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______I could not fucking believe I slipped. Their surprised faces stared the guilt out of me and I just didn't know what else to say to save my ass--I can't lie to them and say Sara and I aren't really related-- what would have been my excuse if they asked me why I didn't introduce her as my girlfriend? I will then have to cover that up with another lie. Jesus Christ, there's no escaping this._ _ _ _ _ _ _


	14. Chapter 14

Lindsey and Jeremy didn't speak; the look of embarrassment on my face already told them that I was indeed caught by my own words. Good thing the appetizer came just in time to save us from having to kill the awkward silence-- I just sat there, surveyed my soup and just sighed from frustration.

"look, we're not gonna judge you. it's your life for fuck's sake. calm down." Lindsey said in an undertone.

"thanks.." I was relieved, in a way-- but it obviously took them a step back-- I hope I won't have to lose them as my friends either, I couldn't afford to be left alone in this phase of my life, especially that I'm having a hard time even casually getting along with anyone from my college and the dorm; there's Jen, but I don't want to be stuck with her.

"yeah, that's fine I mean.. I've had crushes on my cousins too.. so.." Jeremy said-- I know he's just trying to make it sound a little less distressing. 

 

"can I just.. I'm sorry.. I'm just really surprised, I never thought it could happen in real life, but what does it feel like? were you this close since you were kids?" Lindsey asked as she lay down her spoon and ignored her appetizer.

They both looked at me like I was a freak show, but I'm glad they're not that repulsed by the idea.

"well, the odd thing is, Sara and I just met this summer. well we've met a few times when we were kids but I didn't remember her from then cause we only saw her again after so many years. it's... I don't know I think it was love at first sight."

"and how did you come about?" Lindsey added.

"we actually aren't together-together, you know. we're like, in the dating phase, we haven't been.. doing what couples do, we're just.. hanging out, being sweet and all that shit."

"that's definitely more complicated that I expected. In so many ways, I'm sure you think that too. have you ever decided to stop?" Jeremy asked.

I don't ever wanna stop. "I have no idea to be honest.. I just feel like.. I wanna enjoy it while it lasts."

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After dinner, we all drove our separate ways-- I've honestly never felt anymore comfortable towards them after tonight-- and I hope that after this, we'll grow even closer to trust eachother like real friends. They may be my professors, but they're also good people; I'd rather be with older, mature human beings than hang out with people my age but just won't get me like they do.

But just when I thought my night's off to a good end, I arrive at our dorm room, seeing nothing left of Amy's things. I walked around and saw that her closet was also cleared out, but luckily she was still at the bathroom, sorting her toiletries out.

"what do you think you're doing?" I asked as I stand in the door way.

"what does it look like to you?" Amy asked as she zip up her vanity bag.

"What the fuck? Amy you don't have to leave. what's happening to you?" I said; I couldn't help but raise my voice in disbelief; I'm feeling a mix of anger and sadness that this is actually happening.

"I can't stay here anymore, Tegan." she said calmly as she carry her bag. "I have to go."

"you're not going anywhere, you're staying here like we agreed. you made my dad a promise!" I know it's lame, but actually telling her that I need her here, might just worsen the situation.

"Tegan, for once, can you just let me be? I'm sick and tired of following you around, I'm not your shadow, I'm your friend. Let alone, I feel this great love for you but you just... I'm sorry I really have to go."

Amy pushed herself out the bathroom, and just walked away towards the hallway. I ran after her as tears came rushing down my face-- I want her to stay-- I really do. But I'm also battling this side of me that wants to just let her be, cause I know that's what's best for us.

"Amy! come on. please can't we just talk this out?" I asked as I grab her arm and drag her back to our dorm room-- but she pulled her arm back.

"I'm sorry but I need to leave Tegan, I can't even stand seeing you anymore without feeling hurt and hate you for not loving me back. I"m just done." Amy said. 

"I just don't love you like that.. you're my friend, and I don't want you to feel that way." Much as it hurts me to say that to her face, she needs to hear it.

"Then help me move on.. please. for the record I only stuck around because I was hoping for something better than just friendship. but I guess that day won't come."

Amy turned around, walked away and went down the stairs without a pause and not even looking back. I was left there in the hallway, still surprised and just not taking any of what just happened.

I ran after her, but just as I reached the front door, she rode a Silverado and drove away.

"she's got a nice ride right there." Jen said out of the blue as she stand beside me, crossing her arms as we watch the truck drive away. Jesus, this woman just comes out of nowhere every single time I'm in a bind.

"she's gonna regret joining that sorority, I can tell you that." she said.

"so she's moving in to a sorority house?" I asked.

"yeah. wait.. aren't you guys like.. bestfriends? how come you don't know about this?" she asked, looking all flustered.

"I thought so too, but I guess you really lose some when you earn some."

\------------------------------------------------------------

Today is my first day in therapy with Sara-- I'm really excited and I just couldn't wait to see her again after a week. This is the only thing that's keeping me sane; to be honest I don't know I can still get a grip if it wasn't for her. I waited til Dad finished, and right after the opened and he got out, I immediately stood and gathered my jacket.

"Hi dad." I said as he approach me.

"oh you made it!" he said as he raise his arms to give me an embrace; he looks really happy and surprised to see me. "I though you'd never come."

I jus kept my mouth shut; I didn't really wanna say anything anymore, my stupid mouth might just get me in trouble. If only he knew, I'm actually here for Sara-- not to actually get an intervention.

"should I get in?" I asked him as we pull away from the hug.

"yeah, go right in. she's waiting for you."

\------------------------------------------------------------

SARA POV

"hey." Tegan greeted as she close the door back; her voice alone is already sending me shivers, but I got the worst goosebumps when I heard the lock click.

not here, Sara, not here.

"I'm actually still on my recess for the next 15 mins, so you can sit around." I said without turning back, as I survey the books.

I could hear her footsteps from my wooden floor; she's approaching quietly, but the soles of her chuck taylors are failing her big time.

"I missed you." she said abruptly as she wrap her arms on my waist behind and I felt the hair at the back of my neck raise from her lips brushing through the sides of my neck. I let out a sigh of frustration-- this time I'm failing my own resistance of not getting this close to her with Bob just a wall away from us.

I slowly returned the book on my shelf and quickly turned around to face Tegan. "I missed you too." I said, holding her close to me as possible. Her warm sincere smile was enough to make me forget about our little misfortune, seeing her this happy with me will always be more of a satisfaction rather than an immoral habit that it is.

I closed in and gave her a warm welcome kiss; indeed I missed her. Terribly. I've been trying top resist her for days now, as I don't want to come off like a clingy little girlfriend, but I guess it's different when she's right in front of me. I can tell she's been feeling the same, as our lips get tangled in eachother, I could feel her press against me with complete longing, so I leaned back on the shelf, and took her every touch as she dive into the opportunity.

not here, Tegan, not here. I want to tell her, but I can't help but feel the same amount of desire to do these things with her in here.

Should we do it here and now? I was ready to give back to Tegan from unbuttoning my shirt and unzipping my pants, but we both jerked and quickly pulled away upon hearing my office phone ring.

I guess that's a no. I quickly zipped my pants up and sat back on my arm chair.

"yes?" I said as I clutch the phone between my ear and shoulder as I button my shirt up. Tegan was right in fron of my desk, flashing me a devilish smile-- teasing me as she brush her hair up. God she's beautiful.

"Yeah we're actually starting now so just receive the files, that's fine." yes we already started and you just broke off what would have been an intense sexual contact. I then put the phone down, I sighed and leaned back on my chair.

"well that was unfortunate. you still up for it?" Tegan asked as she come over in front of me and leaned her bum on my desk. I smiled and pushed my chair closer to her, holding on to her thighs and spreading them apart as she sit on my lap.

"Baby I'm up for it anytime." I said slipping my hands under her shirt, Tegan then pursed her lips as she tried to stop a loud moan.

"except maybe after 12 midnight." she said, almost laughing from my recent decline. I wasn't prepared then-- which reminds me, I don't think my office would be a great place for a first time either. I chuckled, pulling my hands off and touched her face instead. 

"yeah. but I'm not letting your dad pay me just to screw you.. we can do that in our own time."

She sighed, "fine.." Tegan said smiling again and then leaned over to kiss me before she stood up.

Tegan looked rather disappointed, but I had to be firm on her with this-- it's just not the right place, I guess.

"so, just so you know, I did this in favor of your Dad. SO let's take this, seriously... I hope you understand." Tegan nodded and sat quietly on the couch in front of my armchair. I nudged my clipboard and scribbled a few notes before I started.

"Don't take anything personally, okay? Think of me as a doctor, not as... your cousin or your.. anyway. let's start." Tegan crossed her arms and didn't speak, I guess she's already getting in the zone.

"Since when did you realize you were.. gay?" I know it sounds stupid that I'm even asking her this, but these are the things Bob wanted her to clear out to herself.

"seriously? you're asking me that?" Tegan asked. I just nodded and kept my stern.

" well.. freshmen year, locker room. It felt unusual that I was with all those naked girls and it made me feel uncomfortable, though I know I have what they have. and then I just.. I don't know it was nothing unusual for me. I've always been attracted to women." Tegan went through with it without stuttering.

"so.. does this mean you are not attracted to men? like, at all?"

Tegan shook her head. "not at all, never did."

I scribbled notes again, looking up at her from time to time, as she observe me from the other end.

"alright tell me how you came about the need to come out to your dad." I looked back up at her.

"I was actually thinking of at least, letting a few of my secrets out in the open. I've been keeping so much about me from my dad, and our relationship, whatever this is, is my biggest secret so far. Without me letting go of a few, I don't think I may have enough space in my head and heart to keep you my secret. I might just.. blow up."

She could not have picked a better time, I guess its still a good thing.

"Do you think you did the right thing?" I asked her

Tegan blinked and sighed. A sign of slight regret and worry is showing on her face.

"For me, it was the right thing to do. He's gonna find out sooner or later anyway might as well tell him. But I'm kind of worried."

"why?"

 

"I think I might have stressed him out a bit."

"I see." I took note, pursed my lips and cleared my throat; "do you.. think that.. he's accepted it?" I was feeling kind of worried to ask her that, I have a clear judgment of Bob's acceptance, I think he's still in denial.

"no."

"why do you think so?"

"cause I'm his only child, and... I think he wants me to have a family of my own, in the most conventional way he could think of."

Bull's eye. there's not much to ask here, Tegan's got it all figured out.

"has he ever talked to you about it since the day you came out?"

Tegan shook her head, looking rather disappointed.

I let out a sigh, and forced a smile to keep the mood light. "okay.. so.. how's school?" I'm just really bad at transition, actually I don't even use it, I just shift from one question to another, though I act6ually do that to avoid unnecessary follow up questions.

Tegan shook her head again and gave a short laugh. "we've been talking about it, so I guess you know what's up. But last night I had a really bad fight with Amy."  
again?

"she actually left the dorm."

"wait, you mean for good?" I sat up and leaned my elbows on my knees.

Tegan nodded. "she moved out and told me she was tired of being my shadow, and she wanted to move on with her life cause she thinks I won't ever love her the way she wanted."

"wow." I wanted to just say a lot of things, but I don't think it's appropriate.

"she's being really unfair and selfish. I mean, is she telling me that our friendship has been all focused on getting under my pants? like, what the fuck, did she just befreinded me because she wants to hit on me? It's really pathetic and I feel somewhat betrayed. I hate it when people get on my side because they wanted something in return, and not just because they really like my company."

I could feel the anger and frustration in Tegan's voice, she was obviously hurt to be left alone by her very bestfriend of 4 years.

"I hate her, for everything." Tegan sighed and tear up a bit, but she quickly wiped it dry.

I really wanted to stop myself from comforting her, but it's hard enough to hear her be this honest to me, so the very least I can do is to stand by her side. I quickly left my clipboard on the armchair and sat beside her, and held her hand.

"I have to be honest, with all these things I'm going through right now, reminding myself that I have you, is the only thing that's keeping me sane." Tegan said as she look me right in the eye, her tears building up again. She let out one last sigh, and leaned her head closer, resting them on my shoulder.

you have no idea how lucky I am to even have you around Tegan, you just have no idea.


	15. Chapter 15

"you have one of these?!" Tegan asked from the living room. I peeked through the kitchen door and saw her cradle my acoustic Gibson in her arms. I silently smiled out of flattery as I pop the cap out of the beer bottle.

"can you tune the strings? I actually loosened them up cause the weather's been cold lately." I asked as I carry the beer out to my living room.

"sure. but what does that have to do with the weather?" she asked as we sit on the couch together.

I shook my head and smiled again; she's probably not used to playing acoustic. 

"see when the weather gets cold, the wood expands as it softens, so if the strings are actually too tight on the guitar, in most instances the necks bend and the frets get too high, making it hard to play the chords without getting blisters."

"but it's Gibson." Tegan said as she turn the string knobs and pluck the string.

"even the best quality of woods aren't a match to a bad weather, so I'm not taking any chances." I then took a sip of my beer and raised my leg on my couch.

I hope Tegan won't notice that I'm feeling a little too nervous to have her here in my apartment, I've been looking around the whole time she was tuning my guitar, to see if there are any clutter or if anything is off its place, making sure that my apartment is neat enough. I'm pretty sure this was exactly how she was feeling when I went to her dorm the first time, and it's really nerve wracking. I'm glad Bob allowed her to stay over my place, so we can "bond"-- I just love that word-- despite him missing Tegan every time.

"done. wanna show me some of your skills?" she asked, handing the guitar over.

"well.. I haven't played in months now..but.. let's see." I then put my bottle down the coffee table and took the guitar from Tegan.

don't fuck it up.

I was now more nervous than I was just a few seconds ago, I mean I haven't played in a long time and I just don't think I still know the chords to my favorite songs.

Tegan took her bottle and drank her beer as she watch me try to recall the notes to the song I wanted to play.

"you sing too, right?" Tegan asked. The hair at the back of my neck raised in her question-- "yes, I sing too."

Tegan gave me a cheeky grin and raised her feet up on my couch too, facing me with so much enthusiasm for my little display of talent.

"ready?" I asked her, feeling a little better after remembering the chords.

Tegan nodded and took another gulp from her beer bottle.

Build a wall of books   
Between us in our bed   
Repeat, repeat the words   
That I know we both said   
Relax into the need   
We get so comfortable   
Remember when I was   
So strange and likeable   
I just want back in your head   
I just want back in your head   
I'm not unfaithful   
But I'll stray   
When I get a little scared   
When I get a little scared 

"well that sounds surprisingly happy for a sad song. It's really nice, did you write it?" tegan asked as I put the guitar back on the stand.

"yeah..I did.." I said sounding a little embarrassed as I settle back on my seat. Tegan looked rather impressed and at the same time a bit sad; I blame the song, but much as I don't want to relate it to our "relationship" it pretty much defines the end of all this. I shook my head from the thought of having to leave her behind one day, and just took her hand. Tegan flinched, but she shot me a really lovely smile as I kiss the back of her hand.

"did I already tell how happy I am to have you around?" I asked.

Tegan blushed as she lick her lips and look down to her lap.

"I would actually remember it if you did, so, I guess not." she said in an undertone, almost laughing but sounding rather shy. Tegan didn't let go of my hand, and instead she squeezed it tighter as she drink her beer up.

"aren't you happy?" I asked, noticing a bit of resistance in her.

"of course I'm happy. I couldn't ask for a better time and a better person to be with this minute.." she said, looking back at me.

"then what's bothering you?" I asked her.

"I'm just.. scared I guess." Tegan looked down again.

Upon hearing this, I quickly closed in on Tegan, pulled her by the arms and held her face as she face me.

"look, there's nothing to be afraid of. I'm not gonna hurt you, Tegan. If all this would have to end that is not because I wanted you out."

Tegan started to cry again-- I'm feeling really guitly for even choosing to sing that song for her-- it's a pretty depressing song and she's been on an emotional roller coaster since this morning-- I really wish she would stop crying.

"But I don't want this to ever end." she choked.

"me neither, hun." I said as I take her in my arms for an embrace. "I'm sorry.." I said as I kiss her in the cheek.

"please don't go." Tegan said, mumbling through her words from my shoulder.

"I won't.. I promise." I said, almost resisting to say it, but I guess I'm at my bravest when I'm with her, and I can do anything just for her-- even if it means suffering through this immorality.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TEGAN

2 romcoms, 3 packs of chips and 8 beer bottles later, Sara and I ended up lying on her living room floor, tripping balls as we share a small joint. I swore to never smoke weed again, as it only reminds me of Mom, but I was in a better place these days so I think a few buds won't hurt-- or rather send to a crying spree. 

"can I just say that I never, like, in a million years, would ever regard you as someone who smokes weed?" I told Sara

"dude, you have no idea how many compounds this little body has abused. It's amazing I'm still fit to this day." Sara said as she pass me back the joint.

I know it's another revelation, but nothing surprising is ever gonna turn me off anymore. She's actually more fun than I sought her to be, which is a good thing-- cause at least at one point we can enjoy eachother's company.  
"do you keep roaches?" I asked her.   
"no.. I throw it away.." Sara said, resting her head on her arm as she watch me gather the remains of the weed on her canister. "I used to, though. me and my friends in Canada save our roaches for the whole year, and then on new year's eve, we smoke the one big joint from all the roaches. it was fuckin awesome." 

I smiled. 

"yeah? that does seem fun.. I used to keep roaches for emergency, cause I don't really know any source when I was in highschool, so I steal some of mom's weed from her prescriptions.. so I save them for the rainy days. I feel like a real junkie..." I said. Sara just shook her head and laughed at me. 

"So when did you stop?" I asked her trying to keep the conversation away from mom as much as I can.

 

"with the chemicals? well.. when I got back with Emy; drugs kept me at the top of my game in grad school, to be honest. I'm so glad I was also able to control it, so.. here I am. She didn't understand, and she was rather, "repulsed" by it, but after I left montreal, I got back to it, but only organic this time.

 

Silence dropped along wih Sara's frown; she did say that we will never talk about Emily but I expected that not to happen cause everything is still fresh, we really can't just brush it off like it's nothing. 

"you wanna go to bed?" I turned as Sara made the sudden offer; and next thing I know, we were struggling in eachother's arms as we walk towards her bed, kissing eachother half naked and baked.

I didn't want to have sex with her like this-- I feel numb from all the weed and beer, and my head is spinning but I can feel my sensation focusing on my burning core and I can't help but be hungry for her body. 

I pushed her down the bed and unzipped my pants, quickly removing it and crawling on top of Sara like a careful creep. She pulled me closer by my face and gave me another kiss-- I could feel her teeth almost crushing my lower lip, but I can't feel any pain-- I want to stop and just wait until we're sober, but my judgment has fully detached from my body.

My arms are trembling and I can feel them getting a bit sore, so I gave in and just succumb to the bed 

"do you really wanna do this? I can't feel a fucking thing." I said catching my breath, as I lie beside Sara. 

She turned to me and gave me a wide smile; "I can't feel a friggin thing either." and then she stated laughing and I can't help but feel funny too. 

Sara struggled to sit up, but her arms were too weak to keep her up so she fell back on her spot. 

"I'm already dead." I said, as I plant myself on the sheets and pull Sara in with me. 

"let's hit the sack." Sara said, still chuckling. 

 

I kissed her for the last time and as I take one last look before I close my eyes, I opened my mouth to say I love her-- but the words just won't come out. 

For a moment there I felt as if I got my consciousness back, it's like my real self is stopping me from saying something stupid that will ruin this moment, and my better judgment took over. I closed my eyes and let out a sigh, and said "goodnight Sara."

 

\----------------------------------------------------------

SARA

Water, I need a pitcher of water.

My mouth and throat is dry and I feel as if I'm gonna die of dehydration from last nights alcohol and weed binge; I'm getting really old and hanging out with Tegan like that might not happen too often-- my body's just starting to give up on me. 

I reach out for Tegan from the other side of the bed, and saw that she was there, lying to her side with her pale, flawless back facing me. I crawled up beside her and slipped my hands towards the arch of her waist, pulling in the sheets to cover her body. 

I feel like a complete creep, watching her sleep, but I can't help but be fascinated my her everytime I look at her; she was the type of person I'd never date-- the age difference, and her lifestyle makes it hard to let her keep up-- The physical attraction is there, but I'm more astounded by what's in between her ears.

Tegan is a wonderful person altogether, my disbelief from having this relationship with her is all overpowered by how much I want to be with her, and it's killing me everytime I have to be reminded that we're cousins.

I kissed Tegan in the cheeks, and got lost in her scent again-- but while I was wanting to savor the moment, my phone rang. 

oh shit.

I hit my head as I sit up on the bed-- recalling that today was when I was supposed to meet Emily and our attorneys.


	16. Chapter 16

I slowly pulled away from Tegan's unconscious grip in her sleep, and went for my robe. I was trembling, and making up a good excuse in my head for not showing up early; I shook my head in disbelief of myself as I tighten the knot on my robe.

I walked across my living room to my front door feeling a little light headed from all this nervousness, I took a deep breath and answered my phone.

 

"good morning Mrs. Storey." Ron, Emy's attorney, greeted on the other line. 

"Ron, for the nth time, please call me Sara." I said, rolling my eyes. "I just woke up, we had a little family gathering last night and I totally missed my alarm." I said as I settle on my couch while I browse through my emails on my laptop. 

 

"and I suppose you had one too many drinks?" Emy asked. I'm guessing they're on a conference call from the firm.

I tried hard not to come off a little guilty from it. "yeah, my cousin stayed for the night and we did some catching up."

"are we expecting you any minute now?" Ron asked. "atty. Danes is already here with us, we're just waiting for you." 

 

"I know, I know.. I'll be there in 30 mins." I said. I then quickly dropped the phone and ran to the shower. 

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"I don't know if this is an appropriate gesture, but I'd say it anyway, congratulations.." Debbie said closing her file case as we finish the sit down. Emy and Ron were just at the other corner of the conference room, both quiet and not giving a fuck.

"thanks.. but.. I don't really want to celebrate yet. Emy can be full of surprises sometimes and I don't really wanna jinx this. I need this annulment to push through."

Debbie smiled-- quite reassuring me, no verbally, that I will get what I want out of this.  
"don't worry about it Sara, we're on the right track here. you're gonna get what you want and we're gonna settle this once and for all." 

"Thank You Deb, I owe you a lot." I said. 

"Don't mention it." she said, carrying her case off the table. 

"we're off.. Thanks for your time Ron, Emy... we'll see you both in 2 weeks." I said, pulling the strap of my bag over my shoulder. 

Debbie and I left the conference room and as I walk towards the lobby, I saw Tegan on the waiting area. 

I couldn't help but smile, seeing her in her white v-neck and her distressed jeans-- she looks stunning even in her most rugged attire. (kstew alert)

Tegan stood upon seeing me, though it makes it hard for me to notice if she was looking our way with her black blinding wayfarers on. 

"hey there." Tegan said as I approach her. 

"don't act too sweet" I whispered carefully as she kiss my cheek in greeting. 

"Debbie this is my cousin Tegan" I introduced Tegan as she remove her sunglasses. 

"Hi nice to meet you." she said.

"Nice to meet you too Tegan.. wow you look so much alike.. I can mistake you both for twins if I didn't know better! and you're so pretty too!" Debbie said, sounding really astounded. 

"oh well..good genes.. I guess" Tegan said. almost laughing

"I'm sure.." Debbie said all smiles. "so I'd love to stay and chat but I have another client in a few minutes so I really have to run. I'll see you soon Sar"

"Thank you so much Debbie, see you.." I said. 

"bye Debbie!" Tegan bid.

"so I'm guessing you got my note? how did you find the office address?" I asked Tegan as Debbie walk away. 

"well I saw one of your notes on the fridge and there's a letter from the firm so.. here I am." Tegan said. 

"so.. since you're here let's go grab some brunch" I asked, clinging onto her arm as I lead her out. 

"yeah.. I'm starving." Tegan said.

"you're always hungry.." I joked as I put out my sun glasses, as Tegan wore hers. She's just looks so hot today, I just wanted to skip brunch and just bring her home and make love to her. 

"That's true.. I think I'm getting my period any day now." Tegan said. 

oh no. Is this a sign? should we go and do it today before Tegan gets her period? 

jesus fucking christ, why am I even thinking of this? 

"you okay?" Tegan asked as I seem to have stopped walking towards the car mid way. 

"oh.. yeah I'm fine.. uhm.." I was too busy thinking of whether I should have sex with you now or wait for the next week to get through this-- I'm surely gonna explode anytime. "I almost forgot that I drove my car here, so I think we have to ride seperately."

"can't you just leave the car here for the mean time?" She asked, opening her car door. 

"I can't, parking fee's too high." I said as I quickly scramble the insides of my hand bag for the key. 

"alright then, I'll just follow you out." Tegan then rode her car while I walk towards mine. 

***************************************************************************

TEGAN

After brunch, much against my will, I drove down to LA to get back to the dorm. It took us another good hour just smooching around Sara's place before we finally decide that I have to leave before traffic gets heavy. 

I wanted to stay in San Francisco to spend more time with Sara and maybe meet my cousins and friends on the way, but I have early class tomorrow and I might get a little lazy since I'm with Sara. 

I have to be honest, my hormones are driving me crazy since that night at her apartment; I've been dying to get some steam going on, but it seems like we always get caught in a rather awkward disposition or situation. 

Pathetic as it may sound, I had to settle to some self-service option, especially that I'm always alone on my dorm anyway, I think it would give a little bit of privacy to allow me and Sara to talk on the phone or even do it online thru a webcam- ugh what am I even thinking-- she may not be up for it, so maybe I can resort to just imagining her again. 

monday - after gym 

Just when I thought that having to spend time with Jen in the gym for 4 days in a week is a bad idea, I've come to realize that it's nothing compared to having to share a moment with her in the shower room. She's used to this, I get it, but the only other person I had to take a shower with was Amy, I really wanted to drive out and just get a shower at the dorm but I don't want to end up on another unfortunate situation just like last week when I had to catch some dinner with Linds and Jer on my gym clothes. 

"Tegan?" Jen called out from the other side of the shower.

"yeah?" I answered, trying my hardest to resist the urge of looking at her naked body.

"you have plans after this?" she asked casually. I was slightly catching glance of her as I try to wonder why she's asking-- please, I hope she won't ask me out or anything.

"nothing really. why? I mean you know my schedule, right?" I asked. still fighting my urge. get it together. 

"you wanna go try some milk shakes?" she asked. I couldn't help it-- I had to turn my head on her.

"what---?" I asked. I'm confused. or maybe I'm just distracted by her. this is wrong.

"there's a new parlor down the street, do you wanna check it out?" Oh.. I thought she meant something else.

"oh.. okay, sure." I said, bowing my head down as I walk off the shower rooms. I quickly pulled my towel and wrapped my body with it.

I swear I was soaking wet as I didn't have the time to shake off the excess water, and It's freezing cold down at the locker room, so I'm struggling as I put out my clothes.

"dry yourself properly." Jen said. She was just right behind me, and I didn't even notice. "you're gonna catch a cold." she said throwing me an extra towel as she walk beside me on the lockers-- her locker was unfortunately right beside mine, so even in getting dressed, I'd have to stand beside her-- I better get used to this. 

I quickly dried off, while Jen get in her clothes, aka a pair of short denim shorts and tank top. I love how confident she is with her body, and dressing up that way without actually looking promiscuous; I hope I can pull it off like her. I guess I have a crush on her, but only because I'd love to be just like her.

"you really have a knack for staring people down, don't you?" Jen said. oh snap.

"I uh.. I'm just..." I'm dead. Jen was staring at me like she was offended with what I did. "I'm sorry"

"Is it too much? should I cover up?" Jen asked, sounding a little too conscious, and grabbing her hoodie

"no! it's fine, it's fine.. you actually look good.. I mean.. you're fine." I said trying hard not to sound too patronizing.

"good.." Jen smiled, and went back to fixing her bag.

I then quickly started putting my clothes on-- I honestly have to admit to myself that I felt a little less insecure now that I figured she still worries about how other people perceive her-- she's not a snotty bitch after all.

\----------------------------------------------

Jen and I decided to just drive thru at skinny pig's (the new protein-milk shake parlor-- I know, I think it's catchy too), but we were too tired to stay in, and we have classes early the next day so we agreed to get something on the go. 

"I can get used to this, if only this cup doesn't cost 6 bucks." Jen said as she survey the strawberry seeds from under her pink lemon blast smoothie.

"they have a diet plan too, and it's cheaper! though they have to bottle up the shakes, for a week's worth of daily grind, so it's not as fresh as getting the deal with a cup that's more expensive." I said as I slow down on the side walk to park my car.

"They only have it for fruit shakes, so no dairy. that will actually lessen the spoiling time. besides fruits have natural preservatives so you really have to consume it daily as advised. it's all written down on here." she said, raising the pamphlet to her face and cup, looking like a infographic model.

I just shook my head and smiled at her; "whatev, I'm still not going to risk upsetting my stomach."

I killed the engine and we got off the car. Jen stayed at the living room with some of her buddies while I quickly got up the 2nd floor. From the hallway I could see that my bedroom door was open, so I immediately ran into it, thinking that Amy might be finally in after not seeing her for almost a week now.

"Holy Shit." I said, with my jaws and stomach almost dropping to the floor. No Amy; just all my stuff trashed down to the floor-- my clothes. my computers, my camera-- nothing was left untouched. 

"FUCK!" I screamed as I run out of the room. There's only one person capable of doing this and I'm not sleeping through tonight without getting even.


	17. Chapter 17

I quickly ran back down to the living room and saw Jen chatting with some of our housemates, I quickly grabbed her by the arm and dragged her towards the patio.

"what the fuck quin?" she exclaimed as she try to stop me. "you're hurting me, what's going on?" 

"you're taking me to Amy's dorm" 

\----------

"how can you be sure it's her anyway? it can be anyone." Jen said as we wait for someone to come out the front door; I literally dragged her here with me, since she's pretty familiar of the sorority Amy joined. 

"well is anyone mad at me for not letting them get in my pants? last time I checked it was only Amy." I said, until we heard a buzz through the speaker. 

"can I help you?" someone said from the intercom.

"yes I need to see Amy please?" Jen said as I try to stop myself from screaming. 

"who's there?" the person asked. 

"It's uhm.. Jen.." Jen seemed a bit hesitant in saying her name. "her... her previous dorm keeper, I just came to give some of her stuff back." She said lifting a bag of duvet Amy left at our room; showing the cctv she's got something for Amy.

"Okay I'll send her down." she said while I try to hide from the range of the cctv, hopefully if the person behind the intercom would not see me on the monitor. 

it wasn't until after a good 5 minutes someone finally answered the door; I was feeling a little nervous and I swear my heartbeat was raising, but much to  
our disappointment, it wasn't Amy. 

"Hi, Amy can't make it down so I'm getting her stuff for her." The girl said. shit "wait a minute, you're Jen Harris right?"

wait, what? 

Jen just bit her lip, looked around and just nodded awkwardly to the girl. I'm not sure what's going on here, but I'm not here to rekindle an old sisterhood.

"hey excuse me.." I said as I try to get off from the shadow. "I'm sorry but we came all the way down here to give this to Amy, I'm Tegan her bestfriend from highschool and I also attend UCLA. We just really need to see her, PLEASE." I said, trying to sound all firm. 

"yeah but Amy doesn't want to see you guys." The girl said. "I'm sorry"

"you know what this is bullshit. AMY! get down here!" I shouted from outside, trying to get my voice up the windows. 

"hey!" Jen pulled me away "Tegan don't forget you're still on probation, don't make a scene here. jeez" Jen tried to hold me down, pulling me away from  
the front door as hard as she can, cause I'm about to barge in. She's right though, so I just eased up a bit and pulled my arms away from her as I try to  
get my composure back. 

"this is just fucking unbelievable" I murmured, trying to catch my breath as I feel my chest tighten in anger. 

"alright, so just.. give this to her and tell her we would really appreciate if she at least.. respond to our texts or calls." Jen pulled me away after the girl took the bag from her, holding me in firmly as we walk back to my car. 

"Give her time Tegan, she probably doesn't want to talk after all that happened, just remember she might be embarrassed when you rejected her after all that she told you. at first when she left and didn't tell you, I was completely puzzled, but it all makes sense when you told me what happened."

Jen said calmly as I start my engine up. 

"It's just not fair that she trashes my room just to get back at me. that's fucking ridiculous! that's my whole future right there!" I punched the stirring wheel repeatedly, causing my hands to swell and redden in no time-- that familiar sensation was something I badly missed. 

Though I'm getting a bit stressed out as I start to think that all those therapy and anger management I went through were all going to waste because of that's happening to me and Amy these days, and there's nothing more I want than for our "friendship" to come back. 

"Hey stop it! you're hurting yourself!" Jen, for the nth time, tried to pull my hands away from myself, keeping me from injuring my hands even more. 

"Tegan, listen.." Jen slowly let go of me once I calmed down. SHe sighed and just bowed from her seat. 

"We have surveillance cameras in the house, and I can assure you we'll catch the culprit. okay?" she said. 

"what?" I asked in disbelief, she should have told me that earlier before we came running here. "how come you never told me that?!" 

Jen just sighed and crossed her arms, looking sorry for me. 

"it's against university policies to install private cctvs in dorms without permission. those cctvs were installed without the knowledge of the students. so..." she looked back at me looking all muddled from all the trouble I had to go through just to catch the culprit. 

"I'm sure it wasn't Amy though.. She won't do that to you, believe me." she added. 

I shook my head and just grabbed on to the stirring wheel as I start to drive; now I can't wait to get back to the dorm to view the footages. This has been a long night so far, and I couldn't afford to stress myself out because of this, I just want to lay in my bed and sleep, but not until I find out who did this. 

\-------------

"Jen's right, it can be anyone." Jeremy walked me to my next class like a kid, making sure that I don't get attacked or anything. To be honest I think it's sweet, but I can handle myself.

"yeah but I didn't get to see the footage from last night, Jen's been suddenly really skeptical about it, what should I do?" I asked. 

"you did say that she didn't advise the university about it right? I'm sure you're gonna have a hard time. If I were you, don't tell her you told me. or she's not gonna trust you about keeping it mum." 

Jeremy's got a point, If Jen finds out I told Jeremy about the cameras, I'm screwed. 

"so what are you planning to do about it? are you going to rent out a different place?" Jeremy asked as he open the door for us, leading to the building. 

"I don't know. I might. what do you suggest?" I was kind of thinking about staying and just keeping the room to myself, I think that it's going to be much secure. Then again I'd hate to have my stuff get wrecked again, but there's really no safe place in this country anyway. 

"I suggest.." Jeremy paused, faced me and held me by the shoulders. "you get the fuck out of this university compound and start living on your own where it's much safer." I frowned. I don't even know if I can make it. "I mean it's safe in here.." Jeremy crossed his arms as he let go of me and start to look around. 

"it's just that.. there are people who hate you, we can't really deny that can we?" he said in a low tone. 

I agree. if it's going to be like this for the next 4 years then I'd rather just drop out. "I don't know if I can do it though.. I mean, I don't stay at my dorm all the time, I'm always out and about. I just really need a safe place to sleep at, and preferably live with people I trust.." I said as we continue walking towards the classroom. 

"then live with us if you want. we're barely home either so...."

Wait is he suggesting I live with him and Lindsey? 

"hold on.. that seems like a pretty good idea, but I doubt that Lindsey will agree to that." I said. 

Jeremy then opened the classroom door for me and flashed me a smile "we'll see. let's talk about it after this period. call me when you're done." 

I smiled back and just waved at him as I enter the classroom. 

I have to be honest to myself here, that sounds a bit exciting. Though I'm pretty sure they live far from the university, cause they mentioned they had to give an hour to travel here. Though that's also a good thing cause then, I could stay away from all the negativity this place is giving me. 

I took my usual seat near the wall by the middle of the classroom as I ignore the people in my class, goofing around and just talking loudly to eachother like a bunch of ill mannered kids. I pushed my buds in and just listened to my mix tape, trying not to give a fuck as I pull my hood up as I wait for the professor. I crossed my arms, put my phone out and just started messaging Sara once I saw she was online. 

"Hey.. busy day?"

_Tee. Yeah, quite busy but I'm on a recess._

"yea, waiting for the prof. btw I have something really important I wanna  
talk to u about"

_Okay, do we to meet in person for this though? >_

"I'd love to see you, but it's not that 'important', but I just need your help with Dad. can I call you after class in about 2 hours?" 

__"Sure love.. anything for you."_ _

"thanks Sar.. prof's here, call you later xoxo" 

_\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

"NO. you're not living with us, No." Lindsey said, shaking her head in disapproval. 

"but Linds?! we have an extra room and we definitely need a 3rd person's rent." Jeremy almost pleaded, and I couldn't help but just feel funny seeing him do the puppy eyes to Lindsey who just rolled her eyes at him. 

"Jeremy.. come on, don't you think that's too much? sorry Tegan, you're my friend, but if people find out about this it might be a problem." Lindsey said, looking all worried. 

"you can shift me over to a different adviser right?" I asked, honestly getting my hopes thrown out the window. 

"Yes I can but that's gonna take weeks.. if your main concern here is your security then I guess it would be best that you live with a relative." Lindsey said, asshe pull out a book from a small bookshelf in her office. 

"But the nearest relative I have is 3 hours away from here, I'm renting a dorm for a reason." I said. 

"we can tell the dean we volunteered to keep her safe since we're the closest she has to a family, I think that's reason enough." Jeremy walked towards Lindsey, pulling the book away from her. "These days, policies get broken every fucking minute, so you don't have to pull these out." Jeremy threw the book, which looks to me as a student's hand book, to the couch and just walked back to where he was standing on a minute ago. 

Lindsey crossed her arms and sighed, I think she's just got no choice but to say yes. 

"alright, I'll only agree to it if the dean permits it." 

"honestly do we still need their permission?" I asked, I think it's really ridiculous, what students and professors do outside the university is already none of their business. "It's not like living with you guys will give me high grades, it's not like you're showing me favoritismor whatever." 

Lindsey tilted her head and smirked. "this.." pointing to me and Jeremy back and forth "..is already favoritism." 

Lindsey walked back to her seat and sat down, putting her phone out from her drawer. 

"Jeremy you're supposed to ask me first before giving Tegan any options here, and Tegan. I hope you're not mad at me but I'm also trying not lose our job.. okay?" Lindsey shook her head as she type on her phone. "I need to ask permission first." Lindsey then placed her phone on her ears, obviouasly callling someone; "If he says yes then we're good." 

"who is she calling?" I asked Jeremy. 

"just wait." Jeremy said. 

"Hi uncle Mike?" Lindsey said, standing up. 

"who's 'uncle mike'?" I asked again, getting all confused on this again. 

Jeremy just smiled. "The dean." Oh shit. Now the dean's her uncle? I'm not sure if that's another reason to stay away from people at this college. 

Jeremy and I just sat there as Lindsey and the dean talk over the phone, Lindsey's been walking back and forth, inaudible and not looking all too happy at all and it's making me nervous. 

And as soon as Lindsey got off the phone, she approached us, shaking her head. how'd it go?" Jeremy asked, all anxious. 

"well.." Lindsey sighed; "he said Yes." Lindsey was rather in disbelief, but I really can't blame her. 

_wow._

Now that we get a go signal, I'm starting to think if this was a good idea in the first place. 


	18. Chapter 18

“This place is huge...” I said, looking around the empty bedroom, as Lindsey and Jeremy let me in. We got so excited about moving in together that they actually wanted to give me a tour right away. I haven’t called Sara about it, I’m having mixed feelings about how she’ll react, but I’m sure she’s all about my safety. 

“you can actually fit another king size bed in here, so if you know someone who wants to rent outside University lot, you can share the space and rent.” Lindsey said as she walk across the room. 

“or you can ask Sara to move in.” Jeremy said, smiling as he cross his arms, leaning by the door sill. 

I shot him a rather awkward look, but I was actually getting all giddy inside, that would be much easier for me if she stays in here, I guess I can offer this if I get the chance. 

“well, do you think, considering Sara’s profession that she would ‘rent’ a house with 3 other people?” Lindsey asked; makes sense though- I’m sure Sara can afford to rent on her own, or maybe even buy a house if she’s so interested in moving to LA. 

“that’s possible.. I mean Sara’s not that ‘picky’, though she values privacy, she doesn’t really care as long as you don’t meddle with her business.” I said, walking over towards the window. 

The view looks great, not too crowded by the other big houses around, and the lot actually has trees around, so it’s pretty breezy in here, despite the dry weather. I’m in love with the place already, and I haven’t even seen the rest of the house yet. 

“well that’s going to be a problem cause we’re a bunch of gossip folks.. kidding. But yeah, we don’t really stick our noses up other people’s business, unless we’re invited to say our views on it.” 

Lindsey’s right, I know they couldn’t care less, but if I needed someone to talk to, they’re always ready to listen. 

“so.. what do you think of the room?” Jeremy asked. 

“I like it..” I said, turning to him. “just a few paint jobs on this room and everything’s perfect. 

“and by the way, you have your own closet and bathroom,” Lindse4y pointed over to the 2 doors at the other end of the room. “so, everything you need is in the room. We also have cable and phone plugs installed, so.. really all you need to do is move in.” 

I nodded, as I roam my eyes around, getting a good picture of the room in my head. “I’m going for it.. there’s just one person I need to talk to though.” 

_Dad._

“just tell us when you’re planning to move in so we can prepare the lease, okay?” Lindsey added. 

“okay.. I’ll let you know once the advance and the deposit is ready.” I ‘m sure it’ll take time before dad approves of this—and sure enough, he’s gonna come in here any day to look at the place. 

“also if you need any help or endorsement from the dean, we’ll be glad to help if your dad seems a little.. ‘worried’” Jeremy reminded. 

“Thanks, that will be really helpful.. but we’ll see if I can probably just talk him into it” As we all got out of the room, I was already creating the interiors in my head—I’m just so excited for this and I can’t wait till I move in with them, and I’m sure this will really benefit me is so many ways. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

By the time Jeremy and LIndsey made the offer, I have honeslty, almost forogot about my current issues about my dorm--- I still technically live here, so I can't be too careful still. On my way back to the university I stopped over a hardware store and bought some deadlocks and an additional bolt lock and chain. Now I think if anyone tries to get into my room, my housemates would definitely hear the culprit break into these locks. 

When I arrived at the dorm, Jen was just right outside the house, on her ipod, sitting on the landing. I parked on my usual spot and almost hesitated in getting out until she decides to get inside-- I'm trying, by all means, to avoid being alone with her especially that there's really nothing left to talk about but the break in, or if it isn't while we're working out. I don't really want to make her feel ambushed. 

Looking like I have no other choice, and seeming like Jen is really not getting inside for some reason, I collected my stuff and got out of my car, dragging with me a nervous chest and a blank mind. I have no idea how else I'd approach her, but I just reached for my house keys to keep me busy while I walk to avoid having to catch her eye while I was approaching. 

"hey there Mayweather." Jen greeted as I step on to the gutter from the pedestrian. 

"what's up?" I asked, getting up on the concrete stairway. 

"not much, I just happened to have forgotten my keys." Jen said, pulling out her ear buds as she stand up. 

"how convenient." I said, pulling mine out. 

"and I could not have forgotten it in a more perfect time when there's no one else home." 

I chuckled as I twisted the keys from the hole, trying my hardest to stop myself from talking about the footage. 

"so.. I see you dropped by the hardware store?" Jen said, probably noticing the brown bag with the store's logo. "I pushed the door open and got in, holding the door open for Jen.

"yup.. had to buy me some good quality locks. If these won't stop them I don't know what else will." Jen shook her head, smiling as she get in. I locekd the doors back as soon as she settled into the stairs. 

"need help putting those on?" she asked. I turned around after locking the doors and saw her getting up on the stairs. 

I froze from where I was standing-- for some reason, having a good vantage point and a view of her ass as she got up the stairs, I had this weird feeling crawling up on my head-- and my crotch. 

oh shit. 

There's just no way I'm feeling this towards her, no fucking way. 

I shook my head, brushing away any malicious thoughts I had as I try to forget just how sexy she looked in those gym shorts-- I mean there's no denying how fucking sexy she was, but the way that this has an effect on me is the last thing I wanted to happen. Not that I was thinking of cheating on Sara with Jen, but my core is urging me to want to know how would it be like to feel Jen's body against mine. Again, I'm trying to brush the thought away. 

I swallowed as I closed my jaw-- trying not to drool from what I just saw-- "yeah.. sure.. do you.. have a drill though?" I asked, feeling the bullets on my forehead slipping down towards my face. 

"yeah, I'll go get them from the store room.. just prepare the screws and the locks and I'll drill the hole for you, k?" she said, getting down from the stairs. 

"okay." I said breathily. I'm not sure if she noticed, but she gave me that look again, as if she knew what I was thinking of right that very minute. 

I ran up as soon as Jen left, and went to my bathroom to wash my face. I threw my stuff on top of the bed and ran quickly towards the vanity-- I stared at the flushed expression of my reflection and opened the faucet to let the cold water run, dipping my hands and gathering the water, throwing onto my face. 

I sighed after I splashed enough water; I shook my head and stared at myself once again. not Jen.. not Jen.. not Jen.. 

I wiped my face dry right after, and then started removing the locks from the packaging and carefully placed them separately on the floor beside the door while I waited for Jen to come up. 

I cannot believe myself right now; of all the other hot girls in the university, I didn't think I'd feel this weird around her-- I hope this doesn't change anything. 

_it's just a crush, it's just a crush._

Nothing could have prepared me for this, but I guess right at this moment all I can think of is to be with Sara, I realize that this can never be more than what I feel towards her and I'm sure that's more than enough to get me through this infatuation. 

I sat on the wooden floor, right in the middle of the door and faced the frame, I marked the spots where I wanted the locks installed and just did it on the other 3 locks until Jen arrived. 

"you got an extension chord?" she asked, sitting beside me as she drop her bag on the floor, holding the drill. 

"not sure, hang on." I basically crawled on my knees on my way to my drawer, feeling a little to lazy to stand. I pulled the extension chord from the drawer and loosened them up, throwing the other end to Jen. 

"wear these." reaching out to me a pair of noise cancelling head phones and a face mask. 

I took them as soon as I plugged the extension chord on, joining Jen on the door sil again.

"help me put these on." She said, unrolling a plastic sheet

"what's that for? you're not gonna kill me are you?" It was like a scene from a psycho killer movie, a drill gun, gloves, face masks, goggles --- all in that big bag she brought up with her. 

"no. unless you want me to." I just shook my head as jen pull out a big duct tape out of the bag. 

"good, now help me set this up or your room's gonna be filled with dust from the wood, idiot." She pulled the duct tape and bit on it as I approach her and lift the plastic sheet. 

We finished installing the locks from outside and inside the room, the plastic sheets did a good job at isolating the rest of my room, and the cleaning time was down to a minimum which totally saved me about a good hour more to rest before my next class. 

"Thank you so much Jen, I really appreciate the help." I said as we finish cleaning our hands from my bathroom sink. 

"don't mention it.. I mean after what happened, I think the least I can do is make sure your room is safe. we can also ask for a refund of the locks if you'd like." she said, shaking the water off her palms. 

"oh that's alright. I don't think that's necessary." I said as I hand over a hand towel to her. 

"oh yeah, I forgot you're a rich kid all these time." she said, almost laughing. 

It wasn't a funny joke, I hate how people think I'm a spoiled brat and I can buy anything or anyone if I wanted.

"come on, seriously Jen, you too?" I said crossing my arms. 

"sorry." she said, pursing her lips and handing me back the towel. "just so you know though, word's gone out that your dad bought you in." 

I sighed. "no shit." I walked out, feeling a little fed up from all these "I'm not surprised that my professors are gonna start giving me a hard time from now on. just how pathetic can these gossip folks get?" I said, sitting on my bed. 

"well.. just keep in mind that not all of them will give you a hard time, remember that not everyone's principle in this university is same as yours. some are going to kiss your ass, some are going to kick it. so choose your friends wisely, Quin. Not everyone you care about feels the same way." I'm sure Jen learned that the hard way. the way she got lost in her own words and how her mood drifted, kind of gave it away. I never really saw her with "friends", maybe she was too busy, or maybe she's just the type who doesn't trust a lot of people.

"anyway.. I'll be in my room if you need anything." 

"Thanks.. Jen.' I said as she slowly walk away. 

"no problem." she said, not looking back as she continue to walk down the hallway towards her bedroom door.


	19. Chapter 19

****

**SARA POV**

“wow, BelAir? Gosh, I used to live in a cottage when I studied in Vancouver...” I poured another mug of coffee, I have to admit it, kids these days are way too spoiled—though Tegan at some point is used to that kind of lifestyle, I really can’t blame her, cause despite growing up in a rather high class environment, she was still grounded. 

“nah, it’s one of those reasonably small houses rented out by owners, not that flashy.”

“I see.. did you already tell your dad about this?” I’m sure Tegan may need my help just in case she doesn’t convince Bob. I’m glad Tegan is moving out of the dorm, but something about this gesture doesn’t seem right—the whole Lindsey thing is quite worrying me.

“actually, I haven’t. But I will definitely talk to him about it on Friday.” Oh yeah, I’ll be seeing them again on Friday—how can I forget about that. 

“alright.. I’ll ask him out on Friday night so we can all talk about it over dinner.” Even if Tegan doesn’t ask it, I know she needed a bit of my help in getting permission from Bob, the only thing that bothers me is that it may be hard for us to explain why she wanted to move out.

“oh my God, thank you so much! That will help a lot.. do you also want to sleep over our house while you’re at it though?” The hair at the back of my neck raised to the invitation; it’s as if I’m being invited to have a family dinner with my girlfriend, only this time, I’m actually being invited to a feast with my own relatives. 

“I would love to.. do you think we should also invite Rose and Courtney?” I offered to invite our other cousins over—which sounded kind of awkward, at some point. I know Tegan wanted to be alone, but I think it would be too unfair if Rose and Courtney won’t come. 

“Courtney’s probably not going, since she rarely comes home if it’s not a holiday.” 

“Oh, okay.. so just Rose maybe?” I asked. 

“yeah, I’ll call her to check her schedule..”

And just as I was supposed to respond to Tegan, my work phone just rang—“Hey, Tee I have an incoming on my other line, can you hold on for a sec.?” 

“Sure!” 

“Hello” 

“Sara?” from the unknown number, I heard Emily’s voice on the other line. How could I not realize that answering to these numbers is never a good idea?

“yes, what can I do for you?” I said, trying to sound stiff as I sit up from the couch, nudging the seams of my night gown from my knees. 

“I’m outside your house..” 

Fuck you Emy, just fuck you. 

 

\------

 

I had to tell Tegan that I have an emergency with a patient that I have to attend to just so I can shoo Emy away—she always have a knack for ruining a perfectly fine day—imagine as you are about to end a really good day by talking to your girl on the phone, and then your ex invades your home; that’s just fucking unbelievable. I hope she has a good reason for coming here, though I highly doubt she’s here for my benefit. 

“what do you want? It’s already 11.” I said, peeking through the small opening of the door, as the door chain pull the door in as she tried to push her way in. 

“I need to talk to you, Sara.. please open this.” 

I jut let Emy's weight on the door, as I watch as she struggle to still push it in. 

"you can say what you want to say right from where you're standing, Emy." I sighed. "and you do understand that you're intruding my house by forcefully getting through my door. 

"Sara please, I need privacy, there's people walking in and out of this corridor, PLEASE." Emy said. 

To my annoyance, and to just not want anything else to do with her, I just pushed the door back and closed it. "Just call me tomorrow, I need to go to bed, Emily. goodnight." 

I locked the doors, and made sure that 

and made sure that I leave no bolt unlocked. 

But just as I was about to walk away, my phone rang from Emy again.

"Go home Emily." I said as I pick the call up.

"Sara there's just something really important I need to tell you." 

"just fucking say it." I said. 

"We're pregnant." 

I froze from where I was standing-- I didn't know that Emy was still trying. I was in shock, and at that moment, I felt a stream of different emotions going inside me-- I was happy, but I was mad at the situation not happening earlier on beofore I decided on the separation.

I slowly unlocked my door, and just let the door swing open, as Emy and I drop our phones. Emy was crying, and she looks tired and just wasted. 

“come in.” I said, making way for Emy to get inside my apartment. This was the first time I acted so calmed and scared of hurting her “Take a seat” 

Emy sighed and sat on my couch as she wipes her tears of. “I just found out today.” She said, looking up at me. 

I just nodded, crossed my arms and sat beside her. I was speechless, and I don’t know the right words to say—it couldn’t have come at a worst time, in the middle of this divorce, Emy still had the audacity to have the clinic do the insemination. 

“how long have you been pregnant?” I asked, just looking straight. 

“I haven’t been to the doctor for the ultrasound, but last time I went to the clinic to do it was about 4 months ago.” Emy said, her voice breaking. 

“I left Montreal 6 months ago. And I filed for divorce 2 months after I left. Why did you still do it?” I asked, this time looking furiously at her. Part of me wants to strangle her for not telling me this—then again, I must ask myself, would it make a difference? Would I not file for the separation if I knew she conceived? 

After failed attempts of getting pregnant for 2 years of being together, Emy and I just practically gave up. I was not healthy enough to carry a baby, as I suffered a miscarriage after a sensitive pregnancy that almost cost me my life, Emy was having a hard time conceiving as well, failing 3 times. We have come to accept that it wasn’t just meant for us. Adoption was never really an option—we wanted a child of our own, from our own blood. 

“I was desperate. I told you would have done anything to get you back, right?” Emy said, still trying to stop herself from crying. 

“I tried checking, in about 3 weeks after that… but results came negative, and I just… gave up on myself.” Emy bowed down, shaking her head—she seemd like she was confused too, and also just as flustered as I was. 

“I swore to God when I started with the morning sickness I didn’t know, and the delayed periods… I’ve been irregular since I was 13, you know that.” She looked up at me, as if she was begging for help—I knew she needed me beside her—the rollercoaster of emotions and the stress, paired with regular cramps, I know exactly what she was going through. 

“please say something.” Emy said.

I just smiled at her, as I tear up. I was, for the longest time, happy to hear from Emy. But so many things are going through my mind right now. 

“I don’t know what to say..” I just looked down at Emy’s stomach, trying to imagine how big the baby was inside her, and how beautiful the baby would be when she gives birth. Emy knows I’m happy about the baby, and I could not want anything more in the world, but I just can’t come to celebrate after all the hurt she caused me, after all the things we said to eachother—not to emntion I don’t want to have to do anything with her anymore—it’s a little confusing to me still. 

"We're finally having a baby Sara.." Emy smiled, and I couldn't help but cry too. 

And during that helpless moment, Emy took me into her arms, embracing me tight as I fight myself from crying, but to my surprise, I was hugging her back. 

For once in 3 months that I've been fighting this legal battle with her, here she is, in my living room with a bun in the oven. I don't know what to say, but I'm glad that we're finally having a baby; there may be a doubt in me, I wanted to still know if it was from the same donor that I chose, proceeded by the same clinic that we are both signed with. 

After all of it, then I can already tell my family about the news-- including Tegan. 

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Friday**

 

"It's nothing I never expected, actually." Tegan said, throwing the stress ball up in the air while she was lying down on the couch, her ankles crossed and on top of the arm rest. "besides I wanted to avoid getting close to anyone as much as possible." 

 

I crossed my legs and pursed my lips, waiting for Tegan to follow up with a but, however, she did not. 

 

"So that's it? you don't want to meet new friends on your first year in college? that's pretty sad." I said, trying as much as I can to not offend her by sounding a bit demanding. 

 

"Well.. I'm happy with everything right now.. besides I have everything I need right here." I looked at her, peeking from the top of my clip board; she was now looking at me, squeezing the stressball on her hand, smiling at me. "I don't need new friends."

 

I pushed my clipboard down to my lap, and sat up straight, as I look Tegan right in the eye. "Sweetheart.. you have to understand... that it's important for you to have a life outside--- THIS." I said, resting an elbow on the arm rest as I think of a way to tell it that won't make me sound harsh. Tegan just sighed and cut her eyes at me-- I feel like this is more of a wake up call for her, that I'm not her girlfriend, and that whatever it is we're doing is just an unusual call of attraction and that we need to control it. It's not like we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together. "remember that we're not always together." I followed up. "you might, for some reason, get bored, or feel like.. I suffocate you.." 

 

Tegan sat up, and raised her legs on top of the couch. She just nodded, not looking at me as she still play with the stress ball; "I understand.. it's just that.. I can't find someone I can share my interests with.. I mean, Amy is one, but come on, She's in a fuckin sorority now." Tegan threw me the stress ball, and I luckily caught it with ease. 

 

"And that's exactly why you need new friends. get yourself in a club, or befriend your dorm mates." I am currently not mentioning anything about Lindsey or Jeremy-- for some reason, something actually doens't feel right-- though considering that Lindsey and Jeremy being well off themselves, and would probably not use Tegan for anything that involves extorting her with money, I still feel something a little off about them.

 

"do you really think I should make new friends?" Tegan asked, as I throw the stressball back to her. She catches it and then puts it down beside her on the couch, and proceeding to rest her elbows on her knees as she stare at my office floor.

 

I just nodded to her question as I smile, reassuring her that it's the best idea to keep her mind off the stress. Tegan looked up at me and smiled back, giving me that look in her eye that tells me "no", though she just nodded, her stance was rather worried, and seemingly uneasy. "I'll try" She said. 

 

For this past week I've been trying to study my notes about her and Bob, I'm starting to see a pattern-- a pattern of behavior so similar, that I almost laughed to myself thinking that there's just no doubt they're father and daughter. The lack of interaction with strangers that are potentially good friends, keeping a level of privacy that's, well.. too introverted-- relieving stress through physical activity causing fatigue and further stress-- it's not helping her out. 

 

"and if you would consider... slowly reducing your workouts, that would be great." I said. 

 

Tegan shifted, and raised an eyebrow from my suggestion. "what do you mean?" she asked.

 

I sighed, putting down my clipboard on the coffee table. I approached Tegan and lightly squeezed her arm. 

 

"OW!" she exclaimed, jerking and pulling her self away, biting her lower lip. 

 

I knew it. 

 

"Tegan, physical activity is okay for a stressed person, as long as it does not exhaust them too much or if it's done in a rather, pleasing environment." Her frown slowly faded, and started to loosen up as she figure what I was trying to say. "you work out in a congested gym with other students for more than 2 hours a day, 4 times a week. you're not an athlete, at least 30 mins a day, 3 times a week is okay for you.. who did this plan? Jen?" 

 

Tegan nodded. 

 

"She's a student for God's sake, did you not consult a University physician for this?" 

 

Tegan shook her head. 

 

I sighed. 

 

"How did you even know that would hurt?" She asked, looking up at me while she rest her back on the couch. 

 

"I didn't." I stood and sat back on my chair, facing her again as I take my clipboard back. "judging by your schedule, and the way you can't keep yourself in one position already tells me you're fatigued, and stressed."

 

Tegan bowed her head and just sighed, looking as if I caught her in some awkward situation. 

 

"by the way.. does Jen have any close friends?" I asked.

 

Tegan rather looked surprised thaqt I even asked. 

 

"not a lot.. why?" 

 

"Maybe.. just maybe.. she likes spending time with you, but I can be wrong...if she doesn't have a lot of friends, why don't you go ahead and talk to her about.. hanging out? I mean outside the gym." I'm trying-- REALLY hard, not to come off as if asking Tegan to ask her out on a date. 

 

"well.. we hang out.. at the dorm, or for milkshakes." I feel like because of the restrictions on the footage, that Tegan is finding it hard to be "friends" with this kid. 

 

"okay.. well.. I have a proposal." I sat up straight, preparing myself for whatever reaction Tegan may have for this crazy idea I have in my head. 

 

"what is it?" she asked. 

 

"I can go visit you at the university one day next week, and I can talk to Jen or the physical ed administration so you can change your gym itenerary-- you said that if you enroll to a plan, you have to follow it or drop it, right? I'm your doctor so I think it won't be hard for us to provide a medical certificate. This will keep you off stress, that way you have more time for your friends.. or maybe join a club." 

 

That's the best I could offer at the moment. I cannot drug her-- I don't want to drug her. I'm concerned about her safety and how it would affect her studies, or even her driving if I prescribe her with poppers; not to mention college being the gateway to drug use. I don't want her to be involved-- even unintentionally-- with any of that. 

 

"come on.. you don't have to talk to them. I can just pass the certificate and you can give them a written request, or just call it in. I don't want to hassle you like that." By the sound of it, Tegan seem a little scared of my little plan; but I'm not even sure if she's all for my convenience. 

 

"I insist. I want to make sure they make immediate action on it, not wait for a few more weeks before they consider it." 

 

I know this all started as an intervention for Tegan coming out as Gay, but I have completely turned into a legitimate shrink on the duty. She was just too burned out; from her dad's separation anxiety, her coming out, her best friend leaving her, her schoolmates keeping distant, her bike and her room -- even her projects-- getting trashed in a matter of few weeks-- it's all too much for her frail mind to take, she definitely needs a rest from all of it. 

 

"fine.. I guess that would help. at least I have more time to work on my projects again." 

 

She sounded like she didn't have any choice-- she doesn't. It's all for her good anyway, and besides, getting a bit close to Jen would most likely help her in getting access to those cctv footage. I'm surprised she kept them from Tegan all this time, knowing that she might have already seen who did it and she's just trying to conceal this person's violations-- might be someone close to her, I guess we'll only know once Jen decided to show them. 

 

"And I think, you know my intentions are, apart from you keeping yourself company to keep it together.." I said. 

 

Tegan nodded. "I know.. I still can't believe she hasn't shown me the videos yet." Tegan's jaw tightened-- and there goes her temper again. 

 

"don't worry, she'll come around." I wanna assure Tegan I'll squeeze the hell out of Jen's brains once I talk to her next week-- I'm sure people like her can't take mental torture-- but I can't just raise her hopes up just yet. 

 

"ha, you wish.. she's a pretty tough one to break." Tegan shook her head at that. and then stood up. I just watched as she look around my office-- again she's being uneasy. 

 

"That's why I don't know if I can even try befriending her, cause apart from being a gym instructor and a dorm keeper, she's just nothing but a ball of boring life. she's stiff. she doesn't even joke." she leaned on the wall beside the bookshelf and crossed her arms as she look my way across the room. 

 

I can see how afraid she is in making new friends, and evenn during the time when I introduced her to my attourney she couldn't quite find a resting spot for her anxiety, adn she just couldn't keep it aside. I understand that at some point, even after tons of therapy and treatment for the distress caused by the unfortunate incidents on her life at an early age, that there's a part of this wound that will never heal for her. In time, I guess, but not any time soon. 

 

"you have to get in her head, Tegan. give her gifts, compliment her-- that stuff." 

 

"what if.. I can't find anything to compliment her for?"

 

"a white lie here and there does not hurt. At least that's what I feel." white lies. I'm a good liar. I feel like my ability to conceal the truth and keep secrets in a very believable way is my best skill if I were to become a lawyer. I should have just become a lawyer. Emy would agree. 

 

_Emily._

 

I felt as if my blood came rushing to my head as I recall what had just happened to Emy. I look up at Tegan and stared at her-- trying to make myself forget Emy for a moment now that I'm with Tegan again. 

 

"I guess that's.. hard.. I'm a pretty straight forward person." Tegan said, standing still from her spot beside the book shelf. 

 

I sighed ande just shook the thought Emy nd her pregnancy away-- and stood up. "you and me both." I said, approaching 

Tegan.

 

She smiled at me as she loosen up, reaching out for me. "It's pretty hard hiding all this desire I have for you.. I'm sure you feel the same too." 

 

I just gave her a grin as I flush-- yet again. She always does this, she never fail to make me feel like a teenager again and she does it righ all the time. "yeah.. I'm afraid." I said as she pull me in and our bodies press on eachother. 

 

It was 16 degrees this afternoon in early october but I'm fucking sweating all over from Tegan's touch-- this is just crazy. 

 

Her hands on my back slowly slipped down to my ass, grabbing onto them as she push me further onto her. 

 

"you don't find that cocky?" She asked, resting her forehead on mine as I dug my nails on her back outside her shirt. I can feel her straps through the thin clothed shirt she has on, and I'm now my hands are itching to go under her shirt and snap off the hooks of her bra. 

 

I shook my head and just gave her a smile before she planted a sloppy kiss on my lips-- sending my head spining again as early as an hour of having her around in my clinic. I saw this coming-- I actually fantasized about it a hundred times and I could have sworn it was nowhere as wholesome as this. 

 

"I actually find it very attractive for someone your age." I said, mumbling through the kiss as she roam her curious little hands all over my chest. 

 

We were both almost losing our heads from this moment-- missing each other for a week has never felt this frustrating, to think that this was our only time alone, I know we're not wasting any given minute. 

 

 

But just as I was about to lift her shirt up, my alarm went off. 

 

Tegan paused in surprise, looking up at me as she breathe heavily.

 

"Session's over." I said, as I slowly pull away from Tegan.

 

This is exactly what I needed after all the stress Emy's pregnancy has caused me; even if I was suffering from loss of interest with Tegan for a little bit, she reminded me again why I wanted her in the first place. 

 

This is such a roller coaster for me, and I might need my own therapy after all of this. 

 


	20. Chapter 20

Bob, Tegan and I drove on our separate cars over to their house that evening, both Tegan and I couldn't look directly at each other, feeling awkward from what we just did. All bob knew was that we were busy getting her straightened out, but in reality she and I were making out. I couldn't help but smile to myself, recalling the scenes in my head as I drive along the convoy, on the way to their house.

 

We reached their Villa and parked our cars one by one, Bob got out first, and I followed as soon as Tegan opened her car door. Their maids and a few of their workers welcomed her home, as we enter their patio, and to my surprise, Brenda was there already too.

 

"Oh Tegan sweetie, how's college?" She said in s much enthusiasm as she reached out for a hug.

 

Tegan shot me look and gave me a rather awkward smile as she get squished by my Mom, almost pressing her body in like a pillow.

 

"Everything's been great." Tegan said as soon as Brenda loosened her up.

 

"Oh, you're getting thinner, have you been eating properly? or are you stressed or anything?" She asked as we walk towards the living room-- I just pursed my lips trying to conceal my laughter, and crossed my arms, clutching my coat and hand bag.

 

"Give her a break mom, she just finished therapy, we've talked too much about school and stuff.. so.. leave it." I said, facing them as I walk past. Tegan just smiled at me

 

Thank You; she mouthed as Mom sigh and face me. "fine" she said. "I'm just glad you're home again. and doing great in college."  she added, facing Tegan and rubbing her arm.

 

"Anyway I'm cooking dinner" I cringed. We all know how much we don't like her home cooked meals-- we'd rather have pizza. "Sara, wanna help?" she asked before she decided to turn and leave us at the living room.

 

"Please take over the kitchen, I'm begging you." Tegan immediately said as Brenda was out of sight.

 

"Oh I will.." I said, removing my cardigan, as quickly as I could to get mom to leave the kitchen alone.

 

"Need help?" Tegan asked as she put her weekend bag down on the couch.

 

I just nodded as I drop my bags too. There's no way we're going to let mom ruin dinner-- she's vegan, and we're all healthy eaters, but she just doesn't have the tongue for a good tasting vegan dinner.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"Mom, how was work?" I asked her as we help out in the kitchen, Tegan washing the Kale while I slice some carrots.

 

"oh.. stressful as usual.my crazy patient was back in town, and she took half of my day checking her newly vajazzled baby pot."

"a what?!" I said as I cringed to the thought of a pregnant woman with a bejeweled fanny, how is that even going to work for her benefit if she's got a bump covering it? "that is so unappealing to be honest, I don't think pregnant women should act like their singles selves when they've got a baby on the way."

"yeah.. says the ex wife of a pregnant woman."

she said what?

I cannot believe what I just heard-- I darted mom a furious look and quickly looked around, trying to see if Tegan was even listening.

"Tegan will you excuse me and mom for a sec?" I said, but Tegan wasn't responding, and I swear I almost cried in relief that we weren't audible from her side of the kitchen-- that was really, really close.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

"When were you planning to tell me? when she already gives birth?" She strode from one end of the backyard patio to the other, as she shake in anger for having to hear the news from Emy herself.  I had to leave Tegan in the kitchen so Brenda can scold me, and I don't plan on telling Tegan like this.

 

"Mom, I just found out this Tuesday. I was too busy to even take care of it, and besides I haven't verified it with the clinic yet."  I said as I cross my arms, keeping my cool and trying my hardest not to come off mad. I wish Emy had given me this chance and not take control of the situation.

 

My mom's been pushing me to have a kid. I understand why she's this upset, because she wants to be part of the child's growth, and wants to make sure that Emy or I will be in our best condition when we concieve. She's an OB GYN, and she's definitely the best person for the job-- I wouldn't have trusted Emy to anyone. She knows the country's best pediatricians, and she would make sure she gives this kid the best attention it will need.

 

"mom, look.. I know you're excited and all, but don't keep your hopes up. Emy and I might not raise this kid together." I said.

 

Brenda paused, and looked at me with complete worry. "I know. that's why I'm this scared, Sara."

 

"Don't be. My attorney has prepared everything, custody and child support, it's all going to be taken cared of just in case Emy demands them."

 

This is going to be her first grandchild, and the jitters is normal but it's a little too annoying-- the last thing I need is a nervous wreck of a mom.

 

"that's not what I'm worried about, Jesus Christ-- the child's going to grow up in a broken family, let alone she's a product of gay parents-- you know how cruel this world can be to people like you and their children, I don't want the same thing to happen to my first grandchild."

 

She's starting to sound like Bob already.

 

"Mom, don't make me sign you up for gay parent counseling. you've been dealing with my "gay"-ness since I was a kid, come on. this shouldn't feel different to you."

 

I approached her, trying to get close to her so to keep our voices down.

 

"and besides.." letting out a sigh, I tried to come up with a better way to break it to her without hurting her. "with the divorce finalized, the baby is no longer legally my child."

 

Brenda looked rather flustered-- she was pale and she looked as if she was about to cry. I hate to have to say it to her, but there's really just no right time to say this but now.

 

"look, mom..Emy did it after I filed for divorce. so it's technically her choice and not "ours". But this I promise you..  I'll have my own child someday. soon." I held Brenda and gave her a really tight hug as she try to stop herself from crying.

 

"Oh Sara, you're not getting any younger."

 

"I know.." I said, rubbing her back as I feel regret run through my head. She barely even know how I fought for my life the last time I tried to get pregnant. I don't want to disappoint her, and I don't know if I can manage to fail her again. I've made so many bad decisions in my life and she was always there to help me get up, and the least I can do is to give her a grandchild she can see grow up to be a beautiful, intelligent person just like her.

 

"But I have to take a lot of things into consideration, Mom." Brenda pulled away, wiping her tears as she try to smile.

 

"I trust you, baby. having to leave your relationship with Emy and getting out of your comfort zone after so many years is going to be really challenging, but I know you can make it. we will raise your kid together, and our family will always be accepting of you. okay?"

 

I just nodded as she held my face, as many things go on inside my head that I wanted to just tell her, but it would devastate her to hear that I can no longer bear a child without having to risk myself, not to mention that I may have a bigger problem if ever we find out the eggs used weren't even mine.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Tegan**

 After dinner was prepared, we all sat down together in the dining hall, Rose was there as well as Aunt Jen, her husband Uncle Dom, but no Courtney in sight-- Sara was right, she woulnd't come home if it weren't a holiday. I'm sure she's busy with her boyfriend.

I sat beside Sara on the long table, with Dad in the middle and Aunt Brenda sitting right across Sara. Mom usual spot has always been vacant-- with a plate and utensils still set there for her, even if we know no one's going to sit in there, we all feel like she's with us on times like this. Weird I know, but those little things remind us that we can never forget such a good person with a beautiful soul. I smile as I stare pensively on her seat, recalling how we all used to dine together so happily. 

As I was slowly getting lost in the memory, I felt Sara's hand slip over my thigh from under the table, and I suddenly felt as if I was back on earth again. I sighed and just turned to Sara as I fight back tears-- I just smiled at her and slowly shifted back to my hand on the table. 

We proceeded with dinner after Dad said grace, and God, did Aunt Jen and Brenda hounded me about stuff in college. There wasn't much to talk about, but it's a good thing to slightly slip in the dorm situation. 

"So any news about that Hunter kid?" Dad asked as after he finish off his plate. I swallowed and just prepared for the innevitable-- "uhm.. I heard his suspension was extended." Dad smiled.

"you didn't do any of that, right?" I asked him. 

Dad's smile turned into a devilish grin--I knew that was what he needed to hear. "No.. I didn't."

I frowned and asked myself how it can happen if Dad didn't really pull any strings to kick him out. "If that was me, it's gonna be worse than suspension, trust me. he's lucky I listened to you. He owes you his career." I just rolled my eyes on Dad.

He's still the evil douchebag I know of him, but I'm glad that when it comes to me, he becomes a tame angel. I hope it's the same when I tell him I'm moving out of the school lot. 

"Come on, it's not like he did something to ruin my life... well.. come to think of it, I guess he did." It crossed mt mind a hundred times that it could be Hunter's friends who trashed my dorm, but for that person to get inside the dorm easily, and unnoticed, they would have to either be from the dorm itself, or the people in there know them-- it can only be Amy. 

"I mean he punched you.. he 'harassed' Sara --sort of-- and he practically cheated on Amy, so... he's messing with the people you care about, that's more than enough to ruin you.. right?" I can't believe Dad is bringing this up over dinner.

"yeah. that's true." I said, slowly looking over at Sara. She just bowed her head down, maybe wanting to shut Dad up. 

"Tegan, your dad is just protecting you.. and Sara.. don't forget that." Aunt Jen said. "whatever he does, he's doing it for your own good." I feel like the holy grail here-- why are people so eager to 'protect' me, I'll never know. I just nodded, and looked back at dad as he gently smile at me.

"by the way Bob, Tegan and I have something really important to tell you..." Sara said out of the blue, sending me chills as I think about how he'll respond to my decision in moving out. 

"what is it sweetie?" Dad asked, as he rest his elbows on the table, catching his chin from his clenched palms. 

"Tegan and I talked about it already, and we weighed in on the pros and cons of it-- she.. she's planning to move out of the dorm." 

What was left of dad's slight smile during dinner all turned upside down-- he sighed and sat back-- his usual gesture when he's nervous. 

"why would you move out?" He asked as he cross his arms. 

Sara and I looked at eachother, and Sara immediately answered with "for her security."

_No... please don't say it._

"she uhh.." I just stared at Sara, signalling her not to tell Dad about my room raiders. "she was told by her adviser to.. to.. move out of the school lot to avoid any... uhm.. any more bullying from.. Hunter's frat boys." she said nervously-- I've never heard her stutter like that-- she's right, she really is a bad liar. 

Dad raised an eyebrow as he lean his elbows on the table again, I sighed to the sight of him relaxing-- I think he's buying it. 

"and where exactly are you moving in?" Aunt Jen asked.

"uhm.. in Bel-air.." I swallowed again, just hoping as I clench my hands on the table cloth that he's gonna approve it.

"who are you gonna live with?" Aunt Brenda added. 

I'm sensing a little bit of approval in dad's face as he glance over to my moms sisters, but I think he's still holding it back.. 

_please just say yes.._

"2 of my professors.. they offered the room to me, we have an endorsement from the dean too, so all we need is for your consent." I said, as I secretly held on Sara's hand under the table. 

Dad just looked back and forth towards me and Sara, and again let out a sigh. "you're 18.. you can do whatever you want.. why are you still asking for my permission?

I seriously wanted to jump up and down and just hug him, but I'm trying my hardest not to come off too happy about it. "well.. we signed a lease to the dorm and you.. already paid for the whole year didn't you? I mean I want to make sure we're not... breaking any agreements?" 

Dad shook his head and smiled. "Don't worry, it's refundable. let's talk all about it after dinner in my study.." I just smiled back at Dad and gave Sara a quick glance as we prepare for desert. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------- 

After dinner, Aunt Jen, Aunt Brenda and Uncle Dom bid their goodbyes; Rose stayed for the night as agreed, while Sara and I joied Dad in his study to talk about me moving out of the dorm. 

Sara and I were too excited, but we were trying to really keep it proper so as to not overwhelm Dad. 

"So, kiddo, I want to know who these professors are. I want to meet them." Dad said as he pull out his check book from his drawer. Looks like he's ready to give me his 'blessing'

"Well, I'm still off tomorrow, so we can drive down to the university so we can talk to the dorm keeper and then check the house in Bel Air" I said. 

"sounds like a plan.. alrighty then." Dad kept the check book back inside his drawer. "so.. Sara will you come with us?" he added. This is getting better. 

"yes, I can come, besides I have some business with her fitness instructor too.." Sara said, looking at me in approval 

"you sure? do you not have clinic tomorrow?" I asked.

"yeah, I can cancel all appointments for you don't worry." she said. Dad just grinned-- trying to stop a laugh.

"that's really kind of you, but I may not be able to afford you weekend Doctor's fee" he said.

"whatever Bob, I'm not asking you to pay me for tomorrow; think of it as a day out with the _family_ " Sara said, crossing her arms as she sit on the arm rest of the couch I was sitting on. "besides, Tegan's worth it." She added, looking at me as she tap my shoulder. I sighed and just smiled at Dad as I pull down the sleeves of my sweatshirt, trying to conceal my goosbumps, while deep inside I just want to run my hands over Sara's and kiss her right this very minute.

"alright.. I'll go through the details of this move in tomorrow with you professors.. so get some rest.. cut your chit-chat short okay? Rose's got some lacrosse practice tomorrow." Dad said as he stand from his desk.

"alright.." I said as Sara and I stand up too and approach him. "goodnight Dad." I said, then kissing him on the cheek.

"goodnight Bob." Sara said as we both leave his office.

# 


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ooookay, I think some of you are waiting for this, and this is it.. this IS it. Forgive me for any lapses, I wrote this 2 weeks ago and didn't have the chance to go through it. (excuse my smut writing skills, I'm still new to this and I have only done sex scenes like 3 times in my lifetime.. so.. lol, hope someone would enjoy reading this as much as I did writing it.)

"does Bob sleep in the study?" Sara asked as we reach the 2nd floor. 

I just chuckled, it might sound funny, but it's actually his way of coping with his loss. He's still not ready to sleep in their room that he used to share with mom. I can't even last staying inside that room for more than 5 minutes, let alone sleep there. 

"yeah.. there's a doorway to a guest room there, that's where he sleeps." I said, slipping a hand around Sara's waist as we walk towards my room.

Sara shook her head as she rest her hand on my shoulder and said "It's sad how he does that, you know? I can feel it everytime I talk to him during therapy.. it's.. it's becoming painful for me to see." I looked at Sara and just watched her talk as we walk down slowly-- she does look sad, and quite affected more on this than I am.. I guess she's starting to adapt Dad's emotions while I'm slowly getting the hang of it. 

"I'm sorry.." were all I can say. I somehow felt a little embarrassed that that was all I could say to her, so I followed up. "But we really appreaciate you doing all this for us. you have no idea how much you'ver helped me and Dad.. so Thank you.. for everything." We paused, right in front of my bedroom door where Rose is waiting.

Sara smiled at me as we held hands outside my room, I know by the way she was looking at me that she wanted to kiss me--I wanted to kiss her too, since this afternoon-- and I can't wait to get near her again, but with all the many eyes hiding in this house, I don't think this is the right place for us to get any of this going.

I sighed and just pulled one of her hands up to me and kissed it. As I admire the softness of Sara's hands against me, I felt her quickly pull her hands away-- I was about to atest, but she unexpectedly pulled me against her. 

"no.. Thank YOU." she said behind my ears as I feel her. She nestled her face at the arch of my neck and kissed it as she mumble; "I wouldn't have been able to keep it together..from all my worries, if it weren't the hope of holding you like this again."

it feels strange that she was acting like this, she sounds lonely, far from the person I used to see in her. I know she's going through the divorce and all, so I completely understand where she's going thorugh... If I knew better I would think she was going through the same thing my mom did when she and dad were on the verge of a separation.

"is everything okay?" I asked as I caress her back.

I felt Sara sigh, and she slowly loosened up as she face me closely. "everything's perfect when I'm with you." she said. 

"good." I said in that cocky tone that she loves so much, not wanting to sound a little too attached or it might turn her off in a way; "we better get in."

Sara noddedl; I reached for the knob and opened the door, as we both slightly gussied up before entering the room, but as we greet ROse, she was already on my bed, cozied up and snoring.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Sara**

I was about to get in the room, but Tegan blocked my way and turned to me, quickly pulling me away after closing her bedroom door, and lead me down the hallway.

"where are we going?" I asked as Tegan literally dragged me along, her grip on my hand was so tight I just know how excited she was in finding out we're having some time alone. _hormones._

But Tegan didn't answer me, I feel like she knows that I know where we are going and what's about to go down.. or _who_ ; and I'm just trying to play dumb to keep my excitement.

I felt my chest tighten and my breath shorten as the thought of having a private time for us both excites the little teenage girl in me-- there was a bit of hesitance cause we're in her dad's house, but I was more than willing to get it on tonight..

Tegan lead me inside one of the rooms, and as we got in, she quickly turned the dim lights on and locked the door back.

And just as I think this couldn't get any more exciting, I realized that she actually brought me inside their library.. And that minute I knew, that this is gonna get _really_ interesting. 

I didn't want Tegan to slow down after she occupy herself in making sure the door won't just just swing open while we're down on business, so I grabbed her right away as she turn back at me. I quikly jumped into kissing her, eagerly caressing my lips over hers like we've never kissed. I reached for the back of Tegan's head, clenching on a handful of her hair as I gently pull on them; trying to contain myself a little bit. Tegan groaned, leaning her head back as I pull her face away from me. I dove into her neck, kissing the soft flawless skin, giving her love bites and sucking onto it softly as I could, to not leave any marks.

"Oh Sara.." I could barely hear her mumbling-- I was too busy getting lost in the scent of her perfume behind her ears and the taste of her warm, flushed skin. She was red, but not from my kisses, but she was naturally flushing all over-- she was so warm I can tell she almost had a fever, and her voice start to tremble as I lower myself down towards her chest.

I slipped my hands under Tegan's shirt, finding my way to the clasps of her bra-- but she grabbed my arms. 

"not there." she said, barely making her words. 

Tegan lead my hand on top of her chest, and left them on the clasp in front; we both just smiled-- knowing that Tegan came prepared for this. 

"You just know this is about to go down huh?" I said as I slowly open her bra from the front. 

"yeah, and you know I like to get things off easily." she said as her supple breasts bounce off from her bra's support. 

I lifted her shirt as I feel my heartbeat race again from how nervous I was-- Rose was just 2 rooms away, and any loud moan will give us away, so I'm trying to keep myself from just losing it as I completely remove her shirt. 

Tegan pushed herself on me as I lift her arms, finally pulling her sleeves off her. A hand grabbed me by my face this time and landed a kiss on my lips, as another slipped down to my chest once again-- but she didn't last long in there, instead, she found her way down to my bum and pushed my skirt up to my waist.

I breathed in again, my head dizzy from the thought of what she had in mind that very second-- Tegan bent, held on to my ass and carried me up with ease.

"oh.. okay.. be careful" I said, trying to make my words in our kiss as I wrap my legs around Tegan's waist while she carefuilly walk us over to a desk. She was so strong, and I'm getting more turned on than I already am-- but in my mind, I was in complete disbelief that the dreaded resistance training is paying off to my benefit. 

_Jesus, fucking Christ, she's not doing what I just think she is._

Tegan sat me down on top of the desk, our lips still locked and my hands still exploring the beauty of Tegan's curves. Tegan pushed my thighs apart on the desk, bumping some stuff off it as she push her self in between my legs. 

_Now this is more like my fantasies._

Tegan tickled her away over my thighs and quickly found the seams of my panties, and stroked her fingers with ease as they slip effortlessly inside them and on to my warm wet lips, and as I open my eyes to meet the lust in Tegan's face, she started working her fingers on my clit. 

She smiled at me, biting her lips as she add a little bit of tension on her touch, sending my legs to get more stiff and my arms to lean back, bumping more of the things off the desk, including the reading lamp.

"you're making a mess.." she said, teasingly as she quicken her stroke. "keep it down or someone might wake up"

"I'm not even sorry... I can't help that you're driving me crazy." I said, struggling from keeping my voice down.

Tegan's smile faded, and with that, she took her hands away,and swept the things behind me and pushed me back. I lied on my back on top of the desk, as I watch Tegan, hungrily grab my panties and pull them off. 

After one last bite off her lower lip, Tegan spread my legs, exposing my wet flesh, welcoming her as she stare into it with awe. 

"keegles." I said. 

Tegan looked rather impressed, and just chuckled. "she's so beautiful." she said before she dove in and had a mouthful of me. 

"oh my God.." I said as I held on to the corner of my desk with one hand as the other pushed Tegan further onto me. I can feel her warm lips and tounge kissing my pussy with so much desire, that I almost came, right that very second. 

I struggled, as the hard wood sore my lower back, that I could barely keep myself up to watch Tegan eat me right on top of this desk-- This was so wrong, on so many levels but I could not help myself to not fulfill this desire. This is one of the many things I've been dreading to do, and I could not have done it in a better time or place. 

_Thrill seekers, we are._

Tegan gave me another devilish look from down there as she slow down, and just as I was waiting for her to dive back, I felt a finger slide inside with ease. I breathed in and tremble as Tegan slowly fuck me, and I can feel the intensity of her urge right that minute, so I grabbed her wrist and pulled it off me, and picked two of her fingers. Tegan paused in surprise, looking up at me as she breathe heavily, wiping the sides of her mouth, and licking her lips off my juice-- and God, I can pass out from swooning over how sexy that simple gesture was.

As Tegan meet my gaze, she granted my intention and proceeded in fucking me with the two fingers I picked. I wrapped my arms around her as she push herself in and out of me with so much eagerness, trying my hardest not to scream from how good this all feels. I was so wet, and Tegan can see in my face that my body is just asking for more. 

"I've been wanting to do this, Sara.. you have no idea." Tegan said. She looked rather serious, and I can tell that this is more than just lust and the physical attraction, but she looked like she was about to cry-- but that didn't stop her from fucking me. 

"trust me, I can tell from the minute you stepped into my office this afternoon." I said, giving her away. 

"Am I that obvious.. yeah?" SHe asked, as she quicken her pace, making my head spin again. I felt like I was drunk or high on a substance as I clench my hole from feeling every inch of Tegan inside me-- she's just something else-- She makes me feel like my younger self, and I'm not regretting every single bit of it. I couldn't believe that I can find this kind of attraction from my own cousin, let alone someone 15 years my junior. 

I was lost-- literally just staring Tegan right in the eye as if I'm in a trance-- and I couldn't speak, even if I wanted to, I can't make the words up inside my head. 

"Am I doing this right, Sar?" Tegan asked, continously fucking me and God she's not slowing down. 

I just nodded as I feel myself nearing an orgasm

"Tegan.. please.. don't stop." I said, saving my breath.

Tegan didn't hesitate to put another finger inside me, and that was when she started hitting all the right spot; I whimpered, begging Tegan to fuck me more and go faster as she watch me from top of my body.

I struggled to put a hand down on my clit, rubbing it as fast as i could as Tegan continue to fuck me

I could feel my juice and my sweat drip and slip across our skins, and in a second I started to feel the tingle crawl up to my stomach, and slowly on to my head.

Tegan leaned in closer, meeting our lips one more time; I want to feel every inch of her on my skin as I reach this peak, and her kiss is the only thing than can conceal my moans as I explode to my orgasm from both our persistent strokes. 

I could not remember the last time I finished this quick, and I never felt this kind of ferver towards anyone for so long. Tegan was indeed special, and she knows my body like she's my map for years now-- she knows exactly where to touch me, and she knows exactly how I wanted her to move her way inside me. 

My back took one last arch as I pressed my body against Tegan, our hands still pumping endlessly to my climax, enjoying what she's seeing and hearing as I lose myself. 

"Oh Sara.." Tegan called on me as I started to relax, her hands now slowly talking a halt. 

"you're so good at this, kid." I said, smiling at Tegan as she slowly remove her fingers inside me.

"can a kid fuck your brains out like so?" she asked as she bring her tired hand up to her lips, while I sit up. 

I shook my head and said, "No." I sighed from the sight of Tegan looking like a sexy maniac, as she slowly lick her fingers off my juice. 

I just sat there, resting an arm on the table as I watch Tegan relish what remains of my cum on her hands.

"now THIS, is dinner." She said, after licking off the last of it. I just smiled at her as I bit my lip, pulling her by the hand and leading her towards my body again. I then embraced Tegan, burrowing my face on her neck. 

I pushed her further against my body as she wrap her arms around me, as if closing every possible space there is between us. 

"I can't believe I just fucked you in our family library." Tegan said, but not a hint of regret on her voice. 

I continued caressing her back from our embrace, and I was slowly just tracing her back, on the way down to her stomach, and onto between her legs-- I looked up at Tegan, and she stared back at me, her eyes talking as if begging me to fuck her too.

I unzipped her pants, and slowly slipped my hands inside, meeting her supple cheeks and her clit from outside her panties; she breathed in, her head slowly thrown back and her eyes rolling to the back of her head as I fondle her with so much gentleness-- but eager to give back the pleasure.

I ran my fingers over her slit, and as I slowly pull my hands out and proceeded to take her pants off, Tegan suddenly grabbed my hand. 

"wait." she said 

"what's wrong?" I asked as I get a little too worried of her sudden change in mood. 

She looked rather scared and unsure this time, so I held her close, caressing her arms as I try hard to make her feel comfortable

"I'm sorry.. I..." Tegan held on to me tight. She looked up at me and sighed before she spoke, and with THAT face, I already know what's going on. 

"Tegan.." I said, looking at her with all seriousness and a lot of concern running in my hea, but I want to punch a fucking wall this very minute. "it's okay... you can tell me."

Tegan just bit her lip. "I haven't.. I haven't really done it both ways before." She said, looking all embarrassed. 

_I should have known._ So she's a one way lesbian in bed.. no Big deal, but for her to be a virgin is a completely different thing. I wanna hit my face on concreat right now, how could I not have known?

Tegan bit her lip and just bowed down, so I just went ahead and pulled Tegan close again and embraced her; I was mad, at myself maybe, that I was about to take her virginity without even knowing it, and I respect that if she doesn't want to give it to me, or if she's not ready-- I just wish I figured it out earlier. 

#


	22. Chapter 22

**Tegan**

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you... I thought you figured it out." 

Sara and I headed back to my room after we cleaned ourselves and the mess we made, and decided to settle on the duvet covered floor as Rose dominated my bed. We laid together, but couldn't seem to get to touch eachother in fear of Rose waking up on us in each other's arms. We were just facing each other, sharing unruffled stares and smiles as if meaning for another kiss while we were on guard. 

Before I could dare to make any move, Sara pursed her lips as she reach her hand out and caressed my cheeks. 

"it's okay.. you didn't have to. even if you've done IT before, " she paused "..and you said 'no' to me, I won't proceed." 

I almost blushed from hearing those words from her. I usually was the one who gets the shaking head and the groping arms, but this time I had to do it to her. Flustered as I was, I just had to. I saw how surprised Sara was when I stopped her, and I couldn't feel any more embarrassed. 

I don't want Sara to think that I'm not that _into_ her. I want her to know how much I adore her, all the trouble involved aside, I want to be with her for as long as we can both handle it. It scares me though, that she's this successful doctor and I'm this confused little college freshman figuring things out for myself; and one day she will meet someone who she can _really_ be with. 

"are you okay?" Sara asked me, noticing that my thoughts are flying away again. 

I just shook my head and smiled at her, holding her hand on top of my cheek. I then peeked over to my bed to check if Rose was still asleep, and upon seeing her back turned on us, and not moving, I quickly hovered on Sara and landed my lips on hers. 

I wanted to make love to her again-- I just couldn't help myself and I don't know if I could even stop after I start. 

"never better.." I said, as I gently snuggle up beside her after giving her a kiss. 

\-----------------------------------------------------

**Saturday**

I never woke up on a saturday feeling this down. Last night was beyond amazing... Having sex with Sara was never the plan, but the thought of it just crossed my mind when I had the chance and wasted no time. Despite that little victory, I felt bad about how I didn't let Sara give the favor back-- I never told her I was a virgin, I guess it didn't matter for me then but I'm now considering her to give her the V-card...

I slowly sat up as I look around for Rose, but she wasn't on my bed; I then stood up and walked over to the bathroom, to check on it, but she wasn't there either. Quickly, I ran over to the door and locked it, and with a racing heart, I lied back on the duvet and took Sara in my arms, giving her kisses on her neck, behind her ears and on her cheeks to wake her up. 

Sara woke up rather surprised, feeling a little frantic as I smother her with kisses, without any hesitation as if we're the only ones in the house; it's hard to get a minute with her alone, so whatever chance I get, I grab it. 

"good morning!" I said as Sara slowly open her eyes-- she still looks ravishing even after sleeping the night in-- I just feel so lucky to even witness this myself. 

"good morirng Love.." Sara said, embracing me and pulling me closer as I continue to kiss her neck. 

"Thank God you didn't run away this time." considering that this was the first time I woke up with her beside me and it was just the two of us. 

"oh, after that mind-blowing tongue work you did last night, you're gonna have a hard time getting rid of me." Sara said. 

I can't even believe I'm hearing any of this, and I'm too embarrassed to look at Sara after that little compliment; so I closed my eyes and met her lips with mine. 

Sara kissed me back-- she always does, never did she ever showed me that she didn't want to kiss me, and it always ends up as her, wanting for more-- and I love how she just doesn't care that I haven't brushed my teeth yet. 

gross, I know... but she's loving it so, who am I to be embarrassed about this one. 

and as I get turned on by her for the millionth time, I crawled my way on top of Sara, pushing my legs in between hers. 

Why it's always this appealing to have sex in the morning, I have no idea-- I'm just glad we're alone again.

"I hope you don't mind if I have breakfast in my room" I said, pushing my fingers under the garter of her boxer shorts.

Sara shook her head slowly, "not at all.." She said, pushing her hips up against me. 

"good.. cause I'm gonna eat you up and fuck you so good till you can't cum any longer."

"that sounds like a threat.." Sara said as she pull me by my sleeves "I am So scared right now.. but I'd rather you remind me why I shouldn't walk away in the morning, baby."

I was rather surprised, and it seems like she was the one scaring me this time-- I just hope I can perform to her expectations or else... I then quickly pushed myself up and pulled her shorts, throwing it away on the floor and just going for her wet pussy 

I almost feel like drowning again, she was even wetter from last night but her juice are just as sweet

I looked up at Sara, her head was thrown back, and her hands clenching on the duvet like her life depended on it. The sight of Sara was a feast to the eye, and I wanted more; her pussy was so drenched that I don't have to wet them for her, every inch of my mouth is covered in her juice and it was good enough for me to slide in 2 of my fingers inside of her. 

"Oh my God." Sara moaned, and as I stroke my fingers in and out, her legs started to tremble, sending her to reach for a pillow and cover her face.

Wanting to see Sara's face while I fuck her, I pulled myself up, and removed the pillow.

"oh no.. don't go hiding on me now." I said, closing in on her. Sara was frowning, and her face turned red again, her skin is giving away how horny she is right this very minute. 

I bit my lip, and started to feel hot on the core as I stare Sara in the eye; it's as if she was asking me to stop and that she's hurt from my vigorous strokes, but the way she grab and lead my arms to fuck her harder is telling me otherwise. 

In the middle of it all, as focused as we are from this very special moment, I heard a knock on my door.

 _"shit.."_ we said in unison as we both look towards the door without even pausing.

"you should get that." Sara said, but we're not taking a halt.

"are you sure? do you really want me to stop?" I asked Sara, I don't really want to stop, I want her to cum and I know how painful it would be for her to not get finished after reaching this far. 

"no, but you have to open that before they barge in on us like this, duh!" Sara said, gasping for air. I then swallowed before I slowed down.. 

"oh God that feels so fucking good.. this is fucking killing me right now.." she added as I smile at her, til I pulled my wrinkled fingers out. 

Sara and I quickly pulled away from eachother, she stood and picked up her boxers, running towards my bathroom and closing it back, while I went for the hand sanitizer. 

I then went for the door after cleaning my hands and wiping my mouth dry. I thought this was my day, but I'm starting to think otherwose-- my head and my gut is still throbbing and I want to just run in on Sara inside my bathroom and finish her off.

"good morning sport. breakfast is ready. Rose prepared it.." Dad said as I greet him.

"alright.. we'll be right down." I said. 

"where's Sara?" he asked as he peek inside my room. 

"oh she's in the bathroom, getting ready.." I said, trying to block him off as much as I could so he can't see how much of a mess we made.

"oh good! you better get ready too, we're leaving for LA after breakfast." he said. 

"Okay! we'll be down in 10 mins or so.."

\-----------------------------------------------------

**sara**

After breakfast, we sent Rose home and then travelled to LA to meet Tegan's dorm keeper and her professors.

To save up on gas, I joined Tegan on her car while I left mine at their house, and then ride with Bob later today on the way back to San Francisco.

"Are you nervous?" I asked Tegan as she keep herself busy driving down the freeway. 

"Not as nervous as I was this morning when dad came knocking on us." Tegan chuckled. 

"Yeah.. that was.. that almost killed me with a heart attack." I said, resting a hand over my chest as I connect my phone to Tegan's seakers through bluetooth. 

"please play songs that'll wake me up.." Tegan said before she yawned. 

"Or we can probably talk about my little chat with Jen later.. let's see if that will wake you up." Tegan jerked, and her eyes obviously widened a bit, I can tell it worked. 

"oh wow, that did give me a kick. please don't drive her crazy, she's gonna come back at me." she said, sounding rather worried. 

"we'll see.. anything you don't want me to ask her?" I said, playing quietly a lively song in the background. 

"you're fine, as long as you don't force her to it.. she hates it when she's getting pushed around."

I'm sure. Jen sounded like the typical over achiever who wants everything to go her way, but I'm not gonna let her get in my head-- I'm sure she'll hate to have any other official of the school on her back. 

"don't worry, I won't give her much of a hard time... I promise you, at the end of all this, we will get that footage." I assured Tegan.

"Thanks Sara.." Tegan glanced at me for a bit, and then looked back on the road. "for everything.." 

"you're welcome.. anything for you." I said, looking at her as she drive. 

"don't stare at me too much, you're enough distraction just sitting inside my car.. please." Tegan said, doing that awkward grin she does when she's embarrassed. 

"fine.." I said, just resting a hand on top of Tegan's hand on the gear stick; Tegan then took my hand and held it as we both look on the road as she drove.

\-----------------------------------------------------

We reached UCLA lot in about 3 hours, and didn't really waste any time.

Tegan never mentioned anything to jen about me coming over for a small talk, so I hope I'm catching her off guard but without the panic.

"Please don't souind like you're interrogating her.. I'm begging you.." Tegan said after unlocking the doors.

"I'm not gonna eat her alive, okay? just let me do my thing and everything will go as planned." I said, before opening Tegan's car door. 

"alright.. well.. I'll pick you up when you're done okay?" Tegan said as I leave the car.

"I'll call you.. take care." I said. Tegan then nodded.

soon as I closed the door, Tegan and Bob drove off, leaving me at the doorstep of Tegan's dorm. I walked over the front door, feeling confident, and a little nervous at the same time; and before I rang the bell, I exhaled and just went for it.

_here goes nothing._

_"who is it?"_ a person at the other end of the intercom asked. 

"I'm Dr. Sara Clement, I'm looking for Jen?" 

_"oh hi Sara! it's me, come on in!"_ she said before the door unlocked.

\-----------------------------------------------------

"This is a big surprise, I thought you were with Tegan in LA?" Jen asked as she put down a tray of coffee for us two in the living room.

"well.. I'm really here to talk to you, as you can see." I said, just trying to sit comfortably on the couch. 

"alright.. what can I help you with?" Jen asked, sitting on the lazy boy right in front of me. 

"it's about Tegan."

Jen pursed her lips and crossed her legs-- looking rather confused. 

"what about?" she asked. 

"about her fitness program..." I said, reaching for my file case. Jen sighed, sounding a little bit relieved this time. 

I pulled a medical certificate and handed it over to her.

"that's a medical certificate from me as her psychologist, and then..." I pulled another set of paperworks. "this, is a comprehensive plan that was decided upon by one of your physicians that we consulted yesterday, after the therapy." 

jen started reading through the medical certificate as she drink her coffee, and seems serious enough to take it into consideration.

"when did you speak to Dr. Fischer again?" Jen asked, reading the recommendation and revised the fitness plan this time. 

"yesterday." I said as I pick the coffee mug. 

"I meant, when did you first talk to him?" Jen asked one more time, looking a little confused again this time. I can sense the tension in her voice and I have to be honest I think she feels as if her own ego was being stepped on.

"yesterday." I reiterared.

"seriously?.. you're so awesome." Jen said, still reading, but she's quite happy and impressed this time around.

"why would you say so? is there... anything about this Dr. Fischer that tips you off?" okay, now that sounds a little too "shrink-y." 

"I know it's pretty clear why he takes docors like yourself seriously and a sense of urgency, but do you have any idea how long it takes for us to get a recommendation from him, just like this one? 2 weeks. 2, fucking, weeks!" Jen laid the paperwokrs on the coffee table and shook her head at me in awe. "and you got it with in a day! that is so amazing."

"to tell you honestly, that came with a pricetag. Your resident consultant is a douche bag, if it weren't for Mr. Quin's bank account he was pretty enthusiastic to decline an urgent request." I said, picking up the coffee mug. 

"I'm sorry if I didn't re-evaluated Tegan's plan after she mentioned she was going on therapy again. She was indeed pretty stressed out these past few weeks." Jen said, resting the mug on her lap. 

Jen was fully aware all this time, though I cou;dn't blame her, I'm sure she's handling more students for her practicals, I can tell cause I know what it's like to be a college senior just like her. 

"it's okay, Tegan isn't the vocal type either, so I didn't realize she was getting on a slope til I figured how physically fatigued she was when I met with her." Jen just nodded, looking very much on board with the renewed fitness plan. 

"and besides it's also a convenience on my part to lessen the sessions cause I have a lot on my sleeves before this coming mid terms and I need some time off." Jen said.

"I'll sign this, and please don't forget to include your own recommendation before submitting it to trhe department okay?" I said, putting the mug down. 

Jen then handed the paperwork as I pull a pen out.

There's not much left to say to jen here about Tegan's fitness plan, so I think this is a good time to catch her off guard about the cctv footage. THAT's the real reason why I'm here, and I'm not wasting this chance to help Tegan find this person.

"and one more thing.." I started, while I was signing the paperwork. "about the incident in Tegan's dorm room.." I looked up, and saw Jen staring right back at me, looking all tensed and surprised.

"Tegan mentioned it to me.. but we decided not to tell Bob about it." Jen sighed in relief. "But if you don't help us find out who did it.. we might as well talk directly to someone who can.. " I said. 

"I don't want any more trouble in my dorm. Do you think if Tegan finds out who did it that it will be the end of it?" jen shook her head. "That's not how it works in this university, Sara. people here, have the power to do what they want and get away with it. I'm just protecting Tegan."

"yeah but destruction of another person's property and concealing evidence will put you in a deeper pit, Jenny. You should know what Tegan and her dad is capable of doing. Tegan can cover your ass any time.."

Jen sighed, looked around and sat beside me. "No one knows about the surveillance cameras, except for Tegan. I'm gonna go after your asses myself if any of this go out. I didn't finish 3 years in this university only to be put down by a spoiled brat and her family of manipulative privileged stiffs. So sue me."

"you knw where the door is." Jen said, standing up, and crossing her arms on me. 

"Just so we're clear, I'm not threatening you over a petty prank...This is something serious, for all we know, the next we'll see broken is Tegan skull and we don't want that to happen... you're a smart girl, and I'm sure you know whose side you need to take on this." I then pulled out a business card from my bag, and placed it on top of the paperworks I brought her.

"call me if you need help on anything.." I said before I left her in the living room. 

She'll come around. Jen is not stupid, I'm sure she knows what to do, but something is stopping her and Tegan needs to get to the bottom of that. 

#


	23. Chapter 23

**Tegan**

After the short tour of the house, we sat down with Lindsey and jeremy at the backyard, with the view of the pool. The deep dark blue surface is empty though; I don't think they really have the time to clean, fill and filter it-- and as my mind flies to a skater's dream land, thinking of many ways to make this pool useful, my phone vibrated.

I checked it and it was Sara ringing me up; and while dad is busy talking to Lindsey and Jeremy, I stood to take it.

"hey, what's up?" I said, walking back inside the house.

_"I'm done talking to Jen, but we have a slight problem."_

That was quick. "why, what happened? did she take it badly?" I asked as I close the glass door behind me

_"sort of.. she thinks we're threatening her to show the footage, and she's really concerned that this would go out of hand."_

"did you tell her that dad doesn't know about any of this? I mean she's gonna be screwed if he finds out."

_"yeah, I told her that. but she's still being all tough on me. anyway, just don't mention anything to her about me trying to convince her to show you the videos. It might aggravate her even more."_

"Alright I won't.. so should I pick you up now?" I asked as I tap my pockets for the car keys.

_"Actually I took a cab and I'm pulling right at the driveway"_

"oh, okay how did you get the address?" I asked as I open the front door.

 _"I texted Linds. Hey, I see you."_ she said as I wave a hand to the first cab I saw right across the street.

I dropped the call and waited as Sara got off the cab, keeping the front door open for her. 

"Thank God you're here, it's starting to become a little boring with Dad around. Linds and Jer are not their usual selves and it's killing me." I said as Sara enter the house.

As I close the door back, Sara paused and looked around the house, looking all surprised and quite satisfied with what she's seeing.

"cozy isn't it?" I asked as I watch her get her awe on. 

"yeah, it's really relaxing in here and spacious" indeed the white walls and the grey interiors gives a serene feel to the house. "They really do need to crowd this place up." Sara said as we both walk over to glass door leading to the back yard. 

"and they have a pool! look at that!" Sara almost exclaimed-- she seem excited by this more than I am-- the more that it makes me anxious to move in so I can spend time in here with her in private; a dorm room is just really no place for this kind of _romance_.

"Sara!" Lindsey greeted as we get out to the back yard. Lindsey stood in excitement upon seeing her, and walked towards us with her arms raised, ready to give her an embrace.

"yeah, too bad they're not using it." I mumbled so as to not offend Linds or Jeremy as we approach them. 

"oh God, I missed you." lindsey said as they hug the fuck out of eachother like long lost bestfriends. 

"Oh, so you two have met before?" Bob asked; we almost forgot he was around and as soon as he spoke, Sara and Lindsey jerked, getting reminded again that my not-so-gay-friendly dad is around. 

"yeah I met her when she visited Tegan once." Lindsey said, sitting down casually after that hug with Sara, as if not bothered by this. 

This is actually the first time they'll be seeing Sara after my little slip up during dinner with these two. Though I'm glad that Lindsey's more than ecnthusiastic to see Sara, Jeremy seem a little awkward, I'm thinking he's being cautious since Dad is around.

"I see.. you guys never told me that." Bob said, smiling sheepishly as he dart me a look while Sara and I take a seat across him.

"so cousins can't catch up after 13 years of not seeing each other anymore?" I answered dad, with a little bit of worry, hoping he doesn't mind her only daughter hanging out with her lesbian cousin/therapist.

"of course you can, silly." Dad said, as I start sweating bullets and my heart race. 

_whew_

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"so I'll see you by the end of the month, right before you move out, okay?" Dad said as we leave my dorm after he talked to Jen; she doesn't seem pleased that I'm moving out and it looks like Sara did all this on purpose to threaten her-- though we never really mentioned anything about the videos, the look on Jen's face when she saw me walk in with Sara with Dad was priceless.

If that didn't "threaten" her enough, I don't know what else will. 

"yes, dad. When are you coming home from Bulgaria?" I ask as Sara and I stayed behind him as we walk with him to the car; trying to sneak up on holding Sara's hand as a way to say goodbye before they leave.

"in a week I hope. when things ease up a bit on the business in Sofia, then I'll be back right away." he said as the driver open the door for them. 

"take care okay?" I said, as he reach out for a hug. 

_Here we go again._

"I miss you already. this sucks." Dad said as we hug it out, squeezing me tight while I try hard not to look at Sara in embarrassment. 

"yeah this sucks." I said. I don't really want to suggest that he lives here temporarily while he's trying to get over the fact that I'm getting older. 

"I'll call you when I get home, okay." he said, pulling away now. 

"alright. take care." I answered back before he hopped in. 

"so.. I guess I'll see you next week?" Sara said 

"yeah.." I was trying not to smile hard, as I was closing in on Sara to give her a cheek just like I would Rose and Courtney. I hope Dad doesn't find this "closeness" unusual. 

Sara's eyes widened, realizing what I was doing; but I just went for it, kissing her on the cheek as a silent shriek came out of her. 

"the fuck..?" she asked quietly. 

I just raised a brow and smiled at her as I hug her this time. 

"Thanks a lot Sar.." 

"don't mention it." she said bluntly, obviously trying to hide a grin; 

"text me.." I said, as she get in the car with dad. 

"don't worry, we will." Dad said. That was meant for Sara, but yeah, it's good he answered, at I was successful in not sounding a little too obvious. 

They closed the door and as the light reflect from inside the car, I can see Sara smiling at me as the driver slowly ran the car. I'm gonna miss her again, I don't know what else I'll be up to this week but before I see her again, I'm gonna have to make sure that I keep myself busy.

As the car sped up, I immediately got back inside the dorm to change so I can go to dinner with Jer and Lindsey; but as I took my first step up the staircase, I saw Jen on her way down. 

"hey.." I greeted her, but I swear to god it was the most awkward " _hey_ " I ever gave. 

"hey Hitler." she greeted back. 

"Hitler? Where did that come from?" I asked as we both paused in the middle of the stairway. 

"nothing.. I just love calling people other names." She said, resting her hands on her hips, like she usually does. 

"so uhm.. I'm going out for a dinner tonight with Jer and Linds, you wanna come?" I asked her, trying to lighten up the mood; or maybe make it up to her after we gave her the frieght of her life. 

"oh didn't I tell you yet?" she said, sounding a little enthusiastic 

"tell me what?" I asked, crossing my arms, trying to think of what this ws about. 

"I can't go out tonight cause your new room mate is moving in." she said, all smiles. 

"oh.. okay.." I said. just staring abck at her, trying to register the information on my head. 

"have fun at dinner." Jen said, before she continued down the stairs. 

I was left there, a little stunned and dumb founded-- I'm finally sharing a room with a stranger for the first time since the start of term-- I know this shouldn't come as a surprise, but it feels like the first day of college all over again. 

With a sick stomach, I ran up to my room as quickly as I can so I can leave right away to avoid this person. 

#


	24. Chapter 24

**Sunday**

Tegan

The best time to relax in this friggin dorm is during Sundays; normally, students are all out and about, or probably sleeping in late from a night of partying-- some stay inside their dorm rooms, lazing around, or having a picninc by the beach. 

But today was a different Sunday.

Last night as I tried my best to avoid a formal "introduction", I stayed up late out with Lindsey and Jeremy, and once they drove me home, I realized-- I'd be sleeping in a room with a stranger. It's nothing new in the art _dorm-rooming_ , but it's not a field day for me either. So I skipped the awkward _hi, hello, im your room mate, im sleeping on a bed 3 feet away, goodnight_ , and just went for the living room couch.

And it was, by far, the worst decision I ever made in this dorm.

"Quin what the fuck are you doing sleeping in the living room?!" Jen said loudly, obviously purposefully waking me up as other students pile up in the living room; while I try not to cuss at myself for being such a pain in my own ass. 

I pulled myself up, looking around as I try to cover my face with my hair.

"I'm sorry, I passed out last night." I said, sitting up properly on the couch as Jessie, one of our dorm mates sat beside me.

"tough night?" Jessie asked, crossing her legs as she turn the TV on with the remote. 

"yeah.." I said, unknown to her that our dorm master is causing all this stress on me again. I'm pretty sure that girl was supposed to be assigned to a different room and she just placed her there so she can take a bit of a revenge. Or maybe so I would stay since I now have company. 

"Come on Quin, let's introduce you to your room mate." Jen said, pulling my hand from my lap.

"is that even necessary?" I groaned, as she literally dragged me to stand up.

"Yes it is.. Get up" she said as her grip get stronger on me. 

\--------------------------------------------------------

"I know how you can be a little anti social.."Jen said as we reach my dorm room. "But according to Sara, you need help getting your mind off a few things. I'm sorry if this is something new to you, but.. I'm just doing what I'm advised, so I took the opportunity." 

Well, there it is, I knew this person is supposed to be sleeping somewhere else but here they are, on my room all alone with my stuff. Hope they're not the type who goes all thrift shopper on me.

"fine.." I sighed, feeling a little helples here. 

Jen knocked on the door and called their name; "Hayley?"

I'm still not sure if my new room mate is a girl, I mean I know this place is so Gender Neutral, anything can happen. As soon as Jen knocked the 2nd time, I heard a storm of footsteps approaching from behind the door.

"Hey!" The door quickly opened, as this red haired girl, panting, greeted us from inside my room. 

"I'm sorry I was in the bathroom, doing my homework." she said, opening up the door. 

"that's alright.." Jen said as we get in.

Surprisingly, the rooms neater from when I left it last night, and it looks like hayley did a little bit of cleaning herself; but who does their homework inside the bathroom?!

I was so tired that I didn't even introduce myself, and just ran over to my side of the room and threw myself on the bed. 

"this must be Tegan?" Hayley asked as I push myself to sit up and rest my back on the wall against my bed side. 

"yup. that's me.." I said giving her my fake gummy grin.

"Tegan's a media student.. pretty close to Miss Byrnes." Jen said, elbowing Hayley as if teasing her. 

Hayley turned from really pale to red in a second, and as Jen moved back to her place on the door sil, she gave her a wink. 

"what's up with that?" I asked, as I try not to laugh at the idea of this girl having the hots for Lindsey. 

"I have to go.. you two have fun." Jen said, before she left our room and closed the door back.

"don't mind her... anyway I.. kind of "cleaned" the room, I can be a little bit of a neat freak." Hayley said as she sit on top of her bed. All my stuff was where I left them last night, but they were placed neatly so I won't complain. 

"Yeah I noticed.. thanks.."I said. trying not to look uninterested. 

"oh you're welcome, I'm sorry if I touched your stuff..I promise I'm not a kleptomaniac." She said, shyly this time, so I tried changing the topic.

"so what are you taking?" I asked, moving forward to the edge of my bed as I put out my phone. 

"I'm taking a bachelor of Arts in Music" Oh great. She's under school of Architecture and Arts-- under the same department as Amy's; they've probably met, or even sat together in a minor subject; whatever. "I'm concentrating on performance."

"oh yeah.. I see." I don't know why I didn't notice it when I got in, but there's a bunch of instrument cases by her closet. "What do you play?"

"string, obviously.." she said, glancing towards her instruments. "but I focus on Cello." This is good, I think. At least we have something in common.

"Nice.. we should have a session some time." I said, out of the blue; _what are we_

She looked rather surprised with my offer; her smile just suddenly faded, and started to look a little too nervous for a simple offer like that. 

"wait I'm sorry, was I too... _fast_?" I ask, trying to relax myself; I know I can look a little intimidating sometimes, so I'm trying to really break her wall and not scare her off. 

"wait, what?" Hayley asked, now looking fucking confused.

"nevermind. uhm. I mean we could _jam_ ; I play the guitar."

and with that she lightened up; "Ooooh! right." 

This girl better not be thinking I'm inviting her to do drugs with me. She looked kind of innocent but something is hinting me she's this psychedelic little freak; I mean the hair alone gives her away.

"actuallythere's this "underground" music group I joined a few days ago, you should come to our next open mic." Hayley said as she get off her bed. 

"when is it?" I asked; Hayley then pulled an orange flyer from her pile of paper. 

"it's this thursday.. if you want to play I can give away a song on my slot." Hayley said as she sit beside me on my bed while I read through the flyer. 

"naahh, I haven't really played in a long time to be 'confident' enough to play in front of an audience." I said as I feel a slight trembling on my own hand. 

"come on, you can practice you have three days." she said, looking up at me like a little puppy with those big round eyes of hers. 

She was just staring back at me, as if chanting a curse in her head that would make me say yes-- and those eyes of hers-- as if piercing right through my whole being, and injecting guilt in me like I was a criminal for suddenly deciding not to play with her when I just invited her to jam. Damn it. 

"FINE!" I said; I'm sure I jerked in surprise as soon as I said that-- as if my mouth just betrayed my brain. 

"Yes!" Hayley almost leapt "yey,oh my God. you are so much nicer than they all told me you were!"

Okay, what was that about?

"what..? I am a nice person, who would tell you I'm not?" I sked as I stand up to go to the bathroom.

as I turned towards the bathroom door, Hayley quickly stood too and ran towards the bathroom door, blocking my way in.

"uhm, I'm sorry, I really have to go.." I said, trying to tell her off the nicest way I can. 

"remember when I said I was doing my homework, I kind of.. turned the bathroom into a dark room." Hayley said shyly; I tried to underwstand what she meant by that, but I'm starting to understand that she was probably developing some negatives. 

"oh.. photography class?" I asked. 

Hayley shook her head. "then what is it for?" I asked as I try to get a better understanding why she can't do this some other place, not like UCLA actually doesnt have a designated dark room.

"it's a side project I'm doing with Ms. Byrnes." she answered, looking away. 

So she does know Lindsey; something tells me she's been running after her for a while nwo-- and to not be in a class with Lindsey, but be in a photo project with her, there really is something.

"Oh, cool.." Hayley eased up. 

"I'm sorry.." Hayley said, sounding a little embarrassed

"Don't worry about it, I'll go take the common bathroom.." I agve her a smile then, before I turned to leave the room; this better be the last day I'm getting inconvenienced by this girl.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"How's Hayley doing so far?" Jen asked, as she come up to me right after I used the common bathroom downstairs

"Have you been standing there all this time?" I asked as I close the bathroom door. 

"yeah, apparently. answer my question, how was she?" she asked again, as we walk together out to the living room. 

"she's great, so far, the most enthusiastic person I know.. but Jen.. look.." I paused, and came up as close to her as possible so no one can hear us. "I'm moving out in a month, you can't put me in a situation where this girl has to be all attached to me, cause from what I'm seeing, I'm doing her a favor more than she does in helping me get my mind off stress." 

"that's really harsh.." Jen commented; that was the first time I heard or saw her concerned towards someone. "Hayley's a really cheerful girl, she's not some awkward little loser you think she is, and more. you gotta give her a chance, and stop being too judgemental." 

now come to think of it, I may have been a little too critical in reading her. "I'm sorry, I'm just.. not really used to being forced into living with a stranger like that."

"well, I apologize if it seemed like an ambush to you, I was busy myself, and I forgot a few things about the dorm.. it's just.. God you have no idea how stressful it is to be a president of th student council.."Jen sighed, sincerely looking like she's in some deep shit.

"while I accept your apology, I would never in a million years want to know what it feels like to be an SC president; but I understand where you're coming from." pressure is still pressure, and I know what it's like for people to expect you to deliver more than what you are capable of-- Dad for one is the one person I hate to disappoint, and having to work for your dad's acceptance of your own gender and preference is something that shouldn't be earned-- I shouldn't be proving myself to my dad that depsite I'm a lesbian that I can be someone he's proud of. 

"good choice; if you change your mind, don't say I didn't warn you." jen said as we continue upstairs. 

"look, I'm thinking of going out today to buy a guitar and maybe get a hiarcut.. you should come with me."

As I cringe to the offer, Jen paused and stopped mid-way the staircase; "this aint a date, is it?" She asked, looking up at me like I'm some sort of a criminal.

"of course not." I'm surprised how that didn't sounded like I was disgusted by the thought of us dating

"okay, so we're going out like.. pals..? why?" Jen asked; now this time, she's the one who sounded a little disgusted.

"well, you're stressed, I'm waaaaay stressed out to the point where I'm almost prescribed an anti psychotic, so I think it's just fair that we help eachother out." I asnwered, keeping in mind what Sara said to me during therapy. 

I was crossing my fingers as I think of this as a lesser awkward situation than having to stay in my room the whole day with Hayley; "fair enough.." Though i was really hoping she'd say yes, I was surprised it didn't take mch of my convincing skills to get her an answer I wanted. "we leave at 10" Jen said, before rushing to the 2nd floor, leaving me.

_This is not a date.. NOT a date._


	25. Chapter 25

"you look stunning!" Jen greeted, looking rather surprised yet impressed as I walk out of the salon after I got my hair cut professionally for the first time in 2 years; she walked over to, mmediately reaching her hands out to touch the freshly cut ends of my locks.

"you like it? think it's not much of an overkill?" I asked, sincerely feeling a little worried as I carefully start my transition to a rather openly "gay life" in college. 

Jen looked rather amazed that it turned out to suit me-- surprisingly she was digging it too much that she can't stop touching my hair. 

"well.. the thought of a mullet wasn't really as... 'appealing' to me as it is now that I see it on you, so no.. they did a really good job, I must say. did you tip them?" She asked as she carefully clutch her shopping bags with her other hand as we hop on the escalator. 

_'Appealing'?_ She called it appealing, for a lack of a better term; I had to blink a few times, as it feels weird that she's saying these things right now. 

"of course I did. They had to blowdry and iron the shit out of it just to behave the curls." I said, trying to drift a little farther away from jen who's getting too close for comfort. 

"I have a straightening iron back at the dorm that I don't use anymore, you can borrow it if you want." she offered as she pull her hand back, doing that awkward segue she does so badly.

I'm glad she's somehow opening up like this but I'm just still feeling a little uneasy around her. I apparently have a little bit of a crush on her, and that's what worries me the most... I don't really want to "cheat" on Sara-- if I can call it that.

"sure, I think I'm gonna need that from now on." I said, as I look around and observe a crowd of people piling up at the end of the other escalator as we descend to the basement of the mall; pausing from the conversation, trying not to embarass myself further with my blushing.

While I was just innocently looking at strangers around, I suddenly notice heavy eyes were upon me from my peripherals; and as I laid eyes on the group of girls coming up our opposite way on the other side of the escalator, I saw Amy-- staring back at us with a blank expression. 

It's the first time I'm seeing her after she left the dorm-- and I wasn't really prepared to see her-- not in this place, and not after I just had this ridiculous haircut, especially when she used to do my hair for me. I honestly missed her, and as a reflex, seeing her has always excited me, and what I wanted to do was to jump off to the other side and give her a hug and tell her all about how my day went-- but No-- It doesn't really work that way anymore and I just want to punch a wall. I miss my bestfirend so fucking much, too bad she just wanted to get under my pants after all these years. 

"Amy.." I called out. 

She didn't respond-- she just stared back at me without any obvious emotion, as if I was a wall. Feeling embarrassed, I wanted to look away and just ignore the humiliation as if nothing happened, but part of me wanted to wait and see if she was happy to see me again-- that she missed me and that she's sorry for not being a "true" friend" who only became so kind and close to me in the hopes of dating me in the future. 

We got closer, and as our steps crossed, Amy followed a piercing look at me, and rolled her eyes as she ascended past me.

"hey.." jen nudged me by the elbows, as I look back down to my feet to watch my step on the escalator. I feel a sudden surge of blood up on my head-- the feeling of longing for my bestfriend was replaced by anger and regret for even thinking that she misses me too and that she sincerely treasured me as a friend. 

"are you okay?" Jen asked as she extend her arm out behind me and rubbed my back-- effectively comforting me for a little bit there.

"do I look okay to you?" I said as we got off the escalator. 

"I'm sorry...let's just get out of here." Jen said, her hands still caressing my back. I just sighed, and gave her a heavy nod as we walk towards the parking area.

\--------

"It could not have been a more perfect timing-- she used to cut my hair for me-- we're THAT close!" The rant didn't end til we got home and sat down with Hayley inside Jen's room; I think it's just right that Hayley knows about Amy cause sooner or later she might come across her here or at their college.

I strolled back and forth, wanting to find any sense in all this once again-- I still can't believe we're no longer friends. 

"Quin can you calm the fuck down?" Jen said, crossing her arms as she turn to me on her office chair. 

"I can't. She used to be my bestfriend, and I still regard her as one, but I seriously want to slap her right now, but I can't give myself any good reason to, because she's turned herself away from me.. and I just....."

"hey." Jen called, cutting me off. "Don't dwell too much on this okay? keep calm, you have Sara to talk about it anyways. for the mean time, take a rest, focus on your studies and... other things

_Sara.._

I wanted to smile at that point, to think that after all, I have Sara by my side-- though not physically, I know she's just there for me no matter what.

"you're right.. you're right.." I said, as I sit down at the edge of her bed.

"..and besides.." Hayley added, sounding so shy and reserved. "you have the music club, we can help you get distracted, perhaps?"

"exactly! Sara may have reduced your work out hours, but you can now do something you actually love, and you know.. be a little productive apart from keeping yourself in a great shape." Jen said, smiling enthusiastically at us. 

But as silence fell in the room, Jen's smile faded. 

"..and uhm.. by the way, Hayley I need to.. talk to Tegan alone, if you don't mind.." she said, obviously watching her words. 

"oh sure, that's fine.. I'll be in the room." Hayley said as she got up.

As soon as Hayley closed the door, Jen stood and quickly locked it.

I was honestly starting to feel weird, seeing Jen acting so nervous.

"come on, I wanna show you something." Jen said, cokcing her head towards her way on to her desk. 

"what's up.?" I asked as I sit on top of her arm rest, while Jen stared blankly on her computer.

"I.." Jen sighed. "first of all, I... I want to apologize." she said-- still not looking away.

Of all the many things that she has done to offend me, I don't know which one shes apologizing for.

"For what..?" I asked. 

She didn't speak, instead she moved her cursor and opened a folder from her desktop. 

I suddenly felt my stomach take a turn as soon as I realize that she just pulled up the footage from the surveillance cameras he installed on the dorm.

"Jen.." I said, trying to grab the mouse off her hand-- which I quickly regret after my hand landed on top of hers. 

I flinched, and quickly pulled my hand away, but as I try to turn away from the monitor, the video started playing. I don't think I'm ready to see who trashed my room after a rollercoaster of emotions I suffered just this past hour.

"look here." She asked, turning to me as I pull myself up to stand, as she pause the video. 

"what's going on?" I asked, as I slowly walk up to her. I have a really bad feeling about all this, and I can't tell if I'm ready to confirm my suspicions. 

Jen moved away from her desk to let me get a better view of the video, and as she zoom in to the still image of the footage, it depixelated, and then it hit mw. 

"it was her after all." Jen said, as we see Amy, entering our room that night we went out. 

My heart dropped. 

It was different, how I felt from when I was accusing her-- it made me feel a little guilty that I I'm blaming her for something she didn't do-- to actually knowing that she was the one who did it. It felt wrong the first time, but I am now feeling so much regret for not barging in that sorority house to hit her in the face for being such a douche bag.

Part of me wanted it to be someone else, and that's the side of this battle that's winning-- I took over the mouse, and replayed the video to the time we left for gym-- no one else entered my room but her. no one else exited my room but her. I pulled out the footage from the window on the hallway to see if anyone tried breaking in through my windows-- there was none. 

She was the only one who came in. She was alone. She didn't even have any weapon on her like a bat or a hammer. It was just her, and her bare hands.

 _Fuck you. just fuck you._ I thought as I start thinking of ways to get back at her. 

"I'm sorry Tegan.." Jen said, carefully closing in on me, reaching her hand out to touch my arm. 

It was somehow comforting, to hear someone apologize for another's actions, but it wasn't winning me over; I still want to punch Amy in the face for doing this. 

I just breathed in, trying to stop myself from crying again, but I can't help feeling worse the more that I think of how she was almost a sister to me.

"I only saw that earlier today.. and I think it's just right that you should know, you were right all this time." Jen added, as she take the mouse from me while I stood there frozen, staring at the still image. 

I figured that the reason Jen wasn't too eager to speak about how good Amy was to her when I was too busy singing praises to her, was because she knew she wasn't really the good person she was in the first place. Just how can a real friend to do this? I know I'm a spoiled brat sometimes and I get away with anything, but what she did was beyond immature, not to mention really damaging-- Literally.

"Thank you Jen. goodnight." were all I could say. 

I turned around, and calmly left the room as I wipe my face dry, thinking of my next step after this revelation. I couldn't think of anything better to do nut to tell Sara and ask her what I should do next, cause much as I want to talk to Amy about it in a rather _mature_ manner, I'm sure she'll end up acting like a real jerk, just like she wopuld on any petty fight we get in to together. 

While she's good with words, I let my fist do the talking-- and much as I want to hurt her, the last thing I want is to get expelled, and I know better than to get myself in trouble again. At least not inside the university. 


	26. Chapter 26

**SARA**

 

For years I've prepared myself for motherhood; I made sure that when the time comes, that I would be mentally and physically ready for the big change.

 

For years I struggled, and more than once, I failed to conceive. After all the unsuccessful attempts, I had to give up. If it isn't for me then it won't happen, but just when I have come to accept the fact that having a child of my own is nearly impossible and just when I stood strong after everything fell apart for me and Emy, life all of a sudden decided to fuck things up even more.

 

I don't hate Emy for getting pregnant, I hate her for trying to fix our relationship by having this baby. She has dragged an innocent life into this mess, when I'm pretty sure we both would be better off without eachother-- now there's no reason for us to stay away from eachother's lives.

 

"Where are you? Today is my first ultrasound.. I need you there. Please call back" The sound of the beep from my speaker echoed in the bathroom as I brushed my teeth, preparing for this "big" day.

 

I spat out a thick lather, trying to stop my gagging reflex from turning my throat inside out. I think the toothpaste doesnt have anything to do with this fucking nausea; Im sure this is my nerves telling me that I am not ready to see this baby.

 

I shook my head, throwing away thoughts of getting back with Emy as I recall how much of an ass hole she actually is, keeping my pace as I hurry to my bedroom to get dressed.

 

\------------ -----

 

"You're late" Emy said, greeting me as I enter the doctor's office.

 

"Missed my alarm" I said, giving her a cheek as I sit beside her in the waiting area.

 

"Too much work?" She asked, as she quickly took my hand and caressed it. I couldn't answer her; that small gesture stunned me.. It was surprisingly familiar, despite having not felt that for the longest time.

 

Emy never touched me so carefully for so many years and I want to punch myself for feeling the slightest affection for her right this very minute.

 

"Uhm.." I had to pull my hand away and quickly dug my hands inside my purse, pretending to look for something.

 

"Yeah.. Was on call out of the city til late last night." I was obviously lying. But Emy just nodded. That blank expression is telling me that she knows i wasnt telling the truth, but she took it nonetheless.

 

Emy quickly snapped out of it and smiled; "I see..looks like you're working too hard, don't forget to rest every once in a while." She said.

 

I just sat there, staring at her, thinking who the hell this person is; this is not Emy. Could her pregnancy have affected her that much, that she actually did a 180?

 

"we're ready!" The doctor's assistant called on us.

 

I jerked, and my stomach took another turn. I started to sweat and feel like throwing up because of my nerves; I don't know if I could do it.

 

"Let's do this!" Emy said enthusiastically. She was obviously nervous as well; I can hear her voice shake and her eyes tear up a little bit as we stood to walk towards the ultrasound room.

 

"Good Morning Emily!" The ob gyn greeted Emy.

 

"Good Morning Dr. Campbell." Emy greeted back as she sit down on the ultrasound table, handing me her bag.

 

"And this must be..." The doctor faced me, giving me that awkward teasing smile. She must know what's up.

 

"Dr. Sara Clement.. My.. My wife" Emy said, cutting off the uncomfortable 'guessing' game.

 

"Oh I've been dying to meet you! I'm glad you finally had the time to join us." she greeted as she shook my hand.

 

I shifted to Emy, as she bow her head down, as if expecting a really bad come back from me; but I know better than to embarrass her, so as to say that I didn't know about the pregnancy until a few weeks ago.

 

"Me too! Ive been out of the city, for medical emergencies—you know how it is, doctors aren’t exactly the type to get a lot of free time.." I answered as we all sit down.

 

"oh tell me about it. Emily here for one, blows up my phone almost every night! And my husband is getting really freaked out about it." We all shared a good laugh out of that, knowing that Emy is the type who would get worried over little things—and she calls me the paranoid one.

 

"give me a break, this is my first successful pregnancy so cut me some slack." Emy said, as she lift her shirt up, lying back on the ultrasound table.

 

"very well... shall we begin then?"

 

Emy nodded, smiling happily as she rest her back on the table. I took a deep breath, as Dr. Campbell gels the probe, while the Doctor's assistance cleans Emy's stomach.

 

This is it---  I'm having mixed emotions about this; and I honestly don’t know what I'd feel when I see the baby, if I'm going to be happy about this, or be mad that there's an innocent life dragged into this mess—I want a child, more than anything—but being in a middle of a divorce, isn't exactly the best time for it.

 

I gave Emy a worried and nervous look; as if begging her to get up and drag me out of this clinic, but she gave me back a look of assurance—that look that I once forgot, that I thought I'd never see again.

 

She smiled, and reached her hand out to hold mine. I want to pull away—my body has learned to repel her everytime she comes near, in fear of getting hurt, and being deceived by her again. However, I can never deny that her touch made me feel secure at one point, and now is one of those times that I'd feel better with her near me like this than not at all.

 

But I couldn't take Tegan off my mind this whole time—the worry that comes with every second I stay with Emy, makes me feel like I'm betraying Tegan.

 

I haven't told her about the baby—not that I don’t have plans of telling, but I just don't know how. All this time she knew Emy and I are getting divorced, and that we wouldn't have anything to do with each other anymore after, and now that Emy is pregnant, I am sure her pregnancy will, at some point, affect my judgment—but I hope not.

 

\-----------

 

"So I'll see you in 4 weeks?" Dr. Campbell said as we stood to leave her clinic.

 

"yes, we will both be there for the _reveal"_ Emy said, all smiles.

 

We left the clinic together, and as we walk towards the parking lot to go to our cars, Emy sparked a conversation.

 

"are you nervous?" she asked

 

"yeah.. am I too obvious?" I said, trying to put my phone out to text Tegan.

 

"yeah, you're bad at hiding it, you know?" Emy paused as we reached her car.

 

"I guess I'll see you in a month?" I said as she pull her keys out.

 

"Actually.." Emy faced me as she stopped unlocking her car doors. "I've been meaning to talk to you about the divorce."

 

_I knew it._

 

"What about?" I asked, pinching myself, wishing for the impossible.

 

"Let's not push through with it. I want to be with you.. for the rest of my life." Emy said, reaching out for my hand, while I struggle to keep my other hand away from her as I grab on tightly to my cellphone.

 

"I want us to start over, and I promise everything will be better this time... Our family is about to be complete, and.. and I..."

 

"emy.." I interrupted her. "did you use my egg for this baby?"

 

I've been meaning to ask her that since the day she told me she was pregnant.

 

"what?" Emy asked, surprised and obviously not anticipating that.

 

"did, you, use---"

 

"No, I get what you're asking, I'm not deaf--  but WHY are you asking me that?" she said, sounding defensive-- as if her old, ass hole of a self came back all of a sudden.

 

I smiled.

 

"did you use my egg or not, Emily?" I said as I pull my hand away.

 

Emy paused again, and couldn't look at me in the eye.

 

"yes I did. what else do you want me to say?" she said.

 

Something's definitely not right. Emy's confident with her answer and her voice was firm, but her body language is telling me something else.

 

"okay." I said.

 

I backed up, and walked away, as I start to compose a text message to her instead.

 

_"I'm not calling off the divorce."_

 

My hands trembled in anger as I sent the message; part of me wanted that baby to be mine biologically, but something I can't put my hands on also makes me feels betrayed. I want the child, more than anything, but I am praying hard that Emy didn't just use the pregnancy as an excuse to get back with me; or at me.

 

\-----------

 

**Tegan**

 

"here you go." Jen said, handing me out a copy of Amy's schedule for the day.

 

I took the paper from her, and folded it as we leave the school gym.

 

"don't kill her" Jen joked as I keep the paper on my jacket pocket.

 

"I'll try." I said, trying to sound serious, as I start to come up with a good way to own Amy.

 

"and no matter what happens, don't tell anyone you got that from me." Jen said, looking around as we walk to my car.

 

"don't worry, I won't get you in trouble." I said as I open the car door for her.

 

I can't describe how excited I am to at least give Amy a slap in the face, and I can only wish to bump into her right now, but considering my probation, I have to be very careful in doing anything to harm my record.

 

I drove Jen to the dorm, and from there, I rushed to look around the campus for Amy; but as I was driving around the grounds, Lindsey called.

 

"yes prof?"

 

_"ugh, for Christ's sake, I said stop calling me that."_

 

"what's up?"

 

_"remember that project I was talking about?"_

 

"yeah?"

 

_"I have the details now, meet me at my office."_

 

"now? I have to take care of something."

 

_"It's now or never, Quin. remember, this will be good for your record. Or should I get another student for this?"_

 

"okay fine! I'll be there in a minute."

 

I guess it's Amy's lucky day.

 

\-----------

 

Or not.

 

I parked my car outside the media building and as I was walking along the corridors to Lindsey's office, and I saw Amy, just a few feet away from the door, talking to her block mates.

 

I tried to walk another path, but the rage in me wanted to just walk up to her and punch her.

 

I took a deep breath, and tried to loosen my hands from a fist as I walk slowly towards her and her friends.

 

As I near her spot, Amy turned and saw me on my way; her smile faded, and said something to one of her companions.

 

"well, if it isn't the famous room wrecker." I said, greeting her as her friends leave.

 

"that's the best you can come up with?" Amy said in rebuttal.

 

She knew how much I hate it when people mock my self made terms, so it's fitting that she would say that-- and that was a really bad idea.

 

I couldn't resist my nerves, and I just grabbed both her arms and pushed her against the wall.

 

"Tegan, you're hurting me!" she said, trying to push me away.

 

"I don't even care if you're hurt, in fact, this is EXACTLY what I want you to feel right now." I said, closing in on her as I pin her down.

 

"the next time you pull off another one of your _tricks_ , you better say goodbye to your pretty face cause I'm gonna smash that head of yours on a pavement, do you understand?" I pushed myself against her even harder one last time, and pulled away as quickly as I can.

 

"see you around" I said as I move away, Amy holding on to her sore arms, against the mark of my hands on her.

 

she's lucky that's all she got from me-- however I felt a little bit of regret back there; she almost shivered in fear, and I've never seen that much fear on her eyes.

 

"You two!" a voice called out, followed by footsteps, approaching us. "at my office. NOW."

 

\-----------

 

 

"..just what part of you being on probation is so darn unclear to you, Tegan?" Lindsey said, standing right in front of us, her arms crossed, and leaning against her bookshelf behind her desk.

 

"..the part where it's not fair that she's not getting anything against her "bad behavior" I said, crossing my arms as well.

 

"well the opportunity presented itself and I'm sure she just couldn't help but grab it." Amy said, sounding confident that this is all going her way.

 

"excuse me?" Lindsey asked. "I hate to break it to you Missy, but your act is not working."

 

wow.

 

"you're not the only victim here, Amy." I added.

 

"wow, okay, so now you two are ganging up on me now? how mature,  _professor."_ amy said.

 

Lindsey smiled, and slowly walked towards Amy's seat.

 

Lindsey sat on Amy's arm rest, crossed her arms once again and looked at me.

 

"Tegan, remember that day when we left my office and saw your bike chained to a truck? remember how it all got wrecked and dragged around the campus like a piece of trash?" she asked.

 

"yeah." I still haven't figured out who did it but it was most likely Hunter. unless...

 

"Amy?" she asked, facing Amy. "care to explain to Tegan what you were doing driving Hunter's truck around with

Tegan's bike chained at the back of it?"

 

 _holy shit_.

 

"That was you too?!" I asked, almost standing on my feet to attack her.

 

Amy didn't speak. she just stared down on the floor, looking all proud, but obviously surprised that Lindsey knew about that.

 

"Apparently." Lindsey said, standing up.

 

"you have this, knack for destroying other people's property, I noticed." Lindsey added as she walk back to her desk.

 

"It would with great pleasure to report these instances to your adviser and the Prefect" Lindsey got on her computer and started typing something, as Amy nervously  moved around her seat.

 

"and your dean wouldn't appreciate this behavior I'm sure. So what you think should we do?" Lindsey asked, still typing.

 

"you know what, do whatever you want. I'm leaving at the end of the month anyways,  so... I don't really give a shit now."

 

_Leaving?_

 

Leaving what? the school? the course? is she leaving the city of the country altogether?

 

Not that I am surprised, anything at this point can't surprise me anymore. I know I've lost my bestfriend after that day on the beach, But why do I feel like I'm losing her all over again?


End file.
